Tuesday, May 10, 2011

There is nothing 'lite' about it..

Last night, running on the treadmill, a woman gets on the treadmill in front of me. She looks healthy, fit and fabulous. As she was running, I could not help but notice that she had the one thing I think all women despise: cellulite. She was probably a size two and had highly visible cellulite. Causing me to wonder several things:

1. What the ____ is the point of cellulite? oh, a layer of chubby cells for warmth? No thanks. If I want to be warm, I don't need to wrap my legs in down pillows of fat. There are other methods for layering and staying warm that aren't ugly and they are called Patagonia and North Face.

2. If fat cells wanted to collect together and have a party, why not in the breasts only? Or at least give us a selection.

3. Men don't get this at all? EVER? Nice. Why don't you just hand us menopause and PMS too? Wait, you already did that. 

3. Even a girl who is a size two gets cellulite? And it isn't just one girl who happens to be a size two. It is many, many women. Apparently if you are over the age of 18, you can be a victim.

4. What the _____ is the word 'lite' even included with the root word? This is silly. And misleading. And sounds like a diet drug. Why not call it something more apropos? Cellumallow.

4. Besides diet and exercise, genetics are the primary instigator of cellulite. So pardon me, Mr. Guy at the Kiosk in the mall, when I call B___sh___ on you. First, work on your approach. Best way to not get a lady on your good side is to stop her and ask if she wants help with her cellulite that you can't actually even see. I saw you do that last week when I popped into my favorite store near your sector.

Also, no, I don't believe you when you promise your little bottle of lotion has been proven to eliminate all cellulite because unless that bottle is full of pure grain alcohol which would impair the vision enough to create the effect it has diminished cellulite, your claim is not sound. How do I know? Because if you truly did have a cure for cellulite you would not in fact be selling it out of a kiosk in the middle of the mall which is the equivalent of living in a van down by the river, but you Sir, would in fact be doing much bigger things, for example, owning the universe.

21 comments:

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

I will never, ever, get on a treadmill in front of you. :) You're welcome.

Love "Cellumallow" - very apropos indeed.

Have a super day!

Ed said...

Kiosk = Van down by the river? Ha!

You ladies do have it rough. You at least USED to have chivalry, until womens lib killed it. Now all you got is the crappy stuff like body image issues, PMS, Menopause, childbirth, aging poorly, and unequal wages.

I bet your cellulite is sexy though.

vanilla said...

Why is it that people don't get that all snake-oil salesmen would be rich if they truly had a panacea for what ails us, instead of vending it from the back of a van?

Truly, this is a fun article about a not-so-fun subject. Keep smiling.

Morgan said...

Epically hilarious!

Cellulite... my nemesis. I do not understand how I have trained for so many years, races, etc... and STILL have a collection of you on my butt.

Sara said...

Love it! I know! It is crazy and your word is much more munchier. :)

Pricilla said...

Wait 'til you hit your 50ies and your cellulite does all kinds of wacko things with your skin getting thinner.

and I'm a size 4

Kristina P. said...

This is all so depressing.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

Yea...another crappy 'C' word.

Rebecka said...

When using the treadmill, one should always keep your back - or butt - to the wall. I'm kinda like John Wayne in that respect.
The thoughts of someone watching my my cellumallow pillows go up and down, up and down as I'm working my little heart out... nope, not gonna happen.
It's so unfair.

Rebecca Knight said...

"Best way to not get a lady on your good side is to stop her and ask if she wants help with her cellulite that you can't actually even see."

And he lived to sell another day?? O_o Amazing.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Cellulite is the "pits".

Leah Rubin said...

I love cellumallow. It says it all!

The Savage said...

While I can offer no proof, I have seen men with cellulite. They were quite obese though...

Kir said...

cellumellow sounds tasty, like I'd like to cover it in chocolate and eat it. :)

you always say things with just the right hint of honestly and sarcasm, that's what makes you so awesome.

Now if I could only be a size 2! :)

Baloney said...

I'm just sitting here reading your post and feeling elated. An adorable size 2 runner has cellulite? It's not just ME?
And I never contemplated the fact that men don't have cottage cheese on their thighs - no matter how fat they get.
Not fair.

Maria said...

You know what would be awesome? To see the menopausal, divorcing mother of three kick that salesman a**. If you should happen to see this, immediately video it and post...I hope that SOB gets his, or rather, doesn't and needs some little blue pills to delude himself...Just saying...

Grand Pooba said...

I learned the hard way that nothing gets rid of cellulite. And by hard, I mean $1,600 hard!

Intense Guy said...

Cellulite is a topographic skin change claimed to occur in most postpubertal females. It presents as a modification of skin topography evident by skin dimpling and nodularity that occurs mainly in women on the pelvic region, lower limbs, and abdomen, and is caused by the herniation of subcutaneous fat within fibrous connective tissue, leading to a padded or orange peel–like appearance.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellulite

I'll just go with "Ain't dimples considered cute?"

Legallyblondemel said...

I'm proactively owning the Cellumellow at this stage. If I pretend it's intentional, it's somehow empowering, right? Right? Bueller?

Jen said...

I've tried those lotions. And, surprise,surprise, they don't work. I've been running again and even with how much intense exercise I get, there's still cellulite on my thighs. It's a losing battle.

Jules said...

If SHE had cellulite, I'm not working out anymore!