What Would Shady Do

Look who's back. Back again. Shady's back. Tell a friend.

Well, perhaps he isn't the real slim shady, but he is close. Trust me.

Atlanta and other cities the world over were fortunate to have another blitz of media coverage about Michael Vick this week. Michael Vick, former QB for the Atlanta Falcons, was released from federal custody after serving 21 months in a largely publicized scandal involving dog-fighting and cruelty to animals.

He now must face the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, as well as the litany of NFL team owners and demonstrate he is fully remiss, reformed, and ready to return to the field.

Michael Vick was suspended indefinitely by Goodell two years ago. Vick finally admitted he provided the scratch for "Bad Newz Kennels" (here we go again with illiterate misspellings!!!)
And he admitted he was involved in termination of animals performing poorly in test fights. He initially denied it. Guess what? When your DAD narcs you out, good luck. His Dad said Michael started dog-fighting in their family garage. His quote "This is Mike's thing. And he knows it." You have got to be some kind of pitiful fool that your Dad turns State's witness.

NOW: Before I get all worked up to unleash a diatribe about the barbaric tendencies of ANYONE who would dog fight, or how lying leads you nowhere Mike, or how claims of ignorance to what was taking place on his property is ridiculous, or how it is amoral and unconscionable and socially abject to participate in anything like that, let's take a hard left shall we?

Michael Vick is without doubt one of the best QBs in the game. He was on the Heisman ballot as a college freshman. He has multiple NFL records. He also became the first quarterback in NFL history to tally more than four career 100-yard rushing games. His tally now of such contests is eight.

Should he be allowed to return to the NFL? Not my decision. I promise you someone will pick him up. Many a coach are vocally wary at this point but with so many struggling teams, someone will pick him up. People do often deserve second chances. And this is the NFL, not a group of gals getting together making tea cozies plotting philanthropic pursuits. In other words, the NFL has seen more arrest warrants than Hell's Kitchen. So we will likely see him suit up again.

And whether he returns to the NFL or doesn't is not my issue.

My number one issue with Michael Vick's post arrest behavior is actually becoming a behavior I now see with the same frequency in which I see sunshine in Georgia in the summertime. Constant.

After arrested, Michael Vick at a press conference said these words, "Jesus has forgiven me. Why can't you?"

Really. Jesus has forgiven you? Did he send you a text message?
I understand your ploy, I do. Who is going to argue with that seal of approval? Will this work for me:

Husband: You sold my golf clubs and bought several new pairs of Manolos?
Me (if an idiot): Jesus has forgiven me. Why can't you?

If Jesus did forgive Mike Vick, maybe He and I should chat.

Now, I am all for faith that guides people to do right. And I do believe that sometimes people find that path in desperate and dark hours. What ails me is convicts, violent criminals, and d-bags ranging from Michael Vick to Mike Tyson to Elliott Spitzer grow a deep, deep love of all things holy ironically in perfect synchronicity with being arrested, indicted, or jailed.

And I certainly assert that when Michael Vick was drowning animals in Virginia he was not asking What Would Jesus Do.

Stop doing this, amoral arseholes.

Now, we don't need to dissect the Third Commandment. Especially not here. (I would need a cocktail for that and well, that just doesn't feel right.) Whatever your interpretation is of the Third Commandment, I believe it does include restraint from using God's name in a frivolous manner.

And I vote that it be amended to disallow every little pig caught with pants down, Call Girl riding you like a Kawasaki ATV, dirty blue dress, coke addled mirror on the floorboard, addiction to oxycontin, offshore bank account, and hand on the dog collar from Twittering Baby Jesus for a little aid only after placed in shackles and just then realizing, once in prison your biscuit is going to have more weekly visits than Facebook. And suddenly you want to be forgiven.

And what better way to demonstrate you are off the hook and all is well than to claim that you and Baby Jesus are BFF now and since he forgave you, the world should too. Really?