Oh, an early afternoon post? My timing is all of kilter. Work = ass kicker as I have said many a time. It is not any less true today. However, I did get an awesome early am work out in today. And since I shared with you the other day some recent observations on gym hooligans, it was a flashback to earlier observation of gym hooligans and how easy it is at time to make fun of others. I am not saying it is kind, people. I am saying the opportunities abound. Let me share one of my favorite gym posts of yesteryear. LHAC is going green today and recycling a post. Oh, and you should get yourself to the gym today for a workout because I am laying down some treacherous baked sinfulness on all of you on Saturday.
I don't know the general consensus on gym etiquette, but let's vet it out shall we?
There are a litany of things I observe at the gym I find foolish and unnecessary. While so many people there are just normal people trying to be fit, there are others who, well, you know.
The loud grunting is annoying but so is the constant dropping of weights on the floor. Didn't you just lift that 15 times? I am certain you have a fraction of energy left to calmly place that barbell back on the floor then. Oh, and the sunglass wearers. Really? You are indoors. You look silly. Overhead light just too bright? Stop it Jamie Foxx.
But my least favorite are the cell phone chatters because the sunglasses, grunts, careless and exaggerated hurtling of weights to the floor don't directly impact me. However, the cell phone chatters impact everyone around them.
Two weeks ago a girl, let's call her MegaLipShine (because she reapplied it 10 times in an hour) gets on the elliptical next to me. Oh, she has plenty to chat about with her friend on her bedazzled, beglittered pink phone. I don't think you need to chat on the phone while exercising, and certainly not while you are exercising in my vicinity. Look around. No one in the whole cardio machine sector has a cell phone in use. However, if you have an emergency or a con call you must take since you are "working from home" that day, fine. If you have to check on childcare, dog at the vet, grocery list, I get it. Most people do this before they begin their work out but perhaps there are extenuating circumstance. But I assure you, MegaLipShine had none. MegaLipShine did however have plenty to say to friend on phone about Bessie.
MegaLipShine: I can not believe Jay won't call me back. I know he is dating that Bessie woman. She is a new doctor in his building. His neighbor told me all she wants to do is have sex. She is such a whore.
Hmmmm. First: Would any man call that a whore? Or would he call it "Near Perfection". What next? Bessie doesn't like to talk about her feelings? Oh boy...if so, Bessie will soon be the most popular girl in the world.
Second: Bessie is a very uncommon name. In fact, I know of no woman named Bessie. Especially Bessie the Doctor. You give too many details, MegaLipShine. Therefore, if you are talking about Bessie the Doctor in a large open-air environment with hundreds of people, it is likely due to her unusual name, someone here may know her. Smarten up. If you are going to subject the crowd to your salty rage about why Jay would rather date a doctor who loves sex as opposed to you with your resplendent, pink sparkly phone, use code. PS: You sound dumb.
But I simply turned my iPod on and drowned out MegaLipShine. And I had forgotten about it until yesterday.
I was at the gym in a rare hour of virtual emptiness. There are 30 exercise bikes and I am the only one using them. Until another person comes and sits down on the bike right next to me.
And then gets on his phone and loudly tries to explain to the person on the other end that he "never actually said I was a partner at the firm" and that it was all her boozy haze that had somehow misconstrued "salesman" for "practicing attorney". And he was loud. And it went on and on.
I am trying to read my new book, Olive Kitteridge, and since there are 28 other bikes open, must he sit adjacent to me? Does he not need more privacy for his nauseating conversation? At first, I decided to move. And then, I remembered I was wearing my bitchybritches, I decided to do something else instead. I started whistling. A merry tune. Raising the decibels in micro amounts. He suddenly says into phone, "Yes. I hear it too. Yes, it IS very irritating....OH, its the girl next to me." The volume of my whistling growing in direction proportion to my mounting immaturity.
He turns to me and says, "That is rather irritating."
Me, in deadpan disbelief look him in the eye and say, "Oh, is it?"
He got up then and only then did I realize he is wearing tight black bicycle shorts with his t-shirt tucked in. My retina stung from looking. I simply can not take a grown man with a shirt tucked into bicycle shorts seriously.
But more importantly, please do not select the bike next to the only other person over here and carry on a loud and rather mundane conversation on your cell phone.
So, when you feel all aglow with so much news to share, maybe just maybe, you can wait until you are done exercising. Some are here to actually work out while some are simply here to annoy.