Thursday, September 9, 2010

Into the wild

Chatting with my Dad (SD) one Saturday, we laughed about the first summer I spent in Alaska with he and my Mom, and the night he took me to one of the rowdiest bars in America to see Jimmy Buffett play. My mantra after that night: ALASKA! Into the wild! This will be crazy summer o' fun.

As mentioned before, the island in Alaska was long on ruggedness and short on college woman. After being there a few weeks, I was no longer perplexed at their renewed sense of protectiveness. The protectiveness that would be driven to extremes during my three month stint. Why, you ask? For reasons such as this:

One afternoon, while sitting in the car near the post office with my Mom, a woolly bully man with a large beard and overalls approached my Mom's SUV to say hello. She introduced us and within seconds, he leaned around her and asked me to dinner. 

Did you request a date in front of my Mom? You have a beard!!! I don't turn 19 for weeks. I stammer out a y-y-yes, I guess so. My Mom was caught between laughing at my discomfort and cringing at her own. I had been in Alaska for less than two weeks. My parents preferred a 50 foot electrical fence around me at all times that nary a man on the island could cross. Why? Not because they were not wonderful men I am sure. But because put a baby chicken in a panther den and watch what happens.

However, my Mom knew this man and considered him nice. Hence the implied permission I could go. Did I need permission? Yes. Why? Because a few other men who asked received this response from my Dad Not a chance in hell or NEVER. Later, my Mom seemed to find the earlier scenario quite delightful as she relayed it to my Dad. Turns out, my dinner date was only 25. All that rugged air and beard just made him look a touch older (by touch I mean 20 years.) My Dad knew him as well and agreed  he was a nice young man.

My Date: He picked me up at my parents house. In his jeep and toting a very large and adorable dog. Once inside the jeep, he asks if I don't have some Carhartts I could wear. I say no because at that juncture, I am unfamiliar with Carhartts. He laughs and points to his goldeny-brown one piece jumpsuit made of teflon. These are Carhartts! Ahhhh. No, I don't have those.

Then, this yellow lab, Boomer, climbs up front and begins licking his face. Boomer clambers into the small space between him and me. Doggie face pointed towards owner. Rest of doggie pointed towards me. Precious doggie then farts. Basically right in my face. Dinner date laughs and laughs and laughs. Guess why he is named Boomer?!?!?!?! Now you know.

Is this a good time to remind or refresh that I am not in the "fart joke = hahaha" club. Several people in my family are on the Board of Directors of such club. I am the one picketing outside. I subscribe more to the theory of "if it originated in an orifice, it might not be that funny." So as I am now squeamishly uncomfortable in this small fart-laden space with a gassy pet and a cackling dog owner. I take little comfort knowing my Mom will laugh hysterically at this anecdote.

At dinner, we struggle with conversation. I believe I can chatter with anyone. Not tonight. He asks of my post-college plans. I indicate law school is my focus. He then tells me I would like his brother, who is going to Princeton. Way to sell yourself! But his brother wants to be an attorney too. His brother does not own Carhartts either. This conversation flows like mud through a straw. On the drive home, I am treated to an additional blast by Boomer.

He was very nice but there was really no need for goodnight kisses.  

I change my previous mantra to: ALASKA! Not the wild I had in mind! This will be crazy summer o' fun except when on a date and a man's dog farted. In your face. When is summer over????

Upon relaying the story to my parents, the portion involving Boomer being their favorite, my Dad exclaims enthusiastically, "Good! And I will suggest NO more dates! But, perhaps you should get his brother's phone number."

36 comments:

leigh said...

This is a hilarious post. I love the image of you picketing your parents' "farts are funny" club. Genius!

Kat said...

This was hysterical. I'm laughing out loud at your dad's reaction to most of the date requests. As DH would say, "not just no, but Hell No!". We did have a friend offer to lend us a shotgun that DH could conspicuously clean when dates came to pick Cait up. Didn't take him up on the offer, but we seriously considered it :) Kat

Simply Suthern said...

Just think if he was the cream of the crop how bad the next date would have turned out.

KaelaQLC said...

[Sigh] The kind of date whose sole purpose is to provide you with a story to tell. I hated the whole dating thing before I met Diz, but reading this makes me wish I had done it a teensy bit more just to collect a few more stories!

KaelaQLC said...

[Sigh] The kind of date whose sole purpose is to provide you with a story to tell. I hated the whole dating thing before I met Diz, but reading this makes me wish I had done it a teensy bit more just to collect a few more stories!

Eva Gallant said...

You did well to survive that date. It would have been over for me at the dog fart! lol

The Boob Nazi said...

I still don't know what Carhartts are, even though you gave an explanation.

TKW said...

He brought a farting dog on his date? Niiiiice. I'm laughing, though.

Lady Fromage said...

So funny! I recently did a post like this on my blog as well. So glad to be out of the dating scene... So glad.

-Lady Fromage
http://ladyfromage.blogspot.com/

SoccerMom said...

Wow that is one heck of a date.

Of course alaska would not be my first thought of places to go for a rockin good time.

but thats cause I am a warm weather kinda girl.

AmyLK said...

Very redneck of him to bring the farting dog on the date!

Kristina P. said...

My husband's DAD farted many time during our first meeting at their house, and blamed it on the dog.

Also, I think all my single friends need to move to Alaska. Arent' there like 137 men to 1 woman?

Molly Malone said...

Hahahahaaa! Gold! I have never had a dog fart in my face on a date, but... I went on a date with a guy and we met at the dog beach. My rat-terrier humped the life out of his ankle for about 10 minutes straight... cripplingly embarrassing...

Vivienne said...

Agh. I have 4 boys, a husband AND a dog. Guess who is the lone picketer at my house?

Pricilla said...

Dads are never fools

SmartBear said...

But....what did you need the Carharts FOR? Was he going to take you out to hunt down dinner? My word....
Best,
Tina

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Laughing and laughing and laughing. Also reaffirms why I own a CAT.

Allyson & Jere said...

That story is AWESOME! And really, this guy sounds like he's right out of central casting for any movie made in Alaska, on lifetime. Or at least Northern Exposure.

Glad you survived the farting dog. I'm afraid I'm totally in the immature, farts are funny category. Can we still be friends?

shortmama said...

I only think farts are funny when my daughter farts on my hubs lap...I just cant help but crack up!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Live and learn! ; )

A brother and his neighbor recently stopped by the house. Days later, bro said, "(neighbor) likes you. He wanted to know if you're single."

I asked, "Did you tell him about my man?"

He said, "I did. He asked if you were married (I wear a diamond ring on my left ring finger). I said you weren't."

I said, "Ewww! How old is he, anyway?"

Bro replied, "61."

I said, "He sounds creepy...and you can tell him I said so."

I told my man the story and he asked, "Want me to beat the guy up?"

He was jealous! Of a paunchy 61 y.o.!

Caty said...

I will picket with you! You are an endless bank of hilarious stories. thanks for another laugh to end my exhausting evening :)

Emily said...

hahahaha! I can't believe you said yes to the date! ;) Or stuck with it after the fart incident...I'm pretty sure I would have claimed nausea (which wouldn't be a stretch) and asked to be taken home. ;)

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

hahaha! I'm with you Jen - not a fan of anything that originates in an orifice.

ShaMoo(from my blog and www.brain-fart.com too)'s husband brought home only one piece of farm equipment when his father retired from farming out west, for the sole purpose of warding off potential/future suitors for their daughter (who is only 2 atm): a set of bull castrators.

I daresay they'll have an even bigger influence than a shotgun ;)

Herding Cats said...

You mean there wasn't a 2nd date? Gee, I wonder why?

Maria said...

Good Lord! Sounds like the date from hell! And a farty dog to boot...Wonder what happened to that winner and if he is collecting Social Security because of his "rugged" good looks...Quite a catch!

Slamdunk said...

When mom did not object to the date approach and request, you should have known something was wrong.

Yea for mom and her righting a few of the challenges you gave her in your youth.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

The beard would've been the first sign of a "heck no, she's not going on a date with you" answer from your parents. Another lesson learned...never name your dog Boomer.

carma said...

talk about polar opposites..."you might like my brother" LOL - wonder if he puts that on his online dating profile too :D

secret agent woman said...

Yup, that would have killed it for me Well, that and the jumpsuit.

(I actually have instituted a no fart joke rule in my household, since i have two sons. They understand that I do NOT find those jokes amusing.)

Vodka Logic said...

eww and who brings a dog on a date??

Kristy said...

Hey, girl, I've given you the Prolific Blogger award at my site - come get it - it will be up in a few minutes!

Melissa B. said...

You're a funny gal...and I will be trying that muffin recipe pronto!

DaisyGal said...

I am NOT a member of that club either, since when it is funny to fart...not even my very cute toddler twins can make that funny. :)

but the story was hilarious!!!! you can TELL a story girlfriend. ;)

Intense Guy said...

So, you are saying the dog, on the first date kissed you sloppy and suggested doing "it" anal.

Yum... I've had worse dates - but let's not start any contests. :)

Mighty M said...

I was waiting for you to tell us you ended up marrying the brother!

I do remember your Jimmy Buffet post - isn't that the one where you tried to order some sort of wonderful cocktail and got told that you could have, well, beer? :)

HalfAsstic.com said...

Best post I've read in ages! I laughed my butt off! I would say I accidentally farted while doing so, only I don't condone fart jokes... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Love you, Jenny Mac!