I know everyone has different gifts but could everyone at least have (and exercise) the gift of common sense? I know we have all talked about fools. Oh, they abound. And some even get promoted to the next level, I like to call DUMBARSE. And while it is not necessarily make fun of them, it sometimes is a must to point them out as a public service announcement as reminders of things we should never, ever do. So all other contenders, I am sorry to say, the role of Big Dumbarse has been filled.
By this girl?
My husband works for a Fortune 500 company of which he has been employed for a long time. He has also amassed a team of over 50 people who report to him directly and indirectly. Many of them are women. This works well since my husband loves to talk about his feelings. Or the opposite. Ditto for hearing about the feelings of others ad-nauseum. But, he does have one direct report who, while nice as pie, does talk too long and too often about feelings at the work place. My husband appreciates she is a hard worker but dodges her like a silver bullet when feasible. Recently she requested a one-on-one meeting to discuss an urgent issue. When she arrived in his office she seemed flustered. He was all ears to help her solve her problem. She starts with: I am very upset. He asks: Did something happen with the customer? And here is what went down:
Her: I am very upset
Him: Did something happen with the customer?
Her: Yes, but I am more upset about something else.
Her: They cancelled All My Children.
Him: (waiting for the punchline. It never comes. And I am pretty sure he made this face he likes to make right about now. And its not a face that screams “Tell me more!”)
Her: I really can’t believe it. They cancelled All My Children after all these years.
Her: I wrote a letter to the head of ABC.
Pssst: Hey ladybug, I wish I could have interrupted you here. First, you know you are taking your grievance about the cancellation of a show about fake people's lives to your boss, right? Secondly, let me give you a heads up about that face he is making. It is a cross between "WOW" and "Are you __________ kidding me." Third, are you reading his body language? I can almost promise it is NOT GOOD. Fourth, there is a only a modicum of possibility that he would ever have this conversation about ANY show. Maybe and only maybe if you were talking about LOST would you even have a shot. But All My Children? You might as well be talking about America's Got Talent or any piece of news from US Weekly. And then what you should not do is tell him you wrote a letter to the head of ABC about the cancellation of this or ANY show. Ever. And this meeting you called was for an urgent company issue. Let's talk business, ma'am. This isn't the watercooler. Or the lunch line. Or your sister's house.
Finally, my husband indicated “time is up” by standing up. If he had a secret button to magically turn her chair into an ejector seat, he would have pushed it. And she was surprised time was up. She asked if she couldn't have just a few more minutes. My husband, in his dry tone, said, "You actually just used 29.5 minutes on a discourse regarding All My Children. Probably not a good idea for the future, agreed?" She smiled, agreed, and he knows this will happen about 200 more times this year. As I have said before, people in the south like to use a common phrase in these situations: Bless her heart. And NOT in a good way. People from all other parts of the country might say: WOW, what a big dumbarse. But thank you lady I don't even know because you made me feel awesome about the one time I said "A**hole" in from of my boss.
But she might not be the biggest dumbarse I have heard about this week. Shocking, I know. How about this guy, who clearly, takes the cake:
Christian Boncorps was drunk at the airport. That is about all you need to know that this story doesn't end well, wastes many people's time and resources, and causes big, fat delays at JFK. But Christian was sauced. And they wouldn't let him on the airplane. So instead of wobbling back to the bar and waiting to bitch up a storm, he instead says he is Bin Laden. AND he has a bomb. Really Christian Boncorps. Bin Laden AND a bomb? WOW. You really didn't want to go anywhere, did you? Oh, I meant, you didn't want to go anywhere but the pokey. Do I need to explain to you that NO ONE wants a reference made to Bin Laden, especially in NYC? And have you not been in the US for the past ten years? You simply do NOT slip "bomb" into conversation at the airport. In fact, you don't so much as threaten that you are carrying a &^@%(! # plastic spork from KFC without getting the stinkeye from someone in uniform and then, getting tossed in the pokey. Lucky for you, the clerk at the AirFrance counter was also a dumbarse and didn't call the police. You didn't immediately go to jail so it was your lucky day. But you still take home the title: BIG DUMBARSE.