You and all your honking

One balmy afternoon, I was in the car with my Mom chatting away en route to lunch when a car pulled unexpectedly and aggressively in front of us. Next thing I know I hear several blasts of the car horn and a splash of inappropriate language. After taking it all in, I looked, wide-eyed at my Mom. She is suddenly and momentarily speechless.

And then I say "Mmm, sorry. For that little outburst."

I had lived in Atlanta only about six months at this time. My Mom was unaware I was becoming quite savvy regarding Atlanta traffic. And clearly well-versed in it too. Atlanta, where the morning or evening commute can take longer than it takes bring a child to term, has a way of taking a nice young lady who would not think of honking and swearing at cars into Lady Rage of the Roadway. I have endured some painful traffic experiences over the past decade. However, I am more crafty now. It helps we live in the city and I now work ten minutes away, we use back roads to many destinations including MiniMac's school and we know how to time it right (usually) to avoid the highest volume and worst scenario traffic whenever possible.

But the early and long exposure to it produced a very bad result. I am a chronic honker. I admit it. And it is not like I do it because someone asked me to honk if I love Jesus either. I am a honker. And no longer a dainty "oh, pardon me, Miss..." style honker either. More like: ARE YOU _________ KIDDING ME style like I should be penning lyrics for Eminem.

Me and all my honking. It is a weakness. I confess. Oh, and I already know it is not exactly nice. But isn't it necessary at times? Even a little bit?And it is not like I honk at every car or driver. Only the a-holes. But, oh, there are plenty.

Now, before I go further, let me clarify I am a portal of patience and kindness when MiniMac is in the car with me. In fact, many of you may recall that when MiniMac was about 18 month old, I honked at a car coming out of a blind driveway so they could proceed out of that driveway safely. Like Pavlov's dog, my tiny son heard the horn and said firmly, "Move IDIOT."  Yes, I know it could be worse. My husband, ahem, told me that already. Why? Because he is the one who taught our son this horn + unpleasantries combinatinon. So I had to do spin control and spent the next several car trips teaching my son that when we honk, we say, "HI FRIENDS!" Really, I do not want to say "HI FRIENDS" but I also don't want to hear my son come home, or worse, go to his Grandparents and repeat things that sound like he went to Andrew Dice Clay Training Camp for D-bags.

However, when my son is not in the car, oh my. I somehow think the horn has become my bugle of consciousness. An instant "You are a terrible driver" song note. But unfortunately, it is also like a call for a duel. Not only is traffic here worse than gang initiation, you will also see the following pattern. Driver 1 is a dumbarse and pulls in front of you or cuts you off. You honk. Driver 1 flips you off or yells something not so innocent or kind and involving you doing dirty things to yourself. No peace is restored. No conflict is resolved. And Driver 1 speeds off with her "My son is an honor roll student at Sunnyside Elementary" sticker blazing in the sun. Really.

So today, I was driving home and a woman, on her cell phone, because she is sooooooooooooooo busy, pulled in front of me as I was going through an intersection. She had a red light which means DO NOT do that. But it happened. I was tempted to honk. But then I finally realized a horn honk only works for mating geese. It does not deter fools from being foolish. And peace is not restored. And conflict is not resolved.

So I was a big girl. And I didn't honk. And then I wanted to say WOW, what a grown up I am. And then toot my own horn. Which would have required honking. And would have defeated the purpose of the first drill. Instead, I turned the volume up louder and the situation passed. I thought, no need to get surly and honk when I can simply listen to Vanilla Ice sing Ice Ice Baby. Because admit it, MANY of you still know (and sing) every word to that song when you hear it. I am not the only one. So I sang  to the extreme I rock a mike like a vandal. Thankfully Eye of the Tiger was not playing or who knows what might have happened.

So I now resolve to stop honking the horn at others. Except of course, to say "Hi Friends" when I truly mean it. I will let you know my profess after Friday traffic sinks in starting at about 2 pm.  But I better plan ahead and put Ice Ice Baby on a loop. Happy driving. Friends!

You're so busted, you don't even know.

Driving with a little person in the car requires certain adjustments from our perspective. He is only two but any of you who have been in proximity of a two year old are aware that you better read yourself your Miranda rights every time you are around them. Anything you say, can and will be repeated. And possibly used against you.

Example 1: Just before Little Man turned 2, he and I were driving home from school. I honked my horn to let another car back out of a blind driveway. As Pavlovian as can be, as soon as my son heard the horn, he said "MOVE ID-I-OT. "

Hmmmm. Idiot is not typically on my vocab list but it didn't take Indiana Jones to solve this mystery. I know which adult in our home may have honked a horn and said "Move idiot" a time or two on his commutes with our child.

I told our son that actually, when we honk the horn, we say HI FRIENDS. And this is what we practiced. The entire way home.

When I talked to JohnnyMac about it later, he confirmed the statement as being one that is none too nice from the mouth of a 20 month old but also asserted it could have been much, much worse. Oh goody, a social experiment in cross-canceling. Excellent work, DADDY.

When I told my BFF, MarciaGarcia, her response was identical to JohnnyMac's. It could have been worse. Philosophy from another person not afraid to say the F word.

And even now, honk that horn, our little man will be the first to say HI FRIENDS. My theory has worked beautifully. Until I forget. Employ a more salty word. And get reminded by my toddler of the proper word choice. Its coming. I know it is.

Example 2: A week ago, a police car and a fire truck passed us, sirens fully engaged. Our son told me he doesn't like that sound. I have explained before the purpose (in a general sense) of fire trucks and aid cars so he will not be afraid of them. When a second police car passed, the following occurred:

Him: I saw that policeman yesterday.
Me: You saw the police man or the police car?
Him: No, I saw that police man in that car. I talked to him.
Me: You saw him or you actually talked to him.
Him: I said hi to him but he talked to Daddy.
Me: Oh, I am ALL ears Little Man.
Him: He said hi to me and I told him I watch Jimmy Buffett. (on DVD, in Daddy's SUV)
Me: Oh, did you?
Him: Yes, while he talked to Daddy some more.

Later, I ask JohnnyMac if he got pulled over the day before. He looks at me with the slightest mixture of awe and WTF. He says, "Hmmm, yes."

Oh babe, your son narc'ed on you.

Excellent.

Let that serve as a lesson to both of us.