The King of Creep

So a man wants to commission a portrait. One of himself all dressed up like a tiny King Edward V, right down to his little red tights. And he will hang said portrait in his home to gaze at himself because he is, after all, crowned the King of Pop. While it may strike the average person as being a bit odd, who is to say?


And then same said man, wants to have a statue of a tiny girl in a blue onesie jumper, licking an ice cream cone, and holding balloons. Well, you hope he is only having it commissioned in order to donate it to a city park and not actually going to keep it in his home. Or in the alternative, he would have such a statue as a tribute to some nice family member for her birthday perhaps. Or by some stretch, he would have it only as a testament to good will and welcoming gestures. No need to even remark on the reputation of said man, right?

But then, same man, decides what would be even more welcoming and indicative of good will but to have the prop hands from the movie Edward Scissorhands on display as well. Because nothing extends a warm invitation to family and friends then gloves made of metal casing adorned with razor sharp talons. And just adjacent to the statute of the girl eating ice cream, well, you have your own year round House of Horrors. Welcome kids! I bet you just can't wait to come over. Do you like an uncomfortable scene of distate? A rolling sea of weirdness? There is plenty of room for everyone!

These photos are from the actual catalogue of auction items from Neverland Ranch. What a treat. Because now even the most mortal of men, who may have been curious how I too can adorn my home with creepy things will have their chance.

One for every day of the week: Websites

Oh, the internet. What did we do before you gave us a golden ticket to your information highway? Let's talk about some great websites. And no, I did not list Google. Do I need to? No, because it is so well-known its actually morphed into a verb as in "Oh, I googled him." Good job Sergey and Larry, I love that your graduate school research project turned into the number one search engine in the world.


Here is a list of some of my favorites, one for every day of the week.


1. http://www.newseum.org/ : This includes the real time front pages of over 450 newspapers around the world.


2. http://www.ted.com/: Ideas worth spreading. Interesting library of live talks by remarkable people from all around the world on topics ranging from science to global issues.


3. http://www.ehow.com/: An online learning resource on how to do just about everything.


4. http://www.freerice.com/: Test your vocab and as you succeed, you are automatically contributing to the UN World Food Program.


5. http://www.songfacts.com/: We have all wanted to know what "In the Air Tonight" was really about and here is the website that gives the meaning behind thousands of songs. Readers can also comment.


6. http://www.picaboo.com/: Make your own coffee table book of photos with your own design. It is the easiest tool to upload, and has an online resource center. I used it for my wedding album and when the gorgeous black leather book came, I was totally thrilled.


7. http://www.visuwords.com/: An online graphical dictionary.

Mamma Mia

I have always celebrated Mother's Day because of my mom is great and deserves more than a day in honor of how much she has loved us. And I celebrate Mother's Day because of other truly incredible women in my family and friend circle. But this is only my second time of being celebrated on Mother's Day. And it is incredible.


So thank you JohnnyMac. You were the first man I met that made me want such permanency. And you brought an entirely new level of value and true depth to my life involving marriage and parenting. And thank you for taking me to NYC and sending us home with a permanent souvenir.


And my son. Without you I would not be celebrated today.


You are such a little man. You are proof that goodness, that is pure and true exists. And I want you, your life, and all that you will become to be not only a reflection on us, but a reflection of us. It is a lot to live up to, I know. But I hope the greatest characteristics of both Daddy and I are the only ones we instill upon you.


My son, every initial sense of leadership, strength and character you learn will come from inside this house. I take that to heart and while I may disappoint you (and certainly irritate you circa 10 years from now or so) if you respect me, I have gained immeasurable ground. We teach people how to treat us, and I want you to have everything you need to go in the world and lead.


And you have made me patient in ways I did not think achievable. For this, you should be anointed King. You have made me laugh as you are particularly delighted with things I may have thought I was far too busy to notice before. And the first time you got hurt (and in retrospect, it was just a tiny hurt but you were terrified), I knew how true responsibility felt because I amassed some abnormal level of strength and clarity to do whatever was necessary (short of performing surgery in our kitchen) to heal you.


The day in the car when you asked to hear Count on Me, and as you sang along with the words, you moved me in such a personal and loving way. Count on Me is our song. And the first song Daddy and I danced to at our wedding. To have you unknowingly instill that song in your memory bank and personal playlist made me catch my breath. And I have not told another person that until now. It was a beautiful day when you came along but these moments, these opportunities for things I like to inherently and magically become things you like, its amazing to witness.


It is a huge responsibility to be your mom. You are gifted and we greet that part of you with open arms. You have everything we have to offer at your fingertips and our job is to help you become a great boy, and a great man. And as we learn how to do that with you, I hope I am what you believe is the absolute best you could have as a Mom.


I hope I live up to the great expectation, but loving you along the way will be the easy part. Thank you for giving me an entirely new role and title. You were worth every second of waiting.


PS: Thank you for telling me you wanted a brother because "Daddy has one." Let's see how we all end up on the other side of toddler years and we can revisit that request.


PSS: Daddy had what looked like a tiny stroke when I told him what you said so no need to approach with with that specific request either.


I love you, Baby LAM.
Mommy

Take A Bite Of: Outrageous Brownies

Chocolate sin anyone? Ina Garten is a phenomenal chef and this recipe of hers is fantastic. Worth the time to produce 20 king size brownies that will have your dessert faire the top of everyone's wish list. What better treat for yourself or another mother you love on this fabulous weekend? Buon Appetito.

Outrageous Brownies

Ingredients
1 pound unsalted butter
1 pound plus 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, divided
6 ounces unsweetened chocolate
6 extra-large eggs
3 tablespoons instant coffee powder
2 tablespoons real vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour, divided (1 cup for batter and 1/4 cup in the chips and nuts)
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt

3 cups diced walnuts (Optional. I omit).

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Grease and flour a 13 by 18 by 1 1/2-inch sheet pan.

Melt together the butter, 1 pound chocolate chips, and unsweetened chocolate on top of a double boiler. Cool slightly. Stir together the eggs, instant coffee, vanilla and sugar. Stir in the warm chocolate mixture and cool to room temperature.

Stir together 1 cup of the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to cooled chocolate mixture. Toss the walnuts and 12 ounces of chocolate chips with 1/4 cup flour to coat. Then add to the chocolate batter. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for about 30 minutes, or until tester just comes out clean. Halfway through the baking, rap the pan against the oven shelf to allow air to escape from between the pan and the brownie dough. Do not over-bake! Cool thoroughly, refrigerate well and cut into squares.

Dubai's Angels

This is a photo of a Dubai Police Special Unit hand-picked, hired and trained to act as bodyguards to heads of state, ministers, top officials and their families, particularly women, and other people of importance visiting Dubai.

Highly skilled at rappelling, fighting skills, anti-riot management, boxing, karate and tae kwon do. In addition to being multi-lingual, trained to abseil from helicopters wearing battle-packs, maneuver high speed Yamaha superbikes, be sharpshooters with 9mm handguns, they are also required lay down lives to protect those put under their care.

All I can add is that if you can do all of the above AND perch on one shoulder while maintaining your weapon, you are a bad ass.

Oh, and this Special Unit is all-female. Even more bad ass.

Love it.

Business Too Casual

JohnnyMac had an employee clearly striving to never be employee of the month. Here is the breakdown.

This employee, estimated around 27 years old, working for one of the largest companies in the US. This employee comes to work in jeans. His supervisor, who reports to JohnnyMac, can clearly handle passing along the coaching tip. This is a business environment. Business casual means trousers and button downs or golf shirts. What his supervisor did not say was look around. Do you see people wearing jeans? Your environment is a beacon of information. Use it.

BlueJeans quickly forgot the quick tete a tete. He wore jeans again. And again. Supervisor finally quashed this under who knows what sort of communication. I am perplexed that an employee who actually wants to maintain employment would digress when repeatedly given warnings.

As a quick sidebar, I think grown individuals working in "typical" office environments should have obligatory awareness of what elements are likely to be beheld as "inappropriate for work".

Which would include, at the minimum:

blue jeans (unless allowed), flip flops, midriff baring shirts, your prison style chest tattoo, your cleavage, your underwear tag, your copious chest hair, your Miller Lite tee, or anything bearing the Playboy Bunny icon.

However, BlueJeans certainly found another way to occupy his time. When BlueJeans was finally terminated a few weeks ago, he requested time to sort out his personal effects. This is not a situation where you were employed at length, nor are you moving from one office to another.

What personal effects do you need an hour or more to sort out? BlueJeans had stacks and stacks of documents he claimed were personal and wanted to maintain. Supervisor certainly utilized a level of patience I might not have afforded. BlueJeans had hundred and hundreds of pieces of paper, printed at the office. What could be so consuming that you would have hundreds of pieces of paper related to a personal item that you printed at the office?

He hacked into his ex-girlfriends Facebook account and email and had printed all of the correspondence relative to him. The primary narrative of her correspondence? That he was nuts and she was glad to be rid of him. Supervisor decided to inflict some pain and require that since the documents were technically company property, he would have someone make copies. Of every piece. Excellent. BlueJeans visibly wiped the sweat from his brow.

Oh BlueJeans, you must not want to work. This is an office, not your college apartment. In all your internet time, did you not scan the news a time or two? Are you aware of the current state of our economy? Do you know PhDs are applying to work as baristas at Starbucks? Jobs do not abound. Do you need me, JennyMac, to tell you to not take business to0 casual? Wear your khakis. And obviously you shouldn't use a ream or two of paper (which is also evidence against you) as well as company time, equipment, and product for your own little FaceBookgate as you cyberstalk your ex. Had she only mentioned "about to be unemployed" she would have your profile nailed down pat.

Bown chicka bown bown

Something tells me this is not what Van Halen had in mind when they penned their infamous song Hot for Teacher. Unbelievable to me that in the times of constant reports, from coast to coast, of inappropriate contact between educators and students, who knew gratuitous semi nude teachers would be sitting right there in Cocoa Beach, Florida?

Something tells me the Board of Education in Brevard County, Florida is a wee bit liberal, yes?

While I applaud the efforts to raise money for the American Cancer Society, I think junior and senior high school teachers bearing it down to the bare skin to make a calendar is just a smidge over the top. This photo is the group of teachers who so willingly donned shirts for a good cause.

One of the teachers, Mr. August, claimed the kids don't like to look at their "goofy teachers" however, he did think that "a lot of moms really like the calendar." Oh really. I feel like I am about to sip a dangerous (dangerous, bizarre and completely unwelcome) beverage mixed of equal parts Porky's, American Pie, and Desperate Housewives.

And the cherry on top? (of course, no pun intended) the Principle of the school, Tim Cool (Principal Cool, are you serious?) said he was easily persuaded to pose because the calendar supports a worthy cause. A year ago, his mother died of cancer, so the picture also was a tribute to her, he said.

I am not sure I can think of a single cause that would warrant my child posing semi-nude for a calendar in my memory, honor, or anything else. But then again, we don't live down in
Cocoa "Awwwww yeah boyeeeeee" Beach.

Before I go, I would like to comment that apparently, at least the Ab Roller is a staple down at the Beach. My oh my, some of these cats don't skip the crunches but I am not even going to comment on the guy in the front row.

Thanks Detention Slip for sharing this tidbit.

The first 1000

This morning marks a banner day for me. Why?

Because of you.

You, the blog reader.

My blog reader.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.

I have been writing in some capacity for twenty years. The genre runs the gamut from arguments on Kafka to legal referendum, thesis to love letter, full scale novel to emails from my dog.

But the newest art form to me is that of this blog. My blog just turned 97 days old. And I am thrilled to share that yesterday, I had my 1000th visitor to my site. Including readers from as far away as France, China, Germany, Oman, Australia, and the Netherlands. Not bad odds for a tiny unknown, and I could not do it without you.

My little blog. My electronic avocation.

You are giving it traction, friends. Thank you for the fantastic emails, and the posts on FB. And you DP who asked me why in the world anyone would follow a blog. Thanks for reading.

So tonight I will pop a cork and pour you a sip. You know JohnnyMac needs one. After all, he has been updated for the past 97 days straight as to how many people have visited, especially at the beginning when I was thrilled that three people went to my site in a day. And special thanks to the Social Butterfly for the blogroll inclusion in a major media platform. You are awesome.

And since it is Cinco de Mayo, its already a built in celebratory day.

Cheers to you for you support. And here's to keeping our liquidy fete always entertaining or informative. Let's have a cocktail? But of course!

A real downward facing dog?

What might this be, you ask. Do you see the yoga mat? And the gentle stretching of the dog's limb? Yes, you are seeing correctly. This is doggie yoga. Traditionally, a physical and mental discipline enjoyed by millions of people, I can not assert I was even aware canines enjoyed the practice as well. Oh wait, I am not sure if that little face above shows a tranquility and etherealness. And while this dog may just be in a zen space, I would wager that a stroll at the park or perhaps a doggie ice cream would produce a purer sense (and demonstration )of joy. This little face seems to ask, "ummm, what did I do?"

While it may be the truest form of downward facing dog, I have to applaud this doggie for even tolerating it. I wonder if a dog has such stress that doggie yoga is an actual and possible relief? I tried a doggie yoga pose on Nixon once, and let's just say, I am lucky I didn't wake up to a puddle in my slipper.

There were numerous other dogs in this class too. Including some taking a big snooze. Peaceful canine chakra? Love it. Getting your "doggie yoga" certification? Who knew such a career existed.

And if it works to bring peace and harmonious hearts to man's best friend, there are a few yappers in my neighborhood that should start immediately.