Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Apparently this is still a hot topic: penis size

I remember the first conversation I had with girlfriends about penis size. I wish it was swanky and luxe like Carrie Bradshaw and friends but no, it was not. I was with my two best friends from childhood, Tigger and Taz, and the conversation involved discussion of a boy rumored to possess a penis as big as a Coke bottle. Because we were naive and none of us had even seen a penis, we didn't know if that meant it was 1. round  2. bottle shaped  3. clear or 4. had a cap on it. YOWZA.

I will admit we got a Coke bottle, studied it, measured it, and then reiterated: YOWZA.

I further admit there has been many discussions about penis size since then ranging from the initial rudimentary conversations involving: seeing a penis or not seeing a penis to later discussion involving wanting to see a certain person's penis or NOT wanting to see a certain person's penis.  I will spare you all the rudimentary conversations that included dialogue on what in the world did you do with the penis once you did see it. That is an entirely different blog post.

I think most people, at some social setting involving a group of friends or alcohol (or both) had a discussion about penis size. Men as well as women. Were all of our conversations sweet? NO. But I directly correlate classiness about this topic to age. The younger you are, the worse it is. But I have not had a conversation about this with girlfriends in a long, long time. Apparently, it is still a hot topic.

Proof: Reading a magazine the other night, I saw a blurb about an online condom company called Condomania that makes custom-fitting condoms. Good for you Condomania. Better fit = better protection and what certainly must be better feel.  BUT, the article also stated Condomania gathered the results from over 27,000 men who ordered said condoms and utilized the "Fit Kit" to measure their cash and prizes. Condomania released this information which listed New Orleans as the home of the men with the largest penises. Great you have a Fit Kit and a custom fitting prophylactic but really? Releasing the top 20 locations by penis size? And no, I was not reading Men's Health OR Cosmopolitan.  What a weird compilation to put together.

Further proof: I went to the gym the other night after work. In the locker room, which was bustling and full, two women were discussing penis size. In detail. And loudly. Here is the thing, talk about whatever you want to talk about but there are a few places you might want to monitor your chatter: Elevator, waiting room, and locker room. Because everyone does not know you and EVERYONE can hear you. However, these two were in deep detail and this is how it went down.

Girl 1: blah blah blah, it was so little
Girl 2: snark snark snark
Girl 1: He should have had to wear a button that said, "I have a tiny d*ck" so I would never have gone out to dinner with him.
Girl 2: Guffaw guffaw guffaw.
Girl 1: Men should have to tell their junk size up front so I don't have to waste my time. 

Oh, I get it. You directly correlate penis size to your interest in  a man. Well, that is the beauty of preferences. Oh, and then I slid my Judgy-Pants on, one size fits all. I think there is discretion, there is preference, and then there is just being a bitch. Being a loud bitch in a public space is even better. And while you are yapping about the penis situation ladies, how about you both put your undergarments on? And then skedaddle. While I tried to hurry to get out of work clothes into work-out clothes, I am not Superman so I enjoyed your loud and long conversation very little. Oh, and did you notice some of those sidelong glances girls? Those are the eyes of the UNCOMFORTABLE.

And nevermind that I have a son who will become a young man with a penis that will one day be discussed either positively or negatively by someone. However, while I had my judgy-pants on nice and snug I thought it would be hilarious in the particular circumstance of these two women if a man's penis size was directly correlated to:

a. How much he ACTUALLY liked you.
b. Likelihood you would EVER meet his parents.
c. Probability he would take you to a work function.
d. How much he really wanted to talk to you about YOUR day and YOUR feelings.

But maybe this is all preparation for me since I am a parent to a boy. While he is not talking about the size of his penis (yet) he certainly loves talking about it.

No penis comments needed. haha.