Years ago, we arrived on the front-end of a party at a friend's house. Walking in, I saw another friend who laughingly told us, "I just saw Rick. He is really drunk."
"What kind of drunk?" I asked. She paused, "Ummm, the drunk kind of drunk."
My question was not that off-base. Think about it, it was approximately 7 pm. The party had started minutes before. How can anyone be drunk unless they were inhaling them via beer bong circa 1990 fraternity party style or they were working on it since early afternoon. For those of you who don't imbibe, good for you. Alcohol is a trouble-maker. However, for those of us who do imbibe, cheers to us because there are many compelling reasons to have a sip or two at night, especially when its red wine or what I like to call "daily fruits." The reality is, there are different kinds of drinking and there are different kinds of drunk as you well know. Let's review them, shall we?
1. I-am-finally-legal-to-drink-drunk: Remember this girl? And boy? Oh, you do. This is the person so excited to finally use real vs. fake id, they go big on the big night. And by 'go big' I mean, watch the f------ out. It is not that this person can finally have alcohol because you know that has been going on for years but it is the reality that the taste of wine coolers or Malibu rum drinks are completely legal. This person is easy to identify at the beginning of the night: For girls: she is the one wearing a "I'M 21" sash yelling "THIS IS MY SONG" at the beginning of every song on the jukebox. For boys: He is the one with the hat on sideways (God love you if its flat-brimmed) calling everyone 'Bro" which sounds like "Bra" and "Dude" which sounds like "Duuuuuuuuuuuuude." Later in the night this person is even easier to identify as the girls will be saying "I love youuuuuu. You are my bessssssst friendddddd forevvvvvver: (God love you if you use the word "bestie" which is one of the worst fake words in the English language and hopefully only used by 21 year olds who have been consuming wine coolers ALL night.) You want to warn them, uh oh, you are going to see something you have never witnessed before: Your hair swirling in the toilet as it hangs down both sides of your face as you hug the commode like you just hugged 1. all your friends. 2. the bartender 3. the street sweeper before you lost your shoes, your iPhone and your dignity. For the fellas, well, he will be the one with his shirt off and doing all kinds of 'dares' his less wasted friends can dream up. His warning is: Have fun waking up in someone's yard covered in Magic Marker but sans clothing hugging an orange traffic cone and an empty bag from Crystals. This boy and girl will repeat these actions many, many times before learning any valuable lessons.
2. I-love-tailgating-drunk: WOW. We love football in this house and by 'we' I mean 'Mostly JMac and increasingly MiniMac'. I love a good time but tailgating is a completely different level. Why? Because people park at 9 am and begin the bonanza of beer guzzling and hotdog scarfing. I once made the foolish mistake of agreeing to go to a tailgate party for a WVU vs. Pitt game. Any college football fans know this is a huge rivalry. We arrived at the tailgate party w/ 150 rabid WVU fans at 11 am. Oh, only 150 you say? Yes, 150 in about a 20 foot area surrounded by oh, I dont know, maybe 80,000 other nutso cukoos. I then learned the game did not actually start until 7:05 pm. Do the math. And when you are done with that you will come to the conclusion "NOT a good use of time." 8 hour tailgate? Or what I like to call "Welcome to the Shit Show." What begins as friends happy to see each other in the mandatory dress code of: Everything on your body must proudly display school colors, mascot or symbol quickly turns into: beer funneling, the school fight song bellowed louder than goats in a megaphone on repeat for at least 100 iterations and sloppy drunk men tossing the football around the parking lot which is about as smooth and graceful as watching a dog react to getting a bee sting on the tail. Oh, you jammed your finger on the ball? Right, because you are 1. drunk and 2. old and 3. out of shape and 4. drunk. It ends with fans of the home field throwing beer cans (and bottles) onto their OWN field. Because that is what highly intoxicated rabid fans do. This theory applies to many, many stadiums in both college and professional arenas. "Tailgate Party" is code word for "Free-For-All" worse than Lake Havasu at Spring Break minus the sex.
3. Wedding-drunk: Weddings are almost like the female version of Tailgating. As much as many a gal loves her tailgate party, weddings bring out the fun in the ladies. Especially if you are in the wedding party. Why? It is awesome to be a part of someone's very special day and it is basically a weekend soiree with multiple other weekends dedicated to the wedding e.g. showers, bachelorette parties, dress shopping, shoe shopping, 'something blue' shopping. We have been to many incredibly tasteful and classic weddings. We have also been to weddings where the groom was drunk at the reception and claimed (on a microphone so even 90 year old grandma could hear) "Its my wedding and I am going to get drunk (check) and I am going to get laid (ummm, keep it up and you will be getting just about nothing later. Thank your whiskey dick. ) Wedding drunk is what causes people to RACE to the dance floor to do the Macarena and exclaim with glee: MMMMmmmmberrrr when we did this on the barrrrr in Lauderdale????? I LOVE this dannnnnce! Wedding-drunk also causes people to: Do 10 minute version of the Electric Slide, participate in the Chicken Dance, the Worm or (actually AND) Breakdance. Wedding-drunk also causes groomsmen to pat your buddy's Mother in Law on the keister and light a joint at the reception. NOT WISE on either count. At least the Worm is just an embarrassing photo of you on Facebook. Wedding-drunk also produces some incredible pairings of people connecting over similar qualities and interests also known as "Liquor-based-love." Liquor-based-love starts at high school parties in odd places you would never normally go like "The Quarry" or "The Dunes" or in our case "Top of the World." Liquor-based-love abounds throughout college, trips to Vegas, and of course, weddings. The only favorable part of Wedding-Drunk is when you are merely an observer. And outside of the part where you had sex with the groom's cousin who wore a Peter Pan collar dress to the wedding, get your act together people. This is someone's special, special day.
4. Girls-or-Guys-night-out-drunk: Basically, Girls or Guys Night Out (GNO) are amongst the most fun nights out but definitely nights you pay for the next day in increasing amounts of pain and agony contingent upon your age. For ladies: GNO in your 20s: Feather boas and hot pants, dancing on the bar and jello shots. GNO in your 30's is sassy off shoulder shirts, perfect lipstick, vodka tonic and wanting to dance on the bar but instead, dancing in a circle. GNO in your 40's is sassy dresses, killer heels, red wine and shake your ass like you are in your 20's dance party. GNO almost always involves dancing. For men: GNO in your 20's involves beer, hitting on women and discussions of sports, beer and women. In your 30's it involves better beer selection, looking at women, maybe hitting on them and discussions of sports, microbrews and women. In your 40's it involves: whiskey, gin or tequila, looking at women, maybe hitting on them and discussions of sports, whiskey/gin/tequila, children (for 2 seconds as in do you still have them? Yes. Move along) and women. These nights do cause you to think your liver is as healthy and productive as the day you were born so you will often consume a few sips too many, sing as loudly as possible to songs on the jukebox especially songs like: I Love Rock and Roll, Jack and Diane, Living on a Prayer, Funky Cold Medina or Ice Ice Baby. You will know the words to these songs for life so you might as well belt them out. Your spouse loves GNO because to them GNO means randy time or what JMac calls "No Pants Party." Well, sometimes its true and sometimes a few extra sips helps you only to barely undress and fall into bed without brushing your teeth. Don't judge. But oh, the dance party portion of the evening was AWESOME.
4. I-am-only-having-one-drunk sometimes known as I-am-managing-small-children-drunk: This
version is hilarious because you came with the best intentions. You go to dinner with friends, you are only having one and uh oh, next thing you know you are all doing karaoke to PUSH IT. You planned on only one, right? This circumstance also it frequently in many a neighborhood. Typcially, on a 'school night' when
your neighbors might be outside with there kiddos and everyone says
hello and catches up and then someone brings wine and you say "no
thanks" because it is 530 pm and then they insist so, well, ok.
Then you sip that and it is tasty. So the bottle is open and
well, you may as well have another splash. You don't think are you going
down Buzz Boulevard because you clearly said only one. Right. Next
thing you know, you are home making dinner and your child says "Let's
skip vegetables at dinner tonight?" And you say GREAT IDEA. I know many,
many a Mom and Dad managing little people who opt for the "only one"
theory which rarely if ever works. The bad news is, children do not care
what time you go to bed, their little internal alarm clocks ding at the
same time every morning so have fun suffering if you go bananas. I have had one hangover in MiniMac's entire life because I learned my lesson. The hard way. And basically rocked myself to and fro on the bathroom floor petting my own head and crying. My child was far away in the house but really? No thank you. I am not sure what "I-have-surly-teenagers-drunk" looks like but I am years away from that discovery.
5. I'm-so-sad-drunk: Oh boy. This is a tricky one because it kind of goes down like this: Your friend has recently broke up with someone. As we know, break up sadness and lost pet, job, phone, dignity from your 21-run sadness are not the same types of sadness. So your friend has a break up. You decide to approach the night out in one of two ways. Either 1. Let's go get our swerve on! You are a hot commodity! This is a new lease on life! Let's help Stella get her groove back! so you get dolled up, shoes=sexy, hair=fierce and you go out to tear it up. Except whooooops, one or two glasses of Malbec later you notice the more grape juice in equals more water from the tear ducts out. So-sad-drunk is a drunk many of us know first-hand. The problem is not the sadness, it is the TALKING about the sadness over and over and over and over and over and over. (Girls, admit, you know WE love to reiterate our details. Over and over and over.) The more consumed, the more sad crying/talking that occurs until you are nasal toned and dripping from the eyes AND nose. It will get better but not this night bellied up to the bar. The other approach to the so-sad-breakup-back-in-the-saddle night out is 2, F him! You don't need him! He will RUE the DAY! This is also known as very sad AND angry drunk or very sad AND bitter drunk. Back away slowly. Here is what will happen: One or two glasses of Malbec later you notice the more grape juice in equals more water from the tear ducts out. Then that water turns to venom. Then you are telling stories about Bryan's gambling issues, affinity for kink and his small penis. The more liquor in the louder the volume on the voice box goes until everyone in the vicinity knows all about Bryan and his shortcomings. Once all the poison is out, you go back to crying and being really sad because you realllllllllllly looooooooooooved Bryaaaaaaaaaaan.
Now be good and let all of these examples be a warning to you.