Tuesday, July 10, 2012

You are going to put that thing in where????

A good friend just shared she is pregnant. Good for her! The fact you will stroll around for almost one year creating a life, well, it is rather phenomenal. Pregnancy was a completely new experience for me when we found out about MiniMac. He is the first grandchild on both sides of the family so we were never even too exposed to babies. We read some books, we had an amazing OB-Gyn and Midwife. And we learned as we went. What I certainly did not know was the litany of tests, procedures, pokes and prods you would enjoy your first trimester. This is where I had no instinct and let me share one story.

Shortly after confirming my pregnancy, I needed to have a sonogram. During this first exam, the nurse advised the baby was too small to do a topical sonogram so they would have to go, well, inside. I asked her what that meant. She kind of cocked her head at me, as if to ask, really? I only meant, what would an internal sonogram entail. Remember, people, I was VERY new at this. She said I would have all my questions answered soon. In comes Mrs. Yolanda C-G. I could instantly tell she was going to be a great Baby Sensei.  Now, I can still fully confirm she was amazing and among the best medical support any first time parents could ask for (Bravo Kaiser Permanente and your fabulous trained midwives!)

So in she comes with her bright smile and personable nature. My husband instantly liked her too as she was articulate but had a sassy personality. And she had great rapport with us from this day forward. She asked me if I had a birthing plan. Birthing plan? Umm, I plan to not wear maternity clothes? I plan not to gorge myself on pizza/hotdogs/and chili and claim its "food cravings"? I plan to make my own baby food? I plan to run a 10K the following month? What is this birthing plan? So I replied, "Yes, my plan is to build the baby, and then I plan for you to take the baby out." She laughed.

Then she wheeled over a small machine but picked up some kind of implement that looked like strikingly similar to my hand blender. She informed me this would be utilized to perform the internal sonogram. I saw that it was larger than a coke can, and I cleared my throat before I told her, in a stammering and completely uncool way, "Ummm, I am not sure...." Long pause. She and JMac waited for me to continue. She politely asked, "You are not sure about?" My equally stammering reply, "Umm, I don't think I can manage that, I mean, my body hasn't really changed yet. And while I fully understand ultimately a baby will be coming through this sector, frankly that seems...well....very large."

She looks at me. She tilts her head and then looks at JohnnyMac. She moves the entire machines towards me  and leans in to whisper, "This is the handle." She then removes the devices to show a teeny tiny probe about the size of a pencil.  "This," she references the probe, "is the actual instrument we use to do the internal portion of the sonogram."

I simply say, "OH. That seems better." And the she completely laughs out loud before asking JohnnyMac "Is she always like this?"

JMac replies, "Everyday."

"You two are going to be my favorites, I can tell."

Thankfully she saw the humor in my naivete. And this is precisely why I did not need to have a birthing plan.

11 comments:

A Daft Scots Lass said...

This was the sweetest story I've read in a long time. It so adorable.

undomestic chica said...

That's hilarious. My OB was a man, and he made me insert the sonogram thing in myself before he took over. How awkward was that?!

KatiePerk said...

This is awesome. I had the same thoughts when they whipped that out!!

Eva Gallant said...

great story!

So. Cal. Gal said...

That's cute! I've had multiple procedures/surgeries and I still ask the stupidest questions. It's better to look like a fool than to get an unpleasant surprise. lol!

vanilla said...

That is a share-worthy story. Still laughing. With you, you understand.

Angel Shrout said...

bwhahahaha I'm sorry that is so sweet and funny at the same time...

the walking man said...

I too had a birthing plan. I planned to be in the damn waiting room where a normal old school male belongs.

BUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT OH no they had to just at that time 30 years ago start to extoll the wonders of birthing centers and natural child birth and all that holistic mess some female came up with as revenge on the male factor (get it malefactor)?

Of course my wife at the time just knew I wanted to be there for the entire 984 hours of labor and delivery, not once but twice. I unfortunately was not naive about the process of birth in an intellectual way. I knew where my place was and it wasn't in that room where I found myself.

All I can report is I am glad I am not one of those 54 children Catholic families, twice is enough revenge to mete out on any man.

Scarred for life I tell ya!

Christine Macdonald said...

LOVE your style. xo

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well this must be the last time I eat while reading about your exploits, woman. That was hilarious. My tasty mexican bean burger was spat viciously across the room when I choked from guffawing at the "that's the handle" thing. Hahahaha. I might wake myself up laughing in the night from that. Well done dude.

Jonni Baloney said...

Been there but didn't ask the question. Too funny!