Monday, January 9, 2012

Put that on your feet, sassy...

I remember buying my first pair of Louboutins. It was divine. Men, for those of you not familiar with the cult of Christian Louboutin shoes, it is kind of like getting your first fast car at age 16, only much, MUCH better. It is not the shoe itself, it is the way the shoe makes you feel. Ladies, if you don't believe me (which I know many of you already do) go to a fabulous shoe store, pick something out, put that on your feet, sassy. And then tell me how you feel.

Recently, I overheard two men at the bar. Man 1 bought his girlfriend a pair of shoes. Man 2 said, "That's crazy. I wouldn't even date a girl that obsessed with shoes. It's too superficial." This made me think of many things:

1. Because someone has shoes doesn't make them obsessed. She has to put something on her feet. This isn't Clan of the Cave Bear.
2. Awesome job Man 1 ponying up some cool shoes for your lady.
3. Hey Man 2, if you think shoes are a big deal, you have not a clue of the litany of other rituals, processes and procedures women will go through to impress you, other men, or their friends.  Enjoy the first time you discover eye-brow threading or waxing.

But, I want to share a story about a well-known theory involving women and their shoes. Yes, I am telling it again.  And zip it, you know you have a story or two you love to tell repeatedly too, smarty.

There was a young woman who lived for a shoe:

Ahhhh...who doesn't love a great pair of shoes?

Now, some of you see a pair of shoes like this and say to yourself,
Oh, those are FMPs.
Not familiar with this acronym?

Well, for the sake of public decency, let's say "Fornicate Me Pumps" and just replace Fornicate with your favorite sailor word. I think you know what I mean. The F Bomb. Yes, some people have a special code names for shoes like these. Oh, I am sure you never use that word. And I, of course,
say it often
use it so sparingly I have trouble pronouncing it at times.

But the sister to the FMP is the DFMP. As in Don't F with me pump. You have seen them, I know you know what I mean. Heels you put on to feel invincible. The ultimate power shoes. And I can't be the only one with a pair or two.

I have several pairs of shoes that immediately empower me. Oh, that's a lot of stock to put in a shoe. I know. But they do. It's like putting on Superman's Cape. And I love it. One pair are 4 inch heels I bought in Italy. I love them because they make me 5'11 and because I love where they came from. Oh, just ask me.If you say, "Wow...I love those shoes." Then I will be sure to say "THANK YOU, I bought them in Italy. " It's never lost on me that you have not necessarily asked me where they are from.

And another pair, the first time I wore them, JohnnyMac said, with a very sultry look "Those shoes are hot." My reaction? Very close to Meg Ryan in Top Gun: Take me to bed or lose me forever.

And my favorite pair of all time. A black patent open toe slide with 3.5 inch Pucci covered stacked heel...mmmmm....yum.

Oh pretty shoe, why did I wear you to that filthy dirty bar in Spain? WHY. Why did I drink all night and dance you to your near-death? WHY WHY WHY? Those shoes suffered some scars. Nothing looks good with martini splashed all over it. Not you, not your liver, and certainly not your Pucci heels. Peter Dundas would have likely maced me had he known of my transgression.

And there is no need to have fabulous shoes that make your feet hurt. Boo. Lest you are so uncomfortable you must remove them before your evening ends. And what is the point of that? I am all for barefoot and fancy free. At the beach? Barefoot reigns. Your friend's wedding? Not exactly.

A friend wore bad shoes in NYC and ended up barefoot on the street at 2 am. Catch that? Barefoot. On the streets of NYC. You may save yourself a blister but enjoy walking around in who knows what AND contracting plantar warts. Even the bar of soap shuddered and thought "I don't want to go near that mess". Ergo, keep your footwear on in sketchy places. Streets of NYC at 2 am are the epitome of sketchy.

So here's to putting something fabulous on your feet.

If clothes make the man, shoes make the girl. Don't believe me? Ask Cinderella.


brokenteepee said...

The worst part about my getting sick, almost worse than the chronic pain was my inability to wear heels. My illness came with balance problems and if I put on even the slightest of heels I fall over.

I LOVED shoes. I kept one pair of my heels so I could look at them even if I couldn't wear them any more.


Unknown said...

That was a cute post! Loved it! But I had never heard of DFMPs! You're never to old to learn something new, I guess!

Slamdunk said...

I need all the tips I can get. Thanks for dumbing this one down for us men in the audience.

Just Stuff From a Boomer said...

I wore heels for work and play for 30 years. My feet can't take anymore abuse, but I have not given up my love affair with those FMPs and her famous cousin. Now my BFF and I swap phone photos of killer shoes we spot while we are out and about.

I once wore killer 4" heels in Vegas, slipped them off under my table while watching a show and could not get my swollen feet back into them again. I then had to walk Sin City barefoot. Not a good thing.

Long may you strut those stilletos!

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

I wish I could wear heals!! I have here and there, but not often. I love it, but here's the problem. I am 6'1" WITHOUT heels. Add any more height to me, and it becomes....scary. I try to find the cutest kick-ass flats around! Leopard print, pointy toe, etc. Just because a girl is stuck in flats doesn't mean she can't wear the hottest flats around, right?! :)

Unknown said...

put it as part of the resolution. ho ho

webb said...

One of the worst things about aging is that you lose the padding in your feet - seriously! High heels ain't what they used to be, but that doesn't mean a girl doesn't still love them! Mine are just more like "Treat me Nice Pumps" these days...

Anonymous said...

If clothes make the man, shoes make the girl. AMEN, sister! I wear heels almost every day to work. Lots of people around here think I'm crazy for wearing 3-4 inch heels, but I'd feel naked without them. I have FMPs and ass-kicking heels. I also have quite a pair of hooker boots. I don't wear them too often. They're more for short periods of standing. They KILL! However, they are way too hot to get rid of. :)

the walking man said...

Absolutely right work clothes, blue jeans and T shirts I got for free to promote someones product made me everything I am today.

My wife has a shoe fetish too, or at least i think she does,. It's either a great love of shoe boxes or she is hording cash in those hundreds of boxes she has peppered throughout the house in every closet, under every bed and a special room with a locked door.

I am cool with the shoes as long as i don't have to go shopping with or for them. And yes little miss smarty shoes I do know her shoe size.

injaynesworld said...

I think the shoes out today are the cutest I've ever seen in my several decades on this planet. I just wish they'd been out when I was younger and had someplace to actually wear the damn things. These days life is mostly on horseback and I'm not sure you could put a pair of spurs on a pair of Louboutins.

Unknown said...

I'm with Eva. Learned some new lingo here tonight. I have had my fav shoes blown off my feet in a typhoon and lost forever. My dog chewed/destroyed my next fav, brand new, leopard print heels, and I lost a BEST pair somewhere. Shoes and girls just go together, have a special connection men will never understand. Loved this post! Rock on Lady in Heels!

SmartBear said...

Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on right now? Shoe porn? I have a pair I wear to work that make me feel like I can kick ass and a pair I wear on date night that make me feel like a bombshell. The power of a shoe. Love it.

Chain Stitch Crochet said...

Love this story! I haven't been able to wear FMP's for a long time. Bought a pair not long ago...because I wanted to. Wore them I have to give them to someone else because I can't wear them. But hey....I wore them once! lol They sure did look good on.