Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Not my idea of sex education

A week or two ago, buckling my belt on a flight from Dallas to Atlanta, I listened somewhat inattentively to the standard announcements by the flight crew except for the portion of the program when the lead flight attendant said, "We have rectums located throughout the cabin."

Me: HAHAHAHA. Wait, what?

The man next to me and I started laughing like little children. The flight attendant was shaken only for a beat or two and then kept right on reciting without laughing a bit. You know she wanted a sip of vodka to follow since, well, she just said rectums and it was Friday afternoon after all.  And I assure you I was not laughing AT her as much as I was laughing with her because really, missteps can occur at any time.

A few days earlier, I came downstairs dressed to go out with JMac and Mini looked at me and said, "I like your bumps." No son, you don't like my bumps. You might like bumps but you shall not like MY bumps. 

Then over this past weekend, my tiny, precious son found a note his Daddy left for me and well, the note didn't say, "I would like to take you to the magic forest so we can chase unicorns, light candles and listen to fairies play little harps and tiny bells." The note did however reference some other things and none of them I wanted to discuss with our aforementioned tiny, precious son.

No, hold the horn. I am not going to get into all kinds of sultry details but let us suppose JohnnyMac believes I've got the Boom Boom Pow. And let's suppose that yes, in fact, I still got it. Now suppose he shared his thoughts with me in this regard on a piece of paper. We can all conclude the note would most certainly NOT contain references to unicorns, candles or little harps and tiny bells. I am quite certain none of you want to know all about the mega love between JMac and I but I cant really tell the story without a little reveal.

Warning: I am not about to get all Patty Penthouse on you but if you just woke up or are just trying to enjoy your morning smoothie, maybe come and visit me later? For the rest of you steely lot, move on ahead. 

I had yet to realize but quickly learned MiniMac had come across the note when in his tiny, precious voice he asked me, "Mommy, what is a blow___.

Me: (straight faced) I don't know. (Neck = cold. Spine = tingling.)

Him: I found it on this note. That is funny. (He then reads the note to me word for word. Small hallelujah: JohnnyMac isnt verbose in this verboten note. However, tiny court reporter is reading back ALL the facts. I must play it cool.)

Me: Hmmm, I have not read that note. (Even though I had and ^($(&@^)_(@@ why was that not hidden????)

Him: Do you know what it means?

Me: Oh, I have never heard of that. I don't think that is a note for me.
Him: Who else would it be for?
Me: Maybe a neighbor. Or the garbage.
Him: What? That makes no sense.
My thought: OK Jim Rockford, let us let this mystery fade without resolution!!!
Him: Blow____. Is that like bubbles?
Me: It is not even a real thing, buddy. (Oh boy.)
He gave me a quick look. I took my index finger and pretended to tap something.
He laughed and asked, "What is that for?"
Me: That is me unsubscribing to this conversation.

Followed by a text to MiniMac's Daddy with a big TA DA followed by BRAVO Dirty McGee. I mean, it is super cool that after many, many years of marriage, JMac and I still have all the sass and sizzle but really. REALLY?  Did I have the opportunity to educate my child? Not the way I see it.  Sex education for my son will be about body parts and animals that start with B. It took me a month to convince MiniMac its 'nipples' and not 'nibbles" and for him to understand I can't exactly follow his command and just 'get a penis like me and Daddy!" A note my son accidentally finds and subsequently shares with me in his curious fashion is NOT my idea of sex education. And thankfully I did not mock the poor flight attendant because as previously stated, missteps can occur at any time.

Although, given a choice, I would prefer to say rectums in front of 150 strangers and 4 colleagues than to have my son read a spicy note penned by his Daddy for my eyes only.

If neither of these scenarios have taken place in your day, you should give yourself some applause.


Ed said...

Kids are hilarious and will always keep you on your toes.

It's even worse when they have learned about the birds & the bees, and are now little perverts who see enuendo in every innocent conversation. It's almost like you have to relearn how to talk, because you have to rethink everything you say before you say it, just to make sure they can't misconstrue it.

Jenn @ You know... that Blog? said...

Holy smokes... hahaha!!!

Love it. Just... love it. Well played, Mom.

vanilla said...

Which is what you get for teaching the MiniMac to read in the first place. Sort of. (I am laughing... with you.)

Jane said...

What til he asks a teacher or a neighbor, since you didn't know the answer. ((grin))

The Savage said...

For this very reason you and Mister Mac should really learn to speak in code in said messages.

You could even do a romantic dinner menu where each item on the menu becomes a private euphemism for something a little bit dirty....
When Mini-Mac reads that he'll ask why the Mister asked for a milkshake as opposed to asking what a BJ is.

K A B L O O E Y said...

If it was my kid who found the note, the teacher would be told in front of the whole class. So there's that.