Friday, September 30, 2011

Not very ladylike...

Who doesn't love a great cocktail? Well, a few people I am sure but years ago I was introduced to a fancy white elixir...the White Chocolate Martini. This temptress, so perfect and chic, is also what I like to call "Devil in Disguise." I have a little story about to hear it? Here it goes:

One night out at a fancy fete, I am offered this white chocolate martini option. I resist because, unlike Willie Wonka, I am not down with the candy factory and that doesn't sound like a cocktail as much as it sounds like some kind of milkshake served at Chili's. But I am assured it is fantastic. I reluctantly take one sip.


It is fantastic. I enjoyed one or two and soon realize I need not be limited to where I can have this delicious concoction so I ask the bartender what is in it. In the weeks to come, I fetch the ingredients and proceed to make them to the delight of many a guest at parties at my home.

So one night, while fraternizing with a male guest at my home. I proceed to make these for him. Things to keep in mind 1. he is a man and not likely interested in smarmy choco drink. 2. Might want to test drive that martini shaker you just bought.

So let's assume I failed on both accounts. What happens next is I show off shaking my martini shaker full of girl drink. So I shake it to the left, I shake it to the right, I shake that little martini with all of my might. Martini shaker I did NOT test drive. Martini shaker that was on sale for a reason. Martini lid is not being securely held by me because I am more focused on 1. showing off and 2. playing coquettish Flirty McSwagger.

In mid strong arm shaking, lid flies off like a missile to my right. Followed by a clear trajectory of contents of martini shaker that are intercepted by my male friend and his crisp button-down shirt. Not a drop or two mind of you. But the entire contents of martini shaker.

Mission to be stunning and foxy and worldly? Try again. Survey says: Not very ladylike...AND that's what you get for showing off.

Fast forward a year. I  am dating a fun, fantastic, hilarious cat nicknamed Milkman. Milkman has a very cool brother who has a very cool girlfriend. We convene one night for dinner at said brother's home and I proffer up the delicious martini I know to be a hit among at least one other attendee (the girl.)

The drawback of a martini that basically includes white chocolate liqueur and vodka is that is it DELICIOUS. Like a sultry little balm for that terribly busy day. So we make martinis. And more martinis. Oh, might want to eat a little something. Oh, no? Just thirsty? Well, slow down Missy. But that doesn't happen. At one point, I aim to set my drink down on the table and somehow miss it completely. I say I aimed to do it because the table was quite large. But I blame the table since it was made of glass and was really more like an optical illusion. MY WORD that made a mess. So we clean it up. And because we have all enjoyed several cocktails, it seems very hilarious. Even though clearly, milky drink poured in carpet is about as funny as a hair barbeque.

Later, I feel rest is necessary. I decided to slink away and find a resting spot. Hmmm. Where should I go. I scuttle around and find the perfect spot. Perfect at the time. Later, Milkman clearly has to send out a search party because NO ONE thought I would be comfortably and quietly laying down in the loo. Guess what? I had foresight. I was going to need to be in that location. It was only a matter of time. I declined the invitation to leave this area. In fact, I encouraged Milkman to exit. STAT. I will skip the next part of the story but lets say I was 1. over-served. 2. Probably just had food poisoning.

Now, I straighten up. I fly right. I rejoin the cast and crew downstairs. I am fine. Well, fine-ish. I think. I am sure I was fine.

However, the next morning. Milkman's brother comes downstairs and asks a simple and innocuous question:

Why is my toothbrush wet.

No one has an answer. He asks again, clearly because he is smart: WHY IS MY TOOTHBRUSH WET?

Through a hazy film of cotton, I climb out of the bag of hammers known as my mental state and I recall very clearly. Uh oh. I think I know the answer. I carefully weigh keeping quiet vs. speaking up which is only going to make my head hurt more.

Me: I used it.
Him, his girlfriend, Milkman: WHAT?
Me: Don't worry. I didn't brush my teeth with it.
Him: Oh for ____ sake. What did you do with it?
Me: Long pause. Not for dramatics, Meryl Streep, but because I am trying to recollect.
I used the handle.
Me: To make myself throw up.
Him: Holding toothbrush by handle, immediately drops toothbrush on floor and kicks it away.

Thankfully someone laughed. I didn't have the strength to join in.

Mission: to be cool, fun, chic and a great addition to the party not to mention an awesome girlfriend: TRY AGAIN. Survey says: NOT very ladylike.

And in the event you don't need a spritz of Lysol to erase that imagery from your mind: The White Chocolate Martini (I am sure) is still delicious to many people:

Pour 2 shots of vodka
2 shots of Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur
over ice in a martini shaker. SECURE the lid!!! In the words of OutKast: Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

Pour thin swirl of chocolate syrup in martini glass, pour contents of shaker. Sip like a lady (or gentleman). Do not get over-served. Do not drop on carpet. Do not borrow toothbrushes without asking.

And have a gorgeous weekend.


Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Sound delish! I am going to the liquor store today and I think this is now on my list!

I have had evening like you describe sadly. But tonight I think I'll stay home and drink them. Have a new shaker too - i have given it a test drive and whew! it works perfectly.
Have a good weekend and THANKS!

Jen Feeny said...

Martini's, women's best friend and worst nightmare... Hilarious!

Green Monkey said...

ewwwww will NEVER have one (thanks to your extremely visual post). Not a finger but a foreign toothbrush? you clearly were NOT okay. Hope you're feeling better now. And thank you for reminding me not do mix alcohol and creamy things.

Cathy Feaster said...

hahaha...your stories crack me up...and that martini sounds way too yummy :) maybe I'll get around to serving them one day...

Unknown said...

that's a drink after my heart for sure!

Chain Stitch Crochet said...

Great story! Are you like me in the fact that once you 'get rid of' (nice way of putting it) a drink that you can't drink it again?

Thanks for the Friday laugh!

ipenka said...

Haha, when you said "Don't worry. I didn't brush my teeth with it" I was relieved.

That would have been awkward...oh wait, spoke too soon. Great story as always!

webb said...

It is known fact that if one chooses to sleep next to the porcelain pot, that is perfectly fine. It's the choice that matters.

Lauren said...

I loved this. Once upon a time, my friend dated a guy we nicknamed Milkman. And once upon another time, I had a friend pass out in a guest bathroom and no one could find her for hours.

This story made my day

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Sounds like a drink that is just too good. Makes it hard to have moderation.

Ed said...

You are so prim and proper, I can hardly believe you were a party girl.

Ok, thats a lie.

Shop Girl* said...

Hahahahha ohhh my gosh. While this mix sounds fantastic, your stories make me oh, so glad that I don't drink... haha

Urban Earthworm said...

All of that sounds too much like too many weekends I've beeth through, though I don't think I've ever had a white chocolate martini. I|ll have to try it. I tell you about the time I decided to beer bong vodka )with a touch of oj) because beer was gross. . .

vanilla said...

...and so you are giving away the recipe because you have wisely chosen to give it up.

The Savage said...

I tend to refrain from "creme" drinks. In a martini I prefer them quite classic, be it gin or be it vodka. On the other hand I used to make a pretty wicked Mudslide...

Anonymous said...

Drunk stories are the best. That is all. said...

Darling, you managed to class up tossing your cookies in the potty.
Love your stories!

Karen M. Peterson said...

Oh my gosh, that story is HILARIOUS! And yet another reason why I am always the designated driver.