Friday, January 6, 2012

Oh let me guess, one of your New Year's Resolutions is "go to the gym".

Happy New Year friends. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season. Ours was splendid primarily because it was guided in by the 4 year old in this house. This age = true believers. I will spare you the numerous stories about his delightful antics because you either 1. have your own kids 2. know someone's kids and have to listen to all their stories or 3. you don't like kids.

BUT, I will share this: Departing my huband's parents house the evening of Christmas Eve, we see a low-flying plane with a blinking red light. In all sincerity and earnestness, our son saw that and literally shouted, "We have to HURRY! SANTA and RUDOLPH on ON THEIR WAY TO OUR HOUSE!!!"  It was absolutely the sweetest thing.

But let's get down to some more salty business. I love the flooding of resolutions that take place each new year. A list of positive goals? No one can frown at that. A majority of these lists include a sentence or two in which the word "gym" is center stage.

I will join a gym.
I will start going back to the gym.
I will think of the gym while resting my arse on the couch as I play Xbox or GTA.

I am all about the fitness, health and wellness. I applaud anyone who wants to improve their health or fitness even if for only one day. It does get a little extra jam packed in the gym the first few weeks of January but trust me, that will all even itself out by Valentines Day. But with the influx of traffic at the gym, it is a keen time for me to make many observations. Shall I share? Indeed.

I have previously mentioned the indoor-sunglass-wearers and the cell-phone-yappers. Here are some other friends at the gym to be on the lookout for:

1. Sir Sweats-a-lot. I think its great your body is ridding itself of all the toxins. And all the rest of the moisture in your body right down to your spinal fluid.  If it is your first day here, I suggest you bring a towel. You know what makes me think you know this already? Because you have met yourself before.  You didn't start being this much of a liquid fountain today. Yesterday I was stretching on the community mats (community skank planks) and the sweatiest man I have ever spied laid down next to me and actually slid on the mat. He SLID. ON THE MAT. He had no towel. So after his brief stretching period which looked more like bad break-dancing, he hopped up and scurried off. I wanted to mark the area with crime scene chalk so I would know to NEVER NEVER sit here. And do you know how many times I have done child's pose on those mats? MANY. I hope my face enjoyed dried booty sweat. Egads.

2. Thong Leotard Lady: For the love of HAYSOOOOS, take that off Suzanne Somers. I know this is Atlanta, the only cool metro area in the South besides Miami but even the dames in Miami are not wearing thong leotards like its Audition Day for the "20 Minute Workout." Do you remember this show? It was basically porn. Or Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie Perfect. That is the last time I saw someone wearing a thong leotard and thought "well, that makes sense." It was 1985. A lot has happened since 1985 my friends, can we please kill the thong Leotard.

3. Aggressive Trainer:  Ok, I get the trainers have a goal. That goal is to have as many clients as possible. Can you please not stalk people down in the gym like you are the Lion to my Gazelle. I don't like that you try to talk to me while I am running on the treadmill. I don't think the other 20 people running on the treadmill like you to talk to them either. How do I know this? Am I clairvoyant? NO. It is because they are RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL.  Like I want to whip out my earbud during an awesome throwback Van Halen song for you to ask me how I am enjoying my workout. I am not enjoying it because it is not a 1. tickle party 2. back rub  or 3. Day in Cabo San Lucas. I also enjoy seeing you making the weirdo forced eye contact with people trying to start a conversation. I think that makes people uncomfortable. If people want to inquire about your services, won't they come to the desk beneath the giant banner reading "Get your Personal Training questions answered here." No one thinks you are doing auto repair or couponing over there. Practice the Field of Dreams motto: If you build it, they will come.

4. Boobylicious girl: If I was endowed, I would likely flaunt those girls here and there. But not everywhere. Places I would not flaunt them: My child's school. My place of work. The gym. Big cleavage on display at the gym doesn't actually blend in well. Oh, I get it. You are not trying to blend in.  And cleavage, well, I know some people can't help what they are given. But an abyss that looks like Apollo 13 could fit in and be devoured? Well, that is excessive. And not everyone has heard of these crazy devices called "Tank tops" or "T-shirts" which also serve to cover up the chest sector. Shake what your Mama gave you but its not South Beach.

5. Ball scratcher: I don't spend an inordinate amount of time with my eyes on the cash and prizes region of male gym visitors. But there seems to be a public ball scratcher in the mix quite often. Oh, I have heard they need to be "adjusted" like your nuts and bolts get all out of whack by merely walking. If your parts get twisted up doing a sit-up or two, you might need professional help. Oh, I don't have these parts so I really can't say? I live with a man and rarely see him handling his goods to the extent I have witnessed at the gym. Maybe I should go to the gym with him just to test my hypothesis.

I have parts. They dont need constant management. Maybe because they don't dangle? If having dangling parts means you have to scratch them like they have fleas, well, thank you Baby Jesus for the blessing.  Yesterday, I saw a guy with one leg up and foot resting on a weight bench while he talked to his friend. Entire time handling his junk. WOW. If I was chatting with a girlfriend and she was cupping her ta-tas the entire time, I might pause and walk away.

Since none of you fit these descriptions, I hope your gym experience today is fantastic. And have a great weekend.


Unknown said...

That was hilarious, and sooo right on!

Slamdunk said...

Now, my New Year kick-off is complete. JennyMac has me laughing out loud without shame at her gym exploits.

Combine your #5 with the tidbit that men rarely wash their hands and one is left with serious ewwws.

Enjoy your weekend.

Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice said...

No New Year's resolutions are complete without mentioning the gym at least once.

Unfortunately, I go to my gym when it's not very busy. Not enough people watching. But I've still spotted a few of these people. Grrr.

Kristina P. said...

I don't like to wear a bra when I go to the gym, so I can basically hit people in the eye with boobs that go down to my knees. Don't be hating.

Mrs. M said...

Unfortunately many of those tend to be the people that stick around, too.

Unknown said...

funny enough - the gym.
but not for the first time.and not the first failure. XD

Anonymous said...

LOL...this is why I stay away from the gym! But you're right, the word "gym" does appear on my list of New Year's resolutions. As in, find another way to get in shape cause ain't no way I'm subjecting myself to that madness (and paying for it, too!?! WTF?)

Okay, I'll admit. it's cause I'm poor. And self-conscious. And a bit of a ball-scratcher. (Hey, my boys get sweaty. And last time I checked CVS didn't sell Speed Stick for your nads) But I'm pretty good at not doing it in public--I'm not a baseball player for chrissakes!

Great blog. I'm following you like a personal trainer! Ha!

Ed said... New Years resolution was to be at the gym when Leotard Lady was working out....

Unknown said...

Guck. Hate the too-sweaty guy. I also have a hard time with Sir Gruntsalot. Is it possible, dude, that you're lifting too much weight? Are you planning on throwing tree trunks at the Highland Games any time soon? Got yourself a job down at the rail yard moving trains with your bare hands? Keep it down over there. It's bad enough my gym shorts are riding up my keister even without the thong, and the only reason the personal trainer is watching me is because he's afraid he'll have to make a dash for the portable heart / lung machine.

Rita Templeton said...

I work at a gym, and have had the (mis)fortune of being exposed to all of the above. But what really skeeves me out above all is the creepster who seems to come in JUST to hit on chicks. They'll even holla from the treadmill while you're walking by - they have plenty of breath since they're just strolling at a snail's pace to keep up the appearance of a legitimate reason for being there. Ugh.

Monroes said...

Hilarious!! Guess what I will be watching for tomorrow morning at the Gym.. ha ha

So. Cal. Gal said...

Haha! LOVE this!

Re: ball scratchers - try being in a wheelchair. It's not as fun as it might sound. I always ask guys to sit down when they're talking to me so I don't have to be eyeball to ball.

Talia said...

This is absolutely hysterical. Love #5. Why do they have to constantly touch themselves?!