Wednesday, September 25, 2013

How to Drive Like an A-hole in 10 Easy Steps

You know when you are watching a movie or television show and you think to yourself, I could be that guy. I could be Walter White. I could be The Rock. I could be that supermodel/gangster/rapper/Magic Mike dancer. You would not trade your current life for it but you could take on that role, if only you knew where to begin.

Now, I know you are the safest driver. Yes, of course you are and do nothing to thwart this concept. For example, you would never want to be an A-hole Driver. You use the vehicle for its primary purpose which is to take you, your loved ones or miscellaneous items to and fro.  You respect that car for what it is: a reliable mode of transportation versus what it is not: a weapon of mass destruction, a race car, a tank. Never mind that some use their car as a: garbage can, closet or mobile motel. It is the driving of the car that is most relevant. As you know, not all drivers are created equal.

If you wanted to drive like an A-hole, you would need a tutorial just like you would need a tutorial if you wanted to be a science teacher turned drug lord or a rapper. After living in Atlanta for 15+ years, let me be your sensei since I have in fact, learned many valuable lessons from my fellow Atlanta drivers. Here is your lowdown:


1. When you get in your car to leave your departure venue, you should make sure you have every item you need to accomplish your list of tasks while on your journey. Get your coffee, your iPhone, your mascara, your book. Get it all. Put it all in the front seat so you have easy access. Do not do anything while the car is in park. Wait until the car is in motion to start your TO DOs. While driving, the more you do, the better. Who cares if another driver shudders when they see you holding your coffee, your smoke stick, your phone and the wheel. Everyone knows you have sh*t to do! You are SOOOO busy!

2.  If you are unsure of your destination, go as slow as possible on the roadway while you figure it out. Do not pull over and consult your navigation or map as that simply wastes time. It is better to drive10 mph on the road anyway as that ensures the safety for all around you. You will make your necessary determinations soon enough. There are 10 cars crawling along behind you? Makes no difference because you can't find Betty's house! You must slow time down to a snail's pace while you search for it. Dont cut corners and use the voice prompts on your navigation either, cheater.

3. However, if you have somewhere to be than bombs away! Remind yourself that your time is a gift and no one should steal it by actually stopping at stop signs or driving cautiously through a cross walk. Those people have shoes on! They  know how to hop and scurry! And a yellow light? Seriously. Yellow is just a lighter shade of green. Press the long pedal.

4. If you are in the right hand lane and you need to cut across two lanes so you can get in the turn lane to make a left, just DO IT already. Quicker the better. If you gave the car behind you a fright as you dodged in front of them Frogger-style, well, boo boo kitty! People should be on their toes at all times. It does not matter if you opt not to use a blinker, people love surprises! Remember your friend Abigail's surprise 40th birthday party? Wasn't she smiling? Didn't she seem delighted? Exactly my point.

5. If you are in a hurry because you overslept, the rest of the world should definitely pay for that transgression. What good is an alarm clock if it does not perform? It has one simple task! So get on it to make up that time. If the car in front of you pauses to let another car in, you should most definitely honk your horn at them. F them and their courtesy! Be kind on their own time! And when I say honk, I don't mean Toot Toot Ice Cream Man! I mean Honk It Like Its Hot. Dont be a wimp, what do you think the horn is for. People should hear that horn far and wide, then they know you. mean. business. And quick bursts aren't as effective as long laying on it style. No one responds to a beep beep but they will quiver in their gym clothes when they hear the bazooka you have coming.

6. You should definitely talk on the phone. As much as possible. And don't use hands-free, unless you are a wimp. Hold that phone and chat it up. Better yet, in between breaths, whip out some text messages too. This way you are using your gift of hands, sight AND voice. You don't need to do one thing at a time because everyone knows you are the world's greatest multi-tasker. Work those activities!

7. If you dart in front of someone and they opt to honk at you well, that will NEVER DO. You must respond because its not your fault they were not being extra-gracious. Flip them off. Oh, you have a magnet on your car emblazoned with the logo of your child's school? SO WHAT. Oh, you also have the precious "My child is on the honor roll at....." sticker? Well, guess what, those other drivers are impressed with your genetically gifted offspring AND your driving prowess. And when you throw that bird gangster style at them, they will not think you are one tired and %&#(@*^@ cranky Mom, they will think you are street and they will also realize "That is a person I shall not _____ with."

8. If you dart in front of another car and they get all Eminem style on you and honk and pull up really, really close behind you, I have four words for you. Teach them a lesson. Tap on your brakes. And I don't mean tap like Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollypop. I mean stomp. This way, they will be caused to stomp on their brakes and spill their coffee all over their lap, smoke stick AND cell phone. HAT TRICK! Or, they will rear-end you and when they are cursing you out big time in front of the police officer, you can smile and say, "Who hit who here, Mr. Andretti?"

9. If you discover as you approach a red light, you are in the wrong lane, you should absolutely not simply proceed through the light and turn around. This is not a good use of your incredibly special and limited time. You should simply attempt to get into other lane. Oh, you will block all the cars behind you from moving forward? OH WELL. They should have left their houses earlier. Seriously.

10. If a car darts in front of you, you should definitely not say something kind and forgiving like Bless their heart! I admit, that is sweet but really, where's the personality? Where's the spice? The ZING? You would be better off saying "What the _______ you _______ (2nd blank is a word used for women who sell their bodies for money.) Extra triple bonus score if your Mom is in the passenger seat and makes a horrified face at your outburst. She is appalled but she might forget some day and you clearly taught that other driver a lesson!*

(*I have never executed activities 1-9. However, sorry Mom for that one and only time I used such language 1. in your presence 2. in the car. [the only other time was at my adult co-ed soccer game.] Double-whoops.)


vanilla said...

Good oh you that you eschew 1 - 9. And yet, 10? really?

Brian Miller said...

bless their little hearts....smiles...ha...i say that all the time...NOT>...smiles...oy, i struggle with slow drivers at times....

Little Ms Blogger said...

My personal new favorite is the motorcycles that drive in between the lanes at 90 miles a hour. It seems to be happening more and more and is great these people are giving me a free check-to-see-if-my-heart-is-beating-still test.

the walking man said...

It's readily apparent you all down there do not believe in right front seat drivers. See with a right fronts seat driver not only do you have someone to work all your doo dads AND put your mascara on for you but you also have someone who monitors all the gauges and meters for you, reminding you that the needle may just perhaps be up to high past the number posted on the sign,(of course they do not know the difference between a tachometer and a speedometer, another good thing about a right front side driver is they give you little clues like screaming in your ear when someone cuts 6 inches in front of you and you don't jam on your brakes and they can swear at you (keeping it private and in the family) instead of at the idiot who just came across four lanes of traffic and only put their turn signal on when you got into their blind spot.

Yes jenny M you most certainly need a right front side passenger. I will be sending my wife down on the 5PM flight from DTX this afternoon, please make sure you have all of your necessaries with you---no guns though it is illegal to shoot your own right side front driver.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Yes and Yes! People are idiots.

Almost all of these are done in our school's parking lot. So sad.