Friday, December 3, 2010

10 simple life lessons, as learned from Cinema

Last year was a great year for movie theaters. It marked the first time in seven years consumer actually spent more dollars watching movies out than in.

Will 2010 be the same or better for the theaters? I doubt it.

There seems to be a declining number of five star productions. Where are all the blockbusters? The competing titles? The fervor over new releases? It has dissipated culminating in some good movies and a lot of flops including the paltry sales of the much awaited Sex And The City II.  But if consumers are spending top dollar at the theaters, it must be for more than pure entertainment.Perhaps, it might also be the vast knowledge one can glean from a simple two-hour visit to the cinema.

The top 10 simple life lessons I have learned over a box of popcorn and some Twizzlers.

1. If it is late at night and you are frightened by an unknown sound outside, simply strip to your underwear, and run outside. The culprit will appear instantly. You do not need a knife, you can simply carry your Swiffer. And when it is time to run away, the most efficient way to do this is wearing high heels.

2. If you want to be a professional basketball player, it matters not if you are 5 feet tall, all you need to do is dream.

3. If your dog gets lost 2,000 miles away from your home, do not fret, your dog will make a friend, hitchhike toward home, and be at your front door in a day or two.

4. All important meetings between underhanded men will occur in a strip club. All employees of the strip club are "working their way through medical school."

5. All important meetings between gossipy women will occur in the spa. All male employees at the spa look like The Rock.

6. All important meetings between two lovers, who are not supposed to be lovers, will take place in the elevator. There is never an alarm bell when the STOP ELEVATOR button is pushed either. When the elevator resumes, all disheveled hair and clothes will reveal nothing to the people getting in the elevator.

7. All offices in the world have blinds that can shut when a young fraulein steps in the boss man's office. All disheveled hair and clothes will reveal nothing when the blinds are opened, often 4 minutes later.

8. All children who run away in anger from their parents are found on a busy street by a kindly stranger who will provide incredible wisdom to set that child straight. A stranger can do in 5 minutes what parents cannot do in 15 years.

9. If you are female and heartbroken, simply visit a lake or a beach and stare off into space. A sweet love song will automatically start playing and it will soothe your broken little heart. While you are being soothed, another man will appear, much hotter, wearing no shirt but likely riding a horse or coaching a team of underprivileged children, your eyes will lock and you will forget all about that first guy.

10. If you are male and heartbroken, all you have to do is go to a bar, get wasted, hook up with some girl that is not the girl you really love, wake up the next morning feeling lonely and disheveled, and you will instantly write a poem even though you have never written one in your entire life. That poem will be about the girl you really love, which you will accidentally leave one day at Starbucks, she will find it, not know you wrote it, be smitten, and you will get back together the following week over a pumpkin latte.

So regardless of profits made inside the theater, think of everything you can learn. Had only I known #9 when I was a teenage girl.

*This is my third published post on Technorati!

32 comments:

Stereo said...

HILARIOUS.

Kat said...

Yep, always took my life lessons from the movies. My number 1? Don't try to reverse the odometer on a classic car while said car is up on jack stands in a glass walled room 100 feet above a wooded creek. Kat

singedwingangel said...

lmbo ummm for number 9 what if I am not interested in a lake house.. I mean most of them require driving in mountainous hazardous conditions that leave me anything but calm and relaxed..

jules said...

Ha ha ha. Movies are cookie cutter. Love your list calling them out. And why do the girls always end up outside in their underwear?!?!

A Year on the Grill said...

That is a funny stat about the money made inside theatres this year. I spent less this year than ever before in my life.

Too expensive.

And with netflix streaming so many movies, for the price of a single ticket, don;t see that changing next year.

BTW, for the guys, #10 works about as well as your #9

Simply Suthern said...

Come on now. Ya cried at the end of number 3 didnt ya??

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

So true!

Ed said...

Despite your taste in shitty movies, you had me at "Twizzlers".

Sunshinemeg said...

HA! You always give me a good laugh. #5 cracked me up. And I will have to remember #1 for whenever I'm scared. I'm sure I'll make them run away very fast with that!

Susan Erickson said...

We are simply simple....movie makers have been influenced by Bill Maher logic. He says people are like dogs....we don't understand concepts, only a few words, and the rest is voice inflection. Add some hair and makeup, and we have a movie!

Sammy K said...

Printing off list and following these directions now. Thanks so much Jenny and Hollywood! hahahaha

Kristina P. said...

Awesome. I also learned that if you're hot, you don't get STDs, and therefore, don't need a condom.

Maria said...

number 2 made me literally LOL

Matty said...

You summed up life in the movies so well. No wonder I always have a skewed view of how things should be.

KittyCat said...

LOVE 1 & 6
Elevator sex is the bomb!

Great post.

I am probably one of the few that goes to the movies almost every weekend , sometimes twice a weekend.

Love the movies. I know I should get a life already.

Tia said...

So much wisdom to be found in the movies....

Have a great weekend!!

jennykate77 said...

OH-SO-Funny. I loved the list!

hotpants™ said...

#9 is the best. I need to give my daughter that lesson at an early age.

Drew's Mom said...

Nice to see I'm not the only learning from the damn movies.. Lol Love #9 =)

Jen said...

Congrats on the Technocrati nod! I too like #9. That would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Little Ms J said...

Ohmygod... 9 and 10 are my faves!

Bouncin' Barb said...

I need a kleenex now from the tears running down my face laughing. You're sooo right on all of these.

shortmama said...

Sounds like just about every movie out there!

mandatorybloghere said...

if your a mean villian out to destroy the world adopt 3 annoying little girls and your outlook on life will take a drastic change. it works better if they like to wear oversized boots and silly hats

Snuggle Wasteland said...

So funny! There are so many terrible movies being made in Hollywood. I keep thinking that writing a script can't be *that* difficult.

Melissa B. said...

The chicas and I were just talking about "Homeward Bound" over Thanksgiving. Was that two dogs and a cat, or two cats and a dog? Nevertheless, when our cat disappeared a few years ago, our family had faith. And guess what? Kitty is back, safe and sound!

JadeLD said...

I love this post, what a great idea. There's nothing like the cinema really, such great escapism.

Liz said...

Loved this! And now my grocery store provides rentals for a buck a day...I think I've gone to the movies once all year...and that was to take my kid to see Toy Story 3.

Vikki said...

Laughed all the way through this! Esp. loved #8. You're right...Some total stranger whittling a flute on a street corner will raise my child much better than I ever could. Well, THAT could have saved me a buttload of work during those teenage years... :)

secret agent woman said...

Also, if you have wild sex and fall off the bed onto the wooden floor, it won't hurt and bit and you'll just keep at it.

Maria said...

I agree with your list...As much as I love that whole moviegoing experience, it seems that there is never anything worth watching and if there is, you might have to sell one of the kids for tickets, another for the popcorn!

Congrats on the third post! Yippee!

Babes Mami said...

The movies, what wise teachers they are. Excuse me I hear a noise, time to find my heels and cute panties.