Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Oral Pleasure and Dirty Talk

There is significant risk that on the periodic occasion my Father reads my blog, this would be the day. If so, see you later Dad. Love you and come back and visit soon.

Everyone else, let's go.

As a young adult,  I was an interesting combination of late-bloomer and naive. I thought I knew things. A friend found a chart her brother had created with various positions. We thought it was for aerobics which was a new hot trend at that time. (This was the 80s.)  Really, aerobics? And my older brother's friend once teased him about having "VD". I thought, 'Everyone has Valetines Day, dummy."

In retrospect, I am glad I was not well versed in the ways of the sassy world. And it did provide some humor like the first time a boy invited me downtown.

Recently, I saw an old friend on Facebook. And I remembered we briefly dated in the beginning of college. And I remembered he too was uninformed. When two innocent little lambs try to move beyond teen-age make-out party, it doesnt look like Carnival Day in a Disney movie. It looks more like two nerds trying to fight Steven Seagal. And because it never hurts to laugh at yourself, it certainly should not hurt to have a few others laugh at you as well.

And the good news is that what I lacked in experience I made up for in sarcasm.

Once, when cuddled up in his room at his fraternity, out of the blue came this:

Him: Should we talk dirty to each other?
Me: Ummmmm, ok.
Him: What should we say?
Me: I dont think you script it out.
Him: How should we start?
Me: I have no idea. Wasn't it your idea?
Him: I have never really done it.
Me: Do people talk about it this much beforehand? (Thankfully we were snuggling under the light of the lava lamp because my face was all kinds of red.)
Him: Do you want to touch my penis?
Me: That sounds clinical.
Him: Ok, do you want to touch my weiner?

In the records from the Academy of Awesome Dirty Talk, no one and I mean NO ONE ever worked "weiner" into a hot conversation with success.

Him: Hmmmm. Do you want to watch Family Matters?
Me: Do I want to forego rolling around in a sassy way with an extremely cute boy and figure out how to dirty talk appropriately to watch Family Matters instead ? NO. But I might consider it if we watch 90210.

We were never successful but I am certain he was practicing because a few weeks later in the midst of teen-age make-out party, he asked in a breathy voice, "Would you like to orally pleasure me?"
No, Marcus Welby, MD., I do not want to orally pleasure you. PS: Find a new code name for that. STAT.

He was a great guy but we were two sexual dorks not matched in Heaven. 


Anonymous said...

Snicker. Snicker. Snort. "Would you like to orally pleasure me?" reminds me of the preppy med student from Van Wilder.

MommyLisa said...

Bwahahahahahaha. Awesome.

Angel Shrout said...

BWHAHAHAHAHA *coff snort* Oh OH.. BWHAHAHA the last one was the clincher for me... still laughing bwhahahaah

Unknown said...

Too funny!

So. Cal. Gal said...

I dated a guy who always wanted to have phone sex. I associated phone sex with someone in a cubicle (thank you 'Friends') using a breathy voice. So every time he suggested it, I'd start to laugh. Talk about a mood breaker. For him.

Jenn @ You know... that Blog? said...

Um. AWKWARD! Too funny - I would have laughed too, which is a definite "mood" shrinker. ;)

It's been a long time, hasn't it? Hope you're doing fabulously!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, even if Gerard Butler said wiener, I'm sure I'd snort.