Friday, July 27, 2012

How to hit on women

Yesterday, I was penning some thoughts on recently turning 41 and not only what still lies ahead but the simple reality I could be at the half way point of my life. I had a great window of time to think about the highlights of my life and some important lessons learned. Oh, the fact you get to turn another year older is a gift not everyone receives.

Last night when walking down the street in NYC, we passed in front of two gentlemen. I received the following compliment from one of them:

I would tear your middle-aged *ss UP. Ugggh.

I actually do not know how you hit on women but I do have some thoughts on how you do NOT hit on women. And ironically, as I was reminiscing on past and present I can assure you, I have never heard such a statement. Clearly, there are many, many unsavory aspects of this comment.

First, thank you for noticing me. OOOPS, I spoke to soon. Don't stand on the sidewalk and haggle women. This has nothing to do with being in NYC. This type of shenanigan occurs in every city. PS: No great relationship started with a catcall on a sidewalk except maybe a Richard Gere movie from the 80s, something currently in production with Channing Tatum, or a porn movie.

Second, the expression I would tear your *ss up sounds a little scary, Hannibal Lecter. You sound creepy. There is more than one reason no wedding vows include I promise to tear your *ss up. If you like this type of behavior Christian Grey, keep it to yourself or your actual playmate. This statement reminded me of Mike Tyson's first fight when he was released from prison. Not the image any woman correlates to love or cartoon bluebirds.

Third, please don't grunt and lick your lips when you make comments to women. Women are not like a shelf of barbequed ribs. Yikes. And really, you are giving us far too much power over you. And your ding-dong. Simmer down.

Finally, really? You had to date stamp me? Middle-aged? I just turned 41! Oh wait, I am actually middle-aged. Good for you for gauging my age range. I am actually quite fine with being 41. I am hopeful more great things lie ahead. Here is a tip, most women are age-anxious. Don't guess age like a carnival barker and shout it out with glee like Rudolph. Women don't like this. But if you MUST do this, most women will prefer you round down.

My more poetic thoughts on age and aging will return after this brief interruption on this important PSA.

Have a gorgeous weekend. And behave.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I literally just LOL'd. And now I am ashamed of myself for saying LOL.

Eva Gallant said...

All too true!

GunDiva said...

Wow. I read your whole post, but I couldn't get past the whole "tear your *ass up" thing.

Just Wow.

Christine Macdonald said...

Welcome to the dirty-pervy club, where those comments seem to roll off the tongue for some.

I was once told: "Your'e so hot, I'd eat the dingleberries out of your butt".

After I picked my jaw from the floor and stop laughing, I was left thinking:

1- Was this his usual line?
2- What the F*ck is a dingleberry?
3- Someone thinks my 43 year old ass is still hot.

It's a mixed bag.

xo

@thatgalkiki

Patty Woodland said...

Hence his being on the sidewalk in NY and not home with a loving woman.....

vanilla said...

Pick-up lines have certainly changed since the day of my youth. Mine didn't work, either, but they weren't crude. Must have been me.

K A B L O O E Y said...

You met Charlie?

the walking man said...

@ Christine do you really need to know what a dingleberry is? Lets just say they figure prominently in the Charmin bath tissue with the bears commercials.

Well happy dang birthday JennyMac though it's passed by I hope that your birthday was the best day of the year just passed and the worst day of the year ahead. may you continue to thrive and be at peace with yourself and your family for all the many years that lay ahead.

Oh the comment...in Detroit it has an entirely different meaning which is fully non-sexual, but denotes a very extreme form of violence is about to happen. It is one of the sentences no one utters unless they have ass enough to cash the check their mouth just wrote.

carma said...

I was just talking with one of my friends yesterday saying "do you realize we are now MIDDLE AGED!!!" look at all the crap melanie griffith is getting over her beach photo - total criticism and people saying she should not be wearing a bikini BAH! We need to rock our middle-ageness :D

Little Ms J said...

My all time favorite pick up line was, "We would make beautiful caramel babies." I bring it up now and again to put my husband in his place and remind him that he better hold on tight. I obviously have options.

Happy Birthday. You're not middle aged. There should be no such thing. What's next? End-aged? Yea, I totally hate it. It doesn't exist.

XOXO

So. Cal. Gal said...

I met my boyfriend on an online dating site. He passed the test by NOT calling me 'baby', 'honey', or 'hot stuff'. He still doesn't call me those names. That's why he's still around.

russell.j.coller.jr said...

We are doing it wrong. Thank you & we'll put it on the agenda at the next "men who have stopped caring" work-shop.

Unknown Mami said...

You could teach this in a seminar.

I'm 41 too.

ipenka said...

I'm trying to think how in the world to clean this one up...


"I am extremely attracted to thy more than young but not quite old behind. Ugggh".


Have fun in NYC and congrats on your bday!