Monday, March 5, 2012

Stop: Hammer Time

I read an article yesterday that a woman in South Wales received a fine for littering when a thread from her glove fell onto the sidewalk. Oh no, you read that correctly. A thread from her glove fell on the sidewalk unbeknownst to her and in turn she received a fine of 75 pounds. She asked if the surly officer meant to take that much money off a pensioner, and he told her to take it to court. Well, this is almost too crazy to be true...except it is true. So you take your littering quite serious, don't you sir? And while I certainly don't think you should pick on a sweet elderly bird, I think your demanding nature, high standards and strict level of detail could prove beneficial. Therefore I am quite certain I need to invite you, and all your surly bastard persona, to the United States to do some serious OVERHAUL on the sea of idiots committing the following (and I must say far more serious) violations:

For example: 

People who are still yapping away on their cellphone while driving. Hands-free, ding-dongs, hands-free. I am sure you can buy a headset for about $1 on eBay.

People who respond to email in a terse or sarcastic fashion demanding answers that are written in the VERY email they obviously didn't read.

People on who confuse "dance floor" with "an area to dry hump one another like feral animals with musical accompaniment".

People who get a charge out of being rude to the waitstaff.

People who say they are vegetarian while eating scrambled eggs.

Women who refer to themselves as "cougars."

People at the gym who pour sweat on the machines but are clearly TOO exhausted to wipe it down when they are done.

Girls who still insist on displaying their thong underwear outside of their pants.

Men over the age of 21 who refer to other men as "Bra".

People who like to debate facts of which they have not a clue what they are talking about. If you find yourself up against this person, and we all do, I have three words for you: University of Google. Look it up on your smartphone mid-argument and show it them. Try not to laugh when you do it.

People who leave hideous "anonymous" comments all over YouTube video posts. Even video posts of like sweet little church choirs. Really?

People who start sentences with "Don't tell anyone I told you this" not because they are gossiping but because they really don't think you KNOW they have multiple other conversations with other people that started the same way.

People who disregard the "No Cell Phone Use" signs in the Doctor office or Court.

People who air very personal (and never positive) information on Facebook. Let's all look at it this way: Facebook is a bulletin board NOT a personal diary. 

People who claim they "never eat processed food" as they are eating non-organic, non hand-crafted store bought crackers. Is there a Keebler Elf in your kitchen making that for you? Another great scenario for University of Google. My suggestion of a search: Is it processed food when it contains 30 ingredients and I didn't make it in my kitchen with a trusty Keebler Elf by my side.

Our neighbor who bought a muscle car with some kind of exhaust system on it so you can hear it from 5 miles away like Huggy Bear or Starsky and Hutch. I empathize with your mid-life crisis but where in the ______ are you going every day at 3 or 4 in the morning??? And don't you have a job? You come and go about 20 times per day.

People who don't tip the bartender.

People who use the word "retard" to mean any thing other than to hinder or impede.

People who use the word "gay" to mean any thing other than merry or lively.

Whew, that was unfortunately all too easy. I know none of you do this so hopefully you have an entire week that is idiot-free.


Unknown said...


vanilla said...

Wow. How easy it is to live "annoyed." But you are right. We could do without all those behaviors, and more.

Anonymous said...

I bet you feel a lot better getting that off your chest. ;-)

(I agree and just reading it helped me get it off my chest too.)

tattytiara said...

The one of those things that is not like the others would have to be the cell phone one. That's far beyond annoying, that's literally life endangering. You know the people doing it have probably had to swerve suddenly to save their own necks from somebody glued to their electronic soother at some point themselves, too, but in their minds they're still completely aware of everything around them - it's the other people who aren't capable of multi-tasking the way they are.

Jennifer Vanderbeek said...

A thread as littering, oh dear. I hope the magistrate laughs that one out of court, truly.

And ovo-lacto vegetarians (those who still consume dairy and eggs) are quite common. The self-professed "vegan" wearing a leather jacket, now, that's another story.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Great list. I hate the oversharing on FB.

Unknown said...

I hate all of the above. I am even more disturbed by the cop that fined the woman. I am hoping it gets tossed out of court.

Lori said...

I really need to make it over here more often ~ I think I have a kink in my neck from nodding! Well said girl.

webb said...

And women who wear tights as pants. They really are not!

Grand Pooba said...

Ha! I agree with all of the above!

mary i said...

Every word is truth!! In fact I am of a mind to show this to some folks and see if they "get-it" I am a member of said University. Thank you for starting my day out. Made my coffee taste better.

ipenka said...

Haha, hilarious. I do despise a lot of things on that list.

*cough* Full disclosure: I might be guilty of a few myself. What was the joke (if you don't see the idiot/crazy guy, its probably you?). Going forward, guess I should be more careful.

GunDiva said...

Don't forget about the jello-eating vegetarians. :)

They go right along with the scrambled egg-eating vegetarians.