Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Walk O' Shame

Back in the day, before I was a wife and mother, I may have had an adventure or two (hundred.) While I was certainly no wild trixie, I was with as much certainty, no daughter of John Winthrop either.

Perchance a few of these adventures caused the inability for me to arrive home safely to my own bed. In college and grad school, I am sure it was primarily from all that studying which led to sleepiness which led to guest over-nighting somewhere. Or it was the cocktails. And the libido. Whichever. Might you too have a memory bank filled with such circumstances? Some memories we reminisce about with a glimmer of joie de vivre. Others, well, more like a going through turbulence on an airplane. You can manage it...but it is not much fun.

The highs and lows of over-nighting which produce the inevitable trajectory back to your own abode. Ahhh, also known as The Walk of Shame. Haven't ever done it? Shine that halo, little angel. You will be one of the few I know.

I was recently chatting with a girlfriend from college. The beauty of good friends, amongst many things, is their ability to recall certain memories of you that you intentionally deleted from both your cortex and your hippocampus. BUT, since such shenanigans are infinitely more humorous to me now, why would I resist sharing? You are right, I won't resist. PS: You have to look at some of your antics and laugh. If you don't, you are likely the only one who has not so in an definitive measure to laugh at myself, here you go:

The Classic Walk of Shame: Sophomore Year of College

My roommate, Action Jackson, and I went to a fraternity formal. We wore ball gowns. We had big hair. (All praise 1990.) We had big fun.

We apparently studied too hard during the day. I got very sleepy at some point. Lights out.

I wake up the next am. In my date's bed. The last time it had been cleaned? Maybe 1980. I am thankfully fully clothed. Royal blue ball gown and all. I actually wore white pantyhose. EGADS. I get shivers thinking about them. Luckily, these were also still on my body. I might have been sleepy but at least I wasn't being a dirty vixen.

Waking up hurts my feelings. I do not feel my best. I feel like a bag of hammers. Must. Exit. IMMEDIATELY. I realize to my dismay, I have no shoes. In the current state, I could not debate the pros and cons of leaving such shoes. Until I recalled the shoes were dyed to match my dress. I can NOT leave blue shoe evidence behind. I search high and low and over many other sleeping bodies. Not a shoe to be seen. I must not tarry.

I haul arse out of there, down stairs, and to the street. I know most of the boys in this fraternity so am highly interested in not being spotted. I get to the street. Nothing says class act like bright blue ball gown with no shoes meandering down the road. I have about 10 fraternities and sororities to pass. MUST MOVE QUICKLY.

As I cross the parking lot, I hear voices exiting the annex where several of the Seniors lived. I duck across the lot hoping the blueness of this dress is so bright that it serves as a distraction from my face. A guy and girl come outside and they are engaged in full on argument. She does not want him to drive her home. He insists. She is mad, he is mad, I am merely dodging bullets here. I scurry, and I do mean scurry, across the street. Seen a rat scurry? This was my method. Only to hear him say in an acid tone, "At least you aren't that girl, walking home BY HERSELF." No one needs a highlighter pen or a spotlight to know that girl he mentions is me.

I tuck my head down and duck in between two buildings. I think I am scot-free when I spy my house nearby. Only to discover, my roommate AND her boyfriend asleep on our daybed in our room. WTF. I quickly change and head to the sleeping dorm but not before seeing this note:

JennyMac: Sorry I left you. You would NOT get up.

You:
drank almost an entire of bottle of vodka. Threw up out T's window. Onto the heads of people below. You actually did an awesome job though singing an entire version of "Blame It On the Rain" by Milli Vanilli. No one believed it was rain. I could not find your shoes. However, someone will. They are bright blue. Don't be mad I left you. T's roommate was pissed you passed out on him and wanted to put a bicycle lock around your neck. I stopped this from happening.  Your BFF, Action Jackson


I promise you NOTHING like this ever happened again. That blue dress went to gown heaven.

The shoes were never recovered. On a post-even visit to that same house, someone asked me if I lost a pair of blue shoes at the formal. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "No. I wasn't wearing blue." Unfortunately, photographic evidence to contrary could not be destroyed. Luckily, there were no pictures of me "sleeping."

AND just to get that image of me in my ugly white pantyhose out of your mind, CONGRATULATIONS to Kristy M. the winner of the Williams-Sonoma Thanksgiving Entertaining Book. Email me and I will mail your book. AND please let us know what time you are serving, we would love to see your feast.

34 comments:

hope said...

OH, thank you for the walk down memory lane... which is a far cry better than a walk down Greek Row at the crack of dawn. Which I never did. I ran.
Love your blog, always!

Kat said...

White pantyhose and shoes dyed to match your ballgown? Oh, the follies of youth! Kat

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

"That girl". Ouch, that stings. I had a total of 1 (or 2... can't remember) such mornings in my youth. I am a lucky gal that nothing bad - other than some embarrassment that is - happened to me either. I think maybe it was the era we lived in. Don't think my daughters will have the same careless, mostly-safe freedom when they're old enough to get into that kind of situation!

Real Housewives of Oklahoma said...

OH, this post is fantastic! LOL. I've made a couple of Walks of Shame in my life...OK, a few, but no more than a few. I know that scurrying method you speak of.

Party pics always tell the truth. :)

Congrats to the winner of the WS book! Just in time for the holidays!

-Mrs. Edwards

Anonymous said...

Painfully hilarious...this post is going out to all my sorority sisters...same years in school too so the Milli Vanilli brought a snort. Made me think of this: http://bit.ly/92Hzpv about 1:12 Love your blog!

Cara Smith said...

Change vodka to tequilla and frat formal to work party and we could have had very near the same experience.

Herding Cats said...

I love walk of shame stories! Oh college. This is too funny!

My best story? Walking home from a random boy's dorm in a flamingo costume. This was the Halloween AFTER I graduated from college. He was a mere junior, and I - a college grad. SIX long blocks in a tutu. Good lord.

ChopperPapa said...

What we all conveniently failed to tell you wonderful ladies is that later in the morning, after you lurched back to your dorms/apartments/whatever; the bro's would conduct impromptu meetings to discuss the finer points of your exit strategies..

Stephanie said...

All I know is that I'm very glad technology didn't exist in it's current form back in the day. Not that I ever did the walk of shame, but it would make me sad for my friends.

jules said...

OMG! I loved this post! I love the shame of the arguing couple calling you out, the note upon your arrival home, and your absolute denial of wearing blue. I would have done the same thing. I too have blamed anything from eccentric colored finger nails to most recently "an aggressive hair poof," for my drunken antics. It's always good to blame inanimate objects.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

LOL your 80's poof hair must have looked fabulous the next day!

Kristy M said...

Love the post! Yay for my new cookbook! Thanks JMac

Bouncin' Barb said...

Oh I have stories. I've written a few of them on my blog and now putting it into a book of my life. So fun.

http://bouncinbarbs.blogspot.com

Ed said...

The vomiting out of a window brought back memories from high school after prom parties.

One in particular involved a new convertible mustang parked below, that the owner unfortunately for him, left the top down on.

Kristina P. said...

You can count me as one of the shiny unicorns you know. I didn't have sex until I was married!

Eva Gallant said...

Thanks for sharing! It made me chuckle to picture you scurrying about shoeless in your bright blue gown and white panty hose!

Paul and Kerry said...

at least you are not "that girl". oh good lord that was wrong.

Foxy said...

Bahaha! Loved this! Being a Mormon my whole life (now ex) I was never able to have such experiences in college. Thanks for the vicarious experience :)

Big Fat Gini said...

I can happily admit that I never did have to do a Walk O' Shame. But, that's what usually happens when you get knocked up at nineteen. I mean, really. God pretty much demanded that I return my halo right then and there.

Also, white pantyhose? The last time I wore those, they had neon colored shapes all over them and I was wearing a denim dress, headband and gloves while singing Material Girl for a talent show.

Okay. So I can't judge...

University of Iowa Meg said...

AHAHAHA! I love it. Altho, I'm a about a decade later than you in my antics...gosh was it fun...even with crazy and embarassing storie like that! :)

webb said...

Finally, you have given me a reason to be glad I went to a college with a curfew, so I couldn't get too "sleepy" elsewhere. That is not to say that there weren't plenty of tipsy walks down long halls to my room! And, then there was the night that Wanda climbed into my bed - a story for another time.

Pricilla said...

I think I wore that dress in a wedding....

Christiejolu said...

HAHAHA!!! Classic walk of shame girl!!!

Babes Mami said...

I can't get the image of you in a bright blue ballgown and white pantyhose running around a campus.

Hahahahha

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Not to speak ill of the dead, the one with pictures (and the negatives) to blackmail me with has now passed on. I miss her terribly, but the photos went with her. Hallelujah! I can keep my halo shining now.
Rosemary

foxy said...

Now that is a GREAT walk of shame story. I may have one of my own, but I'll never tell... ;)

Mighty M said...

I may have Blamed it on the Rain a little too much too. :)

Maria said...

Never had one of those walks of shame...my walks of shame include a shrieking toddler who could pass for someone being kidnapped...I imagine that the humiliation and looks of judgement are ranked about the same, no? I mean, bright blue ball gown, toddler being dragged while screaming no carry the same kind of shame, right?

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

The blessing in all of this is that we fall down but we sure get back up!

The only thing left as a reminder are the pictures (which will hopefully not resurface) and your memories.

Christopher said...

ha! oh the things alcohol does

carma said...

my early life was so darn boring compared to your's!! *sigh*

Kato said...

Oh lord. I love it. I never had that much fun in university :)

Vikki said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard, I had to read most of this twice. "At least you're not THAT girl" will crack me up all day! Kudos for posting this. The rest of us will deny, deny, deny... :)

hotpants™ said...

You threw up on people? I have some crazy vomit stories, but I never threw up on another person. Hahahahaha! You win.