Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Crazy Talk



Our little bird (e.g. our child, you know I like nicknames) attends an "Early Learning Center". We have discovered ELCs are much, much different than "daycare." How did we learn this? When we paid tuition. Oh, its the same as private schools for high school kids? Nice.

But, he loves it, is excelling there, and I never felt any maternal angst leaving him in their care. In addition, most of the parents there seem great and the kids seem to truly benefit from the educational focus and overall environment. That is why I was surprised to overhear the following conversation down the hall of school yesterday as I walked with little man to his class.

Mom: Will, hurry up. We have to get to your class. (She is 40 paces in front of a little boy about 18 months or so.)

Will drinks his juice and continues walking.

Mom: Fine. I don't care if you hurry. Take ALL the time you want.

Will drinks his juice and continues walking. He is actually moving but come on, his legs are little and he's not a baby cheetah.

Mom: WILL HURRY UP. I am SERIOUS!!! (Rarely do you see parents acting/talking/behaving this way in our school. By all means, I am sure most of us wait until we are home at least!)

Will drinks his juice and continues walking.

Mom: It doesn't matter to me if you hurry at all. Walk as slowly as possible.

Will drinks his juice. He does not appear confused but I am certain I do.

Mom: HURRY UP WILL. RIGHT NOW!!! WE NEED TO GET TO OUR CLASS!!!!!!

Will drinks his juice. Its a long hallway, trust me.

Now, I don't know about Will, but I am thinking what in the @*^# are you talking about? I am all for reverse psychology when it needs to be implemented. Even without a psychology degree, I am confident that you don't alternate between directives and reverse psychology ten times in less than one minute. I am certain you aren't using sarcasm. And I like sarcasm (a lot). But you know who doesn't like sarcasm? Tiny people who barely grasp the English language, think their teddy bear is real, and still wear diapers. We don't use sarcasm in front of our son and he can recite the entire Pledge of Allegiance. But he is only two. Don't you have to wait until your child is at least, I don't know, ten before you introduce sarcastic statements? I hope we never do but I am not making promises. I will attest that we can wait until he is at least exponentially older than he is now.

So if it isn't sarcasm, what exactly is that pattern of dialogue you are whipping around this morning? Should you not choose one approach? It was a little bit like "which way is this bird flying." Which may explain why Will wasn't altering his pace at all because give it one more nanosecond, and she would go right back to "I don't care how fast you walk".

So which is it? You do care about speed and expediency in arriving at the classroom? Or you do not?

I made a tiny note to self: Don't talk this way. It apparently has no impact on your audience, and well, you sound just a little bit crazy. Children will learn this technique quickly. They will have the ability to use it against you one day. Don't give them ammo before they have earned it.

And yes, I can appreciate that Mom may have been having a bad morning. However, crazy talk only makes it worse. You know why? Because all the gibberish wasn't changing the outcome. AT ALL. And even when I am tempted to communicate this way, I will remind myself that Will looked cool as a cucumber while his mom was getting just a wee bit foamy at the mouth.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Someone needs detention

To counterbalance the piles of Language Arts and Social Studies homework most 5th graders are plied with all year, some teachers end the year with a heartfelt collection of memories. Sent home with the kids at year end, these memories are meant to capture the joys and highs of the student's school year.

Unless you live in Elk Grove, California.

And if you live in Elk Grove, California and were a 5th grader in Crystal Defanti's class at Isabelle Jackson Elementary School, your school memories just took "spicy" to a whole new level.

Last week, kids were sent home with a DVD made by their teacher, Ms. Defanti. They were able to scroll through the menu to review various functions and school trips. Until you hit that magic mystery option. Those who did surprised themselves and their families when part of the DVD includes Ms. Defanti having sex on her couch.

Oh my.

Let's all learn a lesson here:

1. Do not put yourself on home video having sex. Ever. Do you think you look like Jenna Jamison? I am certain you do not. Unless you have a full film crew with special lighting and editing equipment, it is never going to look like you think it does.

2. Do not provide permanent evidence of your personal endeavors. To anyone. Heard of YouTube? Heard of YouPorn? Do you want to see yourself on an international media format after the breakup/divorce/bitter end? Do you think all of those other women inadvertently put on the net thought their lover/boyfriend/spouse would never do something like that either? Right.

3. Do not store your videos of the Elementary School Spring Fling in the same desktop file folder as "Getting It On Couch Style". Really? You can make numerous folders. Pay attention.

4. Aren't you a teacher? Do you not tell the children often to REVIEW THEIR WORK BEFORE THEY TURN IN? Should you have done so? Of course. Then you wouldn't wonder why Brad and MaryEllen's fathers smiled at you so much more during the end of the year school picnic.

Bless her heart though. You know she is mortified by such a colossal mistake. Initially, the school asked all parents to return the DVDs. Now they have simply asked that each family destroy the DVD. Ummm hmmmm. I am sure someone kept that video. I am sure that someone has a bizarre school teacher fetish. Poor Ms. Defanti.

A crime? No. Should she be fired? Her own embarrassment is surely a huge price to pay. I am certain she is thrilled the school year is over. Perhaps a long vacation. But this time, please leave your video camera at home.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Take A Bite Of: Spicy Grilled Sweet Potatoes


the perfect cook-out acoutrement. Growing up, my only exposure to sweet potatoes was the mushy kind topped with brown sugar and marshmellows. Ugh. And I wouldn't touch sweet potatoes because of that dish. For years. Well, silly me. Look at all I missed!

Since this is one of the biggest cook-out weekends on the calendar each year, you need something simple, easy, and delicious. This version of a sweet potato will deliver.

From one of my favorite cooking mags, Cooking Light, the perfect side dish.


Spicy Grilled Sweet Potatoes

Ingredients:
3/4 t ground cumin
1/2 t garlic powder
1/4 t salt
1/8 t ground red pepper
1 T olive oil
1 pound peeled sweet potatoes, cut into 1/4 inch slices

cooking spray
2 T. chopped fresh cilantro

Directions:
Combine first four ingredients in small bowl.
Combine olive oil and sliced potatoes in medium bowl to coat.
Heat a large grill pan over medium heat. Coat pan with cooking spray.
Add potatoes, cook about 10 minutes turning occasionally.
Place potatoes in bowl, sprinkle with cumin mixture and cilantro. Toss to coat.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Dance Fever

Shall we spend a minute talking about dancing? But of course. I just watched a video of a dance group in England called Flawless. Guess what?

They are flawless.

Matters not if you like to trip the light fantastic friends, these boys are incredible. If your soul has any rhythm, just take a peek. Believe me. Now let me get back to the floor. I am trying to determine how to mimic at least one of these moves. I may not have as much time to shake it, but when I do, watch out.

And since it is a holiday weekend, and you probably will have a sip or two extra, you might want to get your groove on too. Prepare to be enthralled.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Just brew it....

Now that it is officially summer, I want to make a point. Eddie Cochran had it all wrong. There is a cure for the summertime blues. There is nothing better to combat a hot day than a refreshing and cold beverage. While beer might not be my drink of choice, let me assure you, I know a fantastic ale when it comes my way.

And while you are concerned about the volume of carbs each 12 oz beer comes with, let me share a few little known facts about your barley and hops concoction: Beer not only contains B6, but beers containing hops and malt are also a source of antioxidants. So see, it not only makes you look better on the outside (to other people consuming same said beverage) it may just be making you look better on the inside.

Let me share a little list I compiled. For the next time you are seeking a cold tasty, give one (or more) of these a chance. And with 4th of July just days away, I know I will be sipping one of these for sure after the Peachtree Road Race. And since you may either host or attend a cook out or two, by all means, these are always a welcome guest.

Just a note: I am not man enough to drink dark smoky beers. You will find no stouts, barleywines, or malt liquors on my list. These are meant to refresh you my friend, not weigh you down or cause you to do bad things.

Cheers.


1. Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat. (Thanks to my little brother and that fabulous bar in Boston. This is my all-time favorite. Now faithfully served on Delta Airlines. Love it.)

2. Sam Adams White Ale. It is seasonal so you better get it while its hot.

3. Blue Moon (Belgian style white beer made by Molson and a former World Championship of Beer medalist.)

4. Honeymoon (From the makers of Blue Moon. It is a summer pale wheat ale.)

5. Hoegaarden (Belgian style white beer.)

6. Sweetwater Hummer (Made in Atlanta. Boosting that local economy. And you know you did giggle a little bit over the name. Admit it. )

7. Rising Moon. (From the makers of Blue Moon as well. Great wheat beer with a mild twist of Kaffir lime.)

8. Shock Top (Belgian style white ale with hint of orange. Made by Anheuser-Busch.) Serve with a slice of orange. MMMMM.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Let's hug it out

Virginia Satir, a noted psychologist, stated that four hugs a day are needed for survival, eight per day for staying calm, and twelve per day for growing stronger. I believe it, and I don't think the statement is narrowly applied.

Here is an article I first saw over a decade ago...


And while I found it certainly a darling photograph and storyline, I couldn't speak to its validity being neither a parent nor a doctor at the time.

However, a dear friend of mine from college who is a parent and a doctor, delivered twin boys fairly early. While they were in NICU, she sent me this photo, to which I added a little welcome to them. And one is clearly embracing the other. Her husband warned that a more precious photo might never have been taken. I concur. And the boys are healthy and happily now at home with their family.

So hugs heal, stabilize, and satisfy an incredible fundamental human need of affection and touch.

And just like Ari Gold, I like to hug it out too.

So I find it quite interesting that primary and secondary schools from Oregon to Connecticut are banning hugs or mandating a three-second rule. Wow.

I understand that the levels of physical contact in your average junior high would make my sorority days look like The Pilgrim's Progress but some schools are adamant that the hug is a just a wiggle away from a dry hump:

Comforting as the hug may be, principals across the country have clamped down. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory,” said Noreen Hajinlian, the principal of George G. White School, a junior high school in Hillsdale, N.J., who banned hugging two years ago. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”

Hug as greeting is ok but prolonged hug, not ok. Got it. Now, I may alter my tune when my own child is in the 7th grade hormone-addled game of Twister, or, when we catch him as a teen with one of his girlfriends in what surely looks like a naked frolic but he assures us they were just "hugging".

But for now I am glad children are showing some affection and instilling some actual human contact during their 100+hours a week of texting and mySpacing. And the hugs, well, they seem quite mild compared to what you know they might be dishing out under the bleachers.

I am sure the schools, acting in good faith to protect the children they serve, attempt to make the best decisions possible but in a world of outlandish behavior, bullying, weapons in school, and physical attacks on teachers, the hug, well, it seems uplifiting.

And the hug worked on these babies, and I certainly know they work on me. So here's to getting your four (at least) a day.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Puppy Love



Nixon was my first serious "dog relationship." I had dogs my entire adolescence and thought dogs were an easy addition to the family. Yes, dogs are easy, when you are age five to seventeen and you do NOTHING to actually assist in the care-taking of said dog except for the occasional pet or game of fetch here and there.


Nixon was my learning curve, and ultimately my favorite girl.


Way back in the days of cutting my teeth on other serious relationships like college boyfriends, my first serious paramour and I decided to get a dog. Well, let me slightly rephrase. He said he wanted us to get a dog. I said no. He said let's go look. I said no. We went and "looked" and any fool who got in that car in the first place knows how this story ends. That day, with a puppy on my lap, I became a member of the Boxer Fan Club (well, maybe not that day since that little puppy had to go pee pee similar I suppose to what a camel might need to do after holding it in for oh, weeks and since the dam broke and my lap was her current location, there you have it.)

Years later, I felt it was time to resume doggie ownership but as the sole proprietor this time. I had a roommate and every time I would even look at a dog or comment on its cuteness she would say "Ohhhh nooo". I decided to pull the same explanation that I had been subjected to years before. I called her and said I was going to look at puppies. When I got to the breeder, there was only one left. A runt. And she came tearing around that corner barely two pounds but giving it all she's got. She was so tiny I didn't know if she was actually a dog or a mouse in a doggie costume. A friend was with me and when we looked at that face, we knew it was all over. There simply is no "just going to look." We brought her home and she was so little she had to get a kitty collar and a kitty crate. She never made it over 50 pounds but every pound of her was full of love, energy, and sass. Let me explain.

People say that a dog's personality can very often take on attributes of its owner. Oh, say it ain't so. Nixon was the most loving baby girl but oh, did she have a smart mouth. Hmmmmm. I am still waiting for the irony to sink in but something tells me I will be waiting a long time.

She was a back talker. I had never heard such a thing. From a pet. I would tell her no, or to get off the couch (ongoing battle) and she would do it, begrudgingly, and with backtalk like a raaaaawrr raaaaaawrr.

The first time, I could not quite believe what I was hearing. I actually asked her, "Are you sassing me." (Sounds smart, I know.) To which she looked at me as if she couldn't believe I even had to ask. I did find it funny, in an unfunny way. I came home once and she must have been in a deep sleep, because normally, that key would hit the lock and she would fly off that couch and dive into her baby's bed to pretend she was there all along. This day, she only had her front paws on the floor while her butt was all cuddled up on that couch. Oh, and the look of "UH OH" all over her face.

She is the reason people should get dog's in the first place. We had a few mishaps along the route but they made me laugh then (maybe not immediately) and they make me laugh now. When she was six months old, I took her with me on an errand on a cool fall day. Returning to the car I saw a smudge on the window that I could not readily identify. She sat in the driver's seat with a look like "Oh, I MISSED you" on her face. Upon closer inspection, I made an unfortunate discovery.

She had pooped in the car. And then, in haste to get away but with no available escape route, she ran around the car. And around, and around, and around. Nixon Andretti did laps. With poop on paws. It was on the windows, the seats, and a piece even fell in my gym bag. I was mortified. And before you wonder, YES, I took her out to do her business before we left!

I get in the car only upon confirming there was no poop in the driver's seat. At about the second red light, I realized my jeans were taking on water. From the seat. Where she had peed. Goood Lawwwwwd. Oh, I was a pretty picture parked outside my house in the urinate-o-shat mobile. I was so mad at her too. I told her not even to look at me, which she ignored as she tried to cuddle in my lap. Oh, it got cleaned and I couldn't tell anyone who got in the car for months afterward. Now, I find it hysterical and if I could tell you the story in person, I would laugh even harder.

And in another "incident" (Warning: not for those who are squeamish in the tum tum). I got home one day and noticed a distinct scent. Searching high and low, I found nothing. About 20 minutes before I was playing tennis, I took her out to run on the court. She loved it (and I loved watching her bound over the net. With clearance. Superdog!). As she rounded the net, she looked a bit tuckered. As my tennis partner and I looked on, she was suddenly ill. Poor little vomit dog. And then, and only then, did I realize what had happened to the "evidence". I actually had to wrap my nose and mouth in a t-shirt so as to not contribute to the already sickening stench on the tennis court. My partner, laughing his arse off, told me I had to scrub it clean before he would step a foot back on the court. After hauling buckets, brooms, and soap to clean up the mess, did I then counsel sweet young Nixon in no uncertain terms that her circumstances could NEVER be so dire that they would require her to eat her own doo doo. NEVER.

We had big fun. I won't go into all the road trips, the lake, the park, how she would run in these crazy circles like a jackrabbit. Or how every friend I had (including old roommate who never wanted a dog) fell in puppy love with that little girl. She warmed even the hardest of hearts.

And she was a great litmus test. Once, a boy came over to court me, and when he met her he literally tapped her head with one finger, then said, "hmmm, now I smell like dog" and went immediately to wash his hands. She and I looked at each other and knew that would be the last of him.

When we met JohnnyMac, she became completely enamored with him and would only do what was asked of her if it came from him. Once, we were sitting in the living room and she was trying to get on the couch. I told her she had to stay down. She walked around our ottoman to nestle by him and lay her head on JohnnyMac's knee. Those big eyes looking up at him. And don't think he wasn't a sucker for her. Goodness.

I never wanted her on the furniture and devised many schemes to keep her off since each initial scheme failed miserably. Someone told me to put sheets of foil on the couch since animals don't like foil. Eureka! Until she found a way to put her paws on the arm of the chaise, and use her teeth to pull the blanket off the back of the couch OVER the foil so she could nestle right down for a long nap while we were away. Upon discovering this I thought Curses! JohnnyMac asked how I could be mad when my dog was a GENIUS! Touche.

When we were pregnant, and got our new gorgeous king-sized bed, we decided (I decided and JohnnyMac very reluctantly agreed) that Nixon couldn't sleep on the bed anymore. I was concerned she would jump on the bed when the baby came. One night, I came to bed and there is JohnnyMac reading his book, and covered in his 50 pound fur blanket: Nixon. I asked him how that happened and I do love that he acted as if she snuck up there on her own merit like some canine Navy Seal. He also gave mock surprise when he put his book down and pretended he was just noticing her presence. A sucker! I told you!

When our munchkin came into the world, we followed all the steps to help Nixon adapt. And once when I was holding him over my arm, she bounded up and touched his face. I remember being upset with her because it startled me. But she was just trying to get to know him. At that time being such a new parent, I wasn't taking any chances and I wouldn't even let her in the bedroom at night the first month because baby and baby's crib were in our room. She would sleep outside the door and sigh, often and loudly, to let me know her disposition. And her exile didn't last long.

The first month of his life, she started limping. We had no idea why or the source of any injury so we took her immediately to the vet. She was x-rayed and examined. The wise old vet who had been her vet from day one, said there was actually nothing wrong with her. And that it might be her way of getting attention with the new baby.

"So, she's faking an injury?" I asked, incredulously. He laughed and said he could not confirm or deny. She was FAKING IT. And she never limped another day after that.

She got to spend more time with him. And he used to giggle and laugh when she would try to kiss him. I encouraged him to stop opening his mouth when she did kiss him but my words only had so much effect.

I wish they were friends now. I would love seeing them together. And she would love the copious amounts of food that doesn't seem to make it into our munchkin's mouth. And he would love chasing her and trying to catch her little nub as it wagged a thousand beats per minute.


Just after she turned seven, she died unexpectedly as we played in the back yard one day. She was completely healthy and the vet could identify no known cause. I only then understood how people lose a pet and immediately add another pet to their family. You are not trying to replace, but there is a distinct and lonely gap left behind when you lose a pet, and the gap Nixon left is bigger than I could have ever dreamed. I miss her and while I want another dog, I admittedly want one just exactly like her. Sassy mouth and all.

We know we will have another dog one day. A wise girlfriend told me we may not want to have two little bottoms to be cleaning up after at the same time. Now that I am a Boxer Fan Club member, I already know what breed that dog will be. JohnnyMac doesn't get a vote, but who is he kidding, he will be a sucker for the next one too. And our little man will know why they say dog is man's best friend.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Have A Sip Of: Honey Pear Martini


As you may recall, the Honey Pear martini, also known as the Honeyed Pair Martini, (oh, clever play on words) is also known as The Daywrecker. So while you get all hazy-eyed staring at your new summer fling, I will just politely add, you were warned.

This elixir...my oh my....it is simple. And simply out of this world. HiPie and I attempted to make them in Mexico with a bottle of Grey Goose La Poire, some unknown mixture that was promised to be honey, and pieces of lemon. Do not do this. This isn't Second City. Don't improvise. We had to because 1. the La Poire was beckoning 2. I talked up the Honey Pear martini oh so much. 3. They do not sell lemon juice in Mexico. Anywhere.

So here is the delicious mixture. Enjoy every sip.

Honey Pear Martini

Fill your shaker with ice. Add ice and cold water to your martini glasses to chill. (Come on, be fancy with me.) However, I don't recommend flavored sugar rim unless its lemon sugar.

This should make two or three depending on your glass size. We have Reidel 5 oz martini glasses but beware: you don't want to tell people you had eight martinis tomorrow. A 5 oz glass is tiny.

Ingredients:

1/2 pear vodka with a splash of cold water (Count to ten while you pour if you aren't going to measure).

1/4 honey simple syrup* (Directions below but don't worry, its simple.) Count to five while you pour.

1/4 lemon juice (fresh or Real Lemon 100% lemon juice. Count to five while you pour).

Shake it, shake it, shake it. Empty your chilling martini glass and refill with nectar of Aestas.


* To make honey simple syrup. Add 1 c. water to 1. c honey in a saucepan over medium heat until honey is fully incorporated. Do not boil. It will overflow and make a huge mess and you will pissed off before you can enjoy your cocktail and I never want to see that happen.


Let cool completely. Store in squeeze bottle or in tupperware container. Cheers!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Prada Dada

JohnnyMac is superfly. He has been since the day we met. Actually, since before we met. I love that we went out one night with some casual friends, early on in our dating. The wife complimented his attire and said she loved his shoes. He had just bought them at Kenneth Cole in NYC. She laughed and said, "Before he met you, I don't think he even knew what brand he bought."

Oh, I know that's not right.

JohnnyMac loved to bestow on me fabulous clothes and handbags. And JohnnyMac was well coiffed and well presented long before we met. But he is subtle about it.

Unlike our friend in law school, Wrinkle, who only wore clothes emblazoned with logo. And not just a subtle polo horse or Faconnable crest. His poison was Tommy Hilfiger who manufactured shirts and jackets with not only logo but entire name spelled out down the arms and across the back. We used to tease him. Relentlessly.

Hey Wrinkle. I love your shirt. Lacoste?
No, its Hilfiger.
Oh really? Is it?

But JohnnyMac has been cool since he had the Camaro in high school (and a mullet I can absolutely assume. A fact which his mom confirms and he denies). But he was hip then, and he is hip now.

And I love the first time JohnnyMac came home from baby clothes shopping. Forget Gymboree (which I actually don't like a bit) and went straight to Bloomingdales. He is a Prada Dada. I had a habit of overbuying but JohnnyMac only added piles of gold to our son's already over-brimming pot.

My mom recalls that when I was a toddler, I refused to wear socks that didn't match my underwear. Thankfully this is a trend that saw its demise. But I get her assertion, and I know it smacks of truth. And my mom steered me on that initial inclination as she frequently sends boxes full of babyclothes for the Bird from Nordstrom and Macy's. My little brother sent wee man a pair of Diesel jeans. For his 2nd birthday. So the familial influence abounds.

And now we see our tiny son has his own element of style. As I was getting him dressed the other morning, he said, "I don't like that shirt Mommy." Alright Bird. I asked him what he wanted to wear and he hopped down and opened his armoire and pulled down a long sleeve button down. "This one. It's my favorite. It has a horse like Daddy's shirt."

And then he asked for his golf visor, "just like Daddy wears." You've got it, buddy.

Did I mention he is only two? And I think JohnnyMac with his fabulous style is a great influence.
Are we promoting materialism? Of course not. My son wore a paper Varsity Drive In hat for days. Do you know the Varsity Drive In? An Atlanta tradition (oldest drive in on city record) and about as far from haute couture as you can be.)
And we know he will someday want to dress as if matching colors and complimentary patterns are meaningless. Good for him. I will encourage his own creative license. But while he wants to be like Prada Dada, I love it.