Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dear Cat, you suck.

Ok, easy does it Cat People...I am only joking. Or not a bit. Ok, slightly joking only.

I inherited a cat when JMac and I got married. Well, two cats. Or 2.5 since his brother's cat was "just staying there briefly" which meant his brother had no intention of ever picking that cat up again.
 When I first met Dakota and her brother Darby I thought they were siblings the way you think that Dennis and Randy Quaid are actually siblings. As in, there is NO way these two are related.

Dakota is a long-haired Persian blend. Darby was a short and stout tabby cat. Yes they are siblings. Apparently cat mommies can roll like that and make babies with multiple different dads at the same time. Its like the NBA of the feline world.  So you have one small and sleek cat with white hair and blue eyes and then you have Darby. And by short and stout, I mean to imply that Darby was very short legged but very stout in the body. Kind of like a keg. Or a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. But where Darby was a giant sweetheart (literally, 17 pounds worth of sweetheart) Dakota was a hissy pissy betch. Like, "Hey kitty cat." And she would respond with  a hiss that sounded more like an angry conversation in Russian.

Well, we had to acclimate the house to be one big Brady-esque bunch with a dog and two cats. You know my sassy whippersnapper of a boxer, Nixon, wanted to play all kinds of games with those cats ranging from chase to wrestlemania. Darby, just like a Kardashian sister, laid there proclaiming do what me with you will. Dakota gave that dog, who outweighed her by 50 pounds, one look that proclaimed, "One step closer, and I will cut you."

Dakota became nicer to me on the very day that Nixon passed away. She sauntered up to me on the couch with a delicate rub against my leg. And then hopped up and sat right next to me. Not ON me mind you, she had her limits, but she has never hissed at me again. She still hisses. Mostly in people's faces like JohnnyMac's sisters. But I am clearly no longer on her shat list. 

And then she had to acclimate to MiniMac. MiniMac was instantly committed to their developing friendship. She was not aware they had a developing friendship.  At first she would basically flee from any room in which he was present. But slowly over time, she began to tolerate. And now, in fact allow all kinds of cuddles and pets. He actually kissed her on her head this week. I thought, "Protect your face, son!" But she just purred.

But she is old. 17 years old now. And she has become downright friendly over the past five years. Especially to me. Particularly to me. And even though I do prefer friendly cat over betchy cat, we don't see eye to eye on several things:

1. Her sound. Why the painfully loud meow? Most cats meow like this: Meow meow. She meows like this: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWW. And why does this air raid siren sound only come out of her mouth at 5 or 6 am?  I once sharply said to her, " BE QUIET " to which my tiny child responded from his own room,  "She is only a kitty, Mommy! She doesn't even know what be quiet means." Oh, got yourself an ally did you Dakota? Good. Now shut the H up.

2. The hair. I know you get a haircut every summer. You need it. There are so many piles of your long cat hair around this house that I could easily knit a Rupunzel escape braid and tether it to our 3rd floor balcony. I think you should have a haircut year round. Oh, you are one spitfire when you come back from the groomer. So what. I don't see you when I am at work which is plenty of time for you to work it out of your system.

3. You leak. Maybe it is just because you are old but WOW you seem to leak. Is it your mouth? Your eyes? Are you drooling over the delicious blackened tilapia I make? That is quite flattering actually. Lets make an arrangement shall we? Can you just leak and drool on the towel I put on the club chair for you? No, of course you can't. You can't bother yourself to sit on ANY towel. Or sheet. Or blanket. Except my favorite blanket from Nordstrom that you ruined. Why is your favorite place to sit and lay and leak my suede couches? Why why why? You know where those couches did NOT come from? The FREE bin. I had them cleaned. They looked spectacular. For three days. Thanks Faucet Cat. Maybe I need to wrap a towel around your neck.

4. Our relationship. Why did you have to get under my skin? You have turned out to be rather sweet. When MiniMac and I left for Seattle, JohnnyMac said you sat IN his room and cried for two days. Awwwww. You do have a sweet heart inside you too. SO maybe you suck because I didn't want to like you. I don't want to be a cat person. I like dogs. Bigger the better. Dogs play. Dogs wiggle. Dogs love. Cats MEEEEOWWWWWWW so you put a piece of food in their mouths. Dogs walk their happy wiggling tails over to their food bowl and help themselves.

But as you sat next to MiniMac's chair this morining (before you hopped up on my couch to sleep, shed and leak) maybe you won me over. Just a little. Dang you. I can assure you I will never be the lady with 40 cats but there is room around here for 1 little Dakota (provided you keep that haircut).

15 comments:

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

:) You made miss my 25lb kitty again. She was all attitude, and hated every child on the planet until the Teen arrived. She attached herself to that wee baby for the rest of her life (2 years, as she was pretty ancient already when the Teen was born). I'm a dog person too, but cats happen, you know?

Vodka Logic said...

Granted my daughters don't have the same issues as your cats but I wonder how they have the same parents.. they are night and day.

I have two cats as well, not related but luckily different. What one doesn't "give" the other does.

the walking man said...

You're young yet. Sounds like a cat lady in the making. I suggest a large purchase of stock in the conglomerate that makes cat food and gives stock holders large discounts on large purchases of product instead of dividends because cat peop;e are crazy like that.

Kristy said...

That may have been one of the most precious tributes to a pet I've seen! Makes me think of my precious Gweniviere. She is not around anymore. She leaked too. It takes some crazy kind of love to love a leaking cat.

Pricilla said...

Cats are like that....they get under your skin. Sometimes literally.

My husband was always a dog person. Hated cats. We now have four. Have had up to 17 when we were taking care of abandoned kittens. He swears we built the vets new building when I was trapping and fixing feral females.

All my life I had all colors of cats but orange. I ALWAYS wanted an orange cat.

One day a few months after I had lost my Fred here comes my cat hating husband with a carrier. Inside of which is the cutest little orange kitten. He had gone to the shelter....

It was the most romantic gift in 30 years of marriage.

You'll find they do that to you. And Siamese cats are known for their meows

vanilla said...

"...the NBA of the feline world."

Well...

mandatorybloghere said...

How funny I just posted my blog which is bitching erm I mean where as I mentioned my cat and noticed my link to your blog and your cat...you are so funny!

Brian Miller said...

smiles...glad the cat won you over a bit...we just got a 4 week old kitten for our boys...they have a way of getting you to love them...even when they attack you from around the corner...smiles.

Inge' said...

I also have a cat. Hubs claims he is not a cat person but, in the 20+ years we have been married, he has brought home 2 cats.

The latest one he bought for me at the shelter. I named her Taarna from Heavy Metal because you have to be a warrior to live in my house.

I have a German Shepherd that I "rescued" from my boss. Had just recently lost my Great Dane and did not want another dog. Needless to say, she has managed to get under my skin and is by far the most loyal dog I have ever owned.

Funny how the animals we say we don't want are the ones that seem to endear themselves to us.

Eva Gallant said...

Great post! Funny how they worm their way into our hearts in spite of ourselves, isn't it?

Eva Gallant said...

Funny how they worm their way into our hearts, isn't it?

Marcy said...

That was a precious tribute. And damn funny. Like a keg. NBA of the feline world. Protect your face, son! HAHAHA!

And I had not idea your feelings ran so deep for Dakota. How sweet.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

I've never really had a cat for a pet. My last JRT, Leo, is 13. I think after he is gone I may get a cat. You can leave them with food and water for a few days and they are fine. Dogs you can't.

Amish Stories said...

I was passing through different blogs and thought id just say hello. Richard from the Amish community of Lebanon,Pa.

Maria said...

Feline NBA? You never cease to amaze me with your hilarious comparisions. I think that might be the best of all time...for now.

Don't you hate it when those pesky critters get under your skin like that...