Friday, March 30, 2012

Things you should not do:

Eat a cupcake over your keyboard. Cupcake doesn't mean "tiny cake". It means "a billion crumbs waiting to explode." Don't believe me, try this: Clean your kitchen floor to a sparkling hue. Clean your kitchen table as if your life depended on it. Seat a child at the table. Give that child a cupcake. This would have been a good lesson before eating a cupcake over my keyboard.

Get on a conference call with about 30 other people, forget to mute your phone and talk about how your wife is a pain in the ass. Oh no, its not because I don't believe you. I am a wife. I guarantee we can all be a pain in the ass at times.  But phones don't work like a Darth Vader voice synthesizer. Someone on the phone surely knows who are you are and well, it just seems like a rookie mistake. Oh, I am not throwing stones. You know why? I did this once on a con call I was leading, failed to press mute when a colleague asked me if so and so was on the call, and referred to this jackass we worked with by his nickname which sounded very similar to his last name, both of them very similar to a slang word for a naughty act.

Don't talk on your phone in the bathroom stall when you have to hold it between your ear and your shoulder so you can pull your pantalones back on. Or, if you insist on chatting away while going to the bathroom, better hold that baby in a Lou Ferrigno style vice grip between your shoulder and ear. Otherwise, you will be faced with a fork in the road, neither tine you want to take: Either leave your phone in the bottom of the toilet full of recycled water OR fish the phone out of the toilet full of recycled water. Sorry lady in the black coat in the airport bathroom I did not tell you this before yesterday.

Don't say "OH MY" very loudly when running on the treadmill at the gym and you discover the man next to you is dropping bombs and I don't mean the hydrogen kind. Oh, maybe you come from a family like mine with a few people who think things that come out of orifices are HILARIOUS. Guess what? NOT hilarious. Especially at 6 am when I had a few extra sips of vino the night before.  OR you do say OH MY and try to subtly fan your face because REALLY guy, do you HAVE to do that? Egads! Go distance yourself from where many other people are working out and therefore breathing heavy.  PS: My lungs are still pissed at you!

Don't laugh OUT LOUD when in an elevator and someone clearly makes a noisy sound, also from their downstairs region, and your tiny son says out loud, "You are supposed to say excuse me when you toot." Or do laugh out loud because that actually IS hilarious.

Don't make fun of a picture someone posts of themselves from the 80s, even though they looked like a cross between Madonna and Punky Brewster and not in good ways. Why should you not do this? Go look at your pics from the 80s, Cyndi Lauper. Yes, your hair looked awesome too. Especially really short on one side and long on the other. And that hair went well with your cut off sweat pants with your last name ironed on down the side in puffy velour letters.

Don't take your shoes off on the plane and then put your feet fully extended on the arm rest of the seat in front of you. Yes, I saw this happen. This is ill.

Don't close an email to a work colleage with the word "HOLLA". I should not even have to type that!

Don't use "US Weekly" as a resource you quote from. Better yet, don't tell people you read that. That is like saying Perez Hilton is your life coach.

Don't make fun of people who watch The Bachelor when you watch Celebrity Apprentice (this note is to me. Seriously, I only watch that show because I love the tasks!!!!!)

 Don't lie  to your son when he asks you what you are drinking (Bloody Mary) and tell him its "Green Bean Juice" so he wont want anything to do with it. He is smart. He will ask you why it is not green. Hope you have your thinking cap on Smarty Pants.

Dont go to a fancy fete with a price tag still adhered to one of your garments. ( I did this.)

Dont forget to say this on Saturday :ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK. My team is in the Final Four. Cheers and have a fabulous weekend.


Slamdunk said...

Thanks for the much needed Friday laughs.

Now, I need to check my FB images to make sure there are no Punky Brewster tributes...

Go KU!

vanilla said...


Kristina P. said...

Perez Hilton IS my life coach. What?

Chantel said...

The Apprentice TOTALLY kicks Bachelor's ass! But seriously, I should like to add that I would HIGHLY not reccommend answering your office phone on SPEAKER when your spouse is home tiling a bathroom. Yesterday my sweet man did just so and when he said "hello" I said, (direct quote here) "I F***ing despise the mother F***ING ass-jacket sh**-headed tile cutter you bought!!"

There was silence. I hear his boss in the background say, "Ummm, we'll pick up this meeting another time..."

Liza said...

Howled out loud at you and your tiny son in the elevator!

Unknown said...

Green bean juice? Now that's original. Hope he doesn't decide to ask if he can taste a little.

ShanaM said...


the walking man said...

To many dont's there for me. I guess I'll just keep on with my do's but have no fear...I don't go to the gym.

webb said...

Used to have a co-worker who would stand in reception and talk; then return to his office leaving behind some "blue smoke". The receptionist finally starting telling people, "oh, Bill was just here". It stopped!

And, thanks for that reminder about the cell in the stall. I hate listening to Niagara Falls when someone calls me from "there". Do they think they are silent?

Anonymous said...

I don't watch The Bachelor or any of the Real Housewives shows, but I do love The Celebrity Apprentice. :)

Cara Smith said...

My biggest issues is taking the phone off mute when it is my turn to talke in the conference call. Luckily it only takes about a minute of talking to myself before someone clues my in by saying, "Are you still there?"

So. Cal. Gal said...

I love green beans! I would've wanted a sip. lol!