Let's get something straight

I think it long past the time to ask this question but here goes: Why all the sh*t talk about me? It is bad enough I constantly hear how I am the least favorite but do people have to put it on a bumper sticker and slap it on the car? Why point out my flaws (when clearly, no one told you that bumper stickers are not cool anymore!) And why would someone pen a song about me in which the title includes Manic? Good job girls, hope you enjoyed that one album you had that did well in your very short careers.  Am I not a fresh start? Am I not a clean break? An opportunity to begin anew? I think if you consider it for a minute, I am actually the best of the bunch. Let me explain.

First, there is Tuesday. Tuesday is, well, zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, I fell asleep contemplating Tuesday’s good qualities and there are none. Tuesday rhymes with Snoozeday. It is no coincidence.

And Wednesday? Self proclaimed Hump Day? Really? Hump Day? That is how you elect to be known? Oh no, I get it. You are the proverbial “climbing over the hill” day. But you couldn’t call yourself ClimbingOverHillday could you? No, you had to go with Hump. Because you are dirty. And you wanted to be the favorite day of fraternity boys far and wide. Oh and by the way, why not call yourself FalseAdvertising Day? I have experienced many a Wednesday and trust me, there is no humping.

And Thursday? Well, Thursday thinks it is “Let’s Get This Party Started” day. This has double meaning.  What you call  “Let’s Get This Party Started” day is what bosses worldwide call “Absolutely NO _________ Productivity day. The weekend begins on Saturday NOT Thursday but someone didn’t tell Thursday that. Thursday loves itself because it is full of liquid lunches and evening cocktail parties. Aren’t we just the center of attention, Thursday!

And Friday? Oh, aren’t you everyone’s favorite. Let’s all sing it together THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY. You might as well make it part of the weekend because people come in late and leave early.  Business people love you because they know their work day ends at 4 pm when happy hour begins. Business people also grumble they get more productivity on Thursday when there is ABSOLUTELY NO _________ PRODUCTIVITY that day because Friday makes Thursday look like a work horse.

And the twins: Saturday and Sunday? The precious Weekend. Right. The talk of the town. Everyone can HARDLY WAIT to discuss all their joyous plans for the weekend. What are you doing this weekend? Where are you going this weekend? I can’t wait for this weekend. I love the weekend. Enough already. Let’s break it down:

Saturday? Oh, chock full of breakfast in bed, sporting events, weddings, time to take the boat to the lake, movie matinees, pool parties, housewarming parties, engagement parties, parties to celebrate having parties. Why don’t you call it by its real name. Not Saturday but FATurday. Eat up!!! SOOOO good. And mmmmm, I guess those 12 beers during the game don’t count. Oh, you might have mowed the lawn but guess what!? That doesn’t put a dent in the 2000 calorie liquid libations you enjoyed or the pile of pancakes, hotdogs, ravioli, buttered popcorn, pizza and onion rings you chomped today.

Sunday? Sabbath? Yes. Day of rest? For many.  But let’s be honest. Sunday is split personality. When you are 24 (or hungover) it is CantQuiteGetOfftheCouchday. While you are all cozied up on that couch under your snuggie, let me ask you a question: Plan on doing anything productive today? And answering the door for the pizza man is not productive. Oh, and to that guy on the couch who fell asleep with a chicken soft taco supreme in your hand and dreaming Yo quiero Taco Bell, I have one question for you too: You just had to have that TEQUILA last night, didn't you? Now it hurts to even get up and use the restroom.  Have fun in your underwear all day, you won't move until tomorrow morning. 

When you  are older, Sunday is Choreday. All the things you did not do Saturday because all your fun and play just kept piling up so now you have a list of to do's longer than your hallway.  Grocery store? Its packed but have a good time. Gardening? Weeds don’t pull themselves.  Change the oil? GOOD TIMES.  And errands upon errands? You make it count.  And long drive back from wherever you drove to when you left early on Friday? Have fun on your 9 hour road trip home. Your Sunday just got decimated.

Which leaves me. I know you are mad at me because you have too much to do every Monday because the last time you worked a full day was Wednesday and the weekend left you exhausted.  Here I come like a soothing balm to help you refresh and begin again. And what do I get? Sour faces and saltiness. Don’t blame me that you laid on that snooze button like it was a life raft. I give you fresh opportunity.

So let's get something straight: I am Monday. I promise I will be good to you. Can you please stop saying you hate me?

PS: You know who else doesn't seem to like Mondays? Blogger. I am having trouble posting comments.