Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Involuntary Abstinence. Or why you won't be invited to PantyTown

Last weekend was a fun weekend in Atlanta. It was chillier than the North Pole to us tenderlings but it was also the kick off of holiday party season which I like. Oh, I like it a lot.  Friday night my friend BK hosted a cocktail party at an uber-swank lounge in midtown. My fab friend KW and I put on our sassy party frocks and attended. Sipping, and noshing, and laughing, oh my!  I then think it is a good idea to extend our party time and go to a fun joint down the street for some live music, festivities, and additional cocktails. And were there ever additional cocktails and festivities. One highlight of the night: KW and I singing with the band.

But there were other festivities too. What kind? Well, the SEC Championship game between the Auburn University Tigers and The University of South Carolina Gamecocks was Saturday night. This meant all the game revelers were out in full effect on Friday night. Listen, I LOVED college and was a game day reveler many, many times. But I don’t do that now and here is the reason: When you drink ALL day and then go out at night, you are not invisible. In fact, you are as prominently displayed as fireworks on a dark night. 

Furthermore, when you have been drinking all day and then later continue to drink and parade in your college paraphernalia, no one notices your college paraphernalia. In fact, most people see you and think WOW someone has clearly been drinking all day.  This particular bar of our choosing was fully loaded: Loaded with people in college, fresh out, people who wished they were still in college and a giant combination of all three from Auburn and USC specifically. Oh, and loaded with loaded people.  

But this scene was very reminiscent of college for me and did remind me of two very important things. In college, boys go out to meet girls. And I don't mean meet to talk about chemistry lab. In college, girls go out to: talk about their feelings, dance, or meet boys with whom to talk about their feelings and dance. As we watched the melee, I observed the boy brigade in full effect doing what they came to do: Randomly bellow out their team names and fraternize with women.  

Since I now have a much better view on this ritual, I would like to offer a bit of advice based on years of assessment (and a few stories I have heard). Boys, pay attention, because here are signs that Involuntary Abstinence is in your future, or what I like to call:

Key activities to ensure you will not be invited to PantyTown:

1. Needing an inanimate object like a jukebox or barstool to prop yourself up.  No one thinks you are merely sleeping. Or praying. You aren't fooling anyone there DrunkySmurf. Hope no one moves that prop or you will be teeth down on the dirty floor. Time for the cab.

2. If your team mascot is a Gamecock, oh we get it, they have a nickname. But if you are a wasted boy, best not repeatedly shout that nickname out with glee. Calm down Rudolph. PS: If you want to yell “GO COCKS” it is one thing. Yelling “I LOVE the COCKS” is a completely different message.

3.      Attempting to start a wet t-shirt contest by shaking your beer and spraying it. Oh, this will also earn you a punch in the face from the bouncer. Extra boo: Calling girls “sugar t*ts” while you try to get the party started. 

4. Telling women you like to "rock out with your _____  out. (Hint: Fill in blank with word that rhymes with rock).   Umm, how about you like to limp around when you get a knee to the groin. Same thing goes my friend for referring to ANY part of your body as a "Situation."  If a man nods toward any part of his body below his neck and claims to have "a situation" I think of ouchiness and things that require antibiotics.

5.      Trying to start a relationship with a girl on the dance floor by simply dancing as close to her as possible. Well, not really dancing, more like dry humping.  That is a no no. Back up a few feet. By the way, some women believe that how you dance is indicative of how you will be in bed. GOOD JOB, no one wants to have sex with Mr. Awkward Bodyheave.  (PS: Multiply this rule by 10 if you EVER start clogging in the middle of the dance floor. I have seen drunk men clogging. Scary memory.)

6.      T-shirts with clever sayings printed on them. And by clever, I mean idiotic. For example: I heart Cameltoe. Good for you if Cameltoe is your most prized treat on earth. Guess what Foolio? NO girl is going to parade out of there on your arm. By the way, do any women in your family know you have that shirt?!?! Have fun getting a sh*tbox from "Santa" this year.

7.      Boys wearing skinny jeans. S-s-s-stop it. Oh, I know you are a big Twilight-loving-Jack-Kerouac-reading-chain-smoking-Clove-cigarette-hipster but you are not the Jonas Brothers. And two more words about the skinny jeans: Christian Siriano. He is adorable but not projecting animal magnetism.

8.      Standing in line for the bathroom and you start chatting with a girl and you mean to say, “I really like your boots” but instead you say, “I really like your boobs.” You try to correct yourself but it comes out the second time as " I really like your tubes." Best to cease yapping at that point.

9.      Fist pumping. Ever. Especially while yelling FreeBIRRRRD. PS: The band does not EVER want to hear someone yell Freebird again.

10.      You are thin ice with a hat on. But if that sucker is on backwards or heaven forbid, sideways, enjoy talking to no one. Oh, and you can give away alcohol all night. NOT helping. Enjoy going home alone. 

11. Approaching women, in your coy (obvious) and sly (deliberate) way and serenading them with Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw.  You know the only person that can sing that song? Jimmy Buffett. And when you acquire his carefree attitude, his youthful looks, his fab house in Key West, all the Margaritas in Margaritaville, as well as the Cheeseburgers in Paradise, you can try again.

12.   And lastly: Ed Hardy. If you are wearing Ed Hardy and you are not Dennis Rodman, get a stylist. When you have more sparkle than a Disney tree lighting ceremony, you wardrobe is suffering. Why not just buy a bedazzler and save yourself some coin. PS: If two or more of your friends are wearing this at the same time, you should all be forbidden in public.  


Disclaimer: None of these rules apply to the girl wearing a trucker hat drinking JagerBombs.

44 comments:

Kat said...

Great advice JennyMac! Cait and I were shopping a couple of weeks ago and she said she does not understand why boys wear those skinny jean. Gave me hope for her generation! And as for Free Bird, the only good version is the burrito at the restaurant. DH is in a band, and if you want to really heckle them, you just have to utter those words! Kat

brainella said...

I went to U of SC for grad school and yes, the volume of Gamecock shirts was shocking. I did own the "You can't lick our cocks" shirt with logo though. Tacky and classless -- it's not reserved just for boys. :)

ChopperPapa said...

College guys, in fact any guys under the age of 25, are so stupid. Its a wonder that I ever made it past first base with any girl.

Most of them, were they fortunate enough to get lucky, don't have a clue what they are doing anyway.

"OMG! I'm actually having sex..!"...oops... aaaaand he's done.

TKW said...

I laughed so hard through this entire post! I heart Cameltoe? That is just WRONG!

Erin said...

This was fantastic. I can't wait to go back to my old college town in April. I have not been back since graduation and I am sure that the bar scene will be just as great. PS I hope that I am that girl in a trucker hat drinking jagerbombs :) I LOVE day drinking it totally makes me think I am young and not married with responsibilities.

Ed said...

Sounds like someones standards are a little too high.

hotpants™ said...

I heart Cameltoe? OMG. I've heard it all.

The Boob Nazi said...

You are SO right about all of these, especially the Ed Hardy one.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

You nailed it completely!

Kristina P. said...

Haha, these are HILARIOUS! I adore you.

PantyTown. Who is the mayor? Lohan? Spears?

MommaAmma said...

Love it! I've seen all these and I always reply with "wanna come home with me? I share a room with my mom and my baby but they won't wake up, promise!" That one always works. Almost.

Thanks for the laugh today!

Eva Gallant said...

Great. I chuckled all the way through these, even though a couple of them went over my old, out of date head! lol

Rebecca said...

I once saw a guy out wearing a shirt that said "It ain't gonna suck itself." True. But no one else is going to do it, either, so good luck with that issue. Great post!

DaisyGal said...

I *Heart* you...mostly because you say all the things I wish I did...

and are you SURE we didn't go to college together..or date the same guys...LOL

*smooch*

Anonymous said...

I laughed my ass off. Literally. You are hysterical.

webb said...

Gosh, Jenny Mac, it's been way too long since I have spent any time in SEC territory (where I grew up). Thanks for reminding me how wild it can be. I'm pretty sure I attended that party in college.

Eric said...

Whoa, it's like freshman year of college (and a bit of highschool) all over again.

Yikes, you actually saw someone wearing that shirt? Surely they were just zoology fans, with particular emphasis on dromedary podiatry of four legged animals. Well either that or fans of women that are more 'innie'? Well either way, he probably shouldn't have worn a damned shirt in public about it.

Grand Pooba said...

Wow, between the two of us I think we could write a book on the subject!

Babes Mami said...

Haha I remember when I first moved here to SC I was shocked at all the 'I love cocks' or 'go cocks' shirts and now I'm just ashamed lol.

Slamdunk said...

Sounds like a people watcher's paradise. Thanks for the laugh--at the expense of morons of course.

Grace Matthews said...

My My My....hysterical.


Fellow Blog Hopper:)

Geeta said...

Brilliant. Print this and mail it to every college and university imaginable. Wait, that might take a lot of paper. Find someone to put together a master e-mail list and send it to every college guy possible (then work on the female version, of which there can certainly be as well).

I found all that to hold true althroughout college too - and even on those night's I'd go out with friends more recently and choose not to drink - seeing the interactions really made me go "are you KIDDING me?" I could see clear as day the moves the guys try to make - and can you say sleazy?! Oh nightlife <3

Shanna said...

this is the funniest thing I will read all week. A must read for boys 18-22. Ergh, 18-32.

Anonymous said...

Go Tigers! Sounds like Babylon to me...

KittyCat said...

I love the gamecocks!

Sounds like you had a great time.
At least your "good"times dont get you into trouble.

Me, I gotta stay away from the "good times".

DeNae said...

I think I've plumbed the depths of prudish ignorance on this one, Jenny. The only word I understood in this entire post was "bedazzler", and that's shameful enough.

SmartBear said...

Ohmyhell girl THAT is funny. You need to print that on a t-shirt and sell it for all the ladies to wear....only then those drunk boys will be reading words on boobs, which is never a good idea. If I had a dime for every time I clobbered a guy ina bar for staring at my boobs I would have no student loan debt right now. This was pre-baby of course. They were faboulous so I can't blame them. But really...my eyes are UP HERE dipshit!
You gave me my much needed laugh as usual!
Best,
Tina

jules said...

Ed Hardy? No no no! And yeah, I would be very fearful to get involved with someone who called their stuff a "situation.' That is surely a problem. All of your points were good, but those two were my favs.

(Although, don't even get me started on "sugar t*ts." Did you really hear somebody say that?!?! OMG!)

Marcy said...

Hilarious post. I love it and all of the ridiculous memories it conjurs. Funny, when you are living it, you think those nights of partying and drinking were fantastic. As an adult, you realize how ridiculous it all was. And that there are some people still living that life....

I'm so glad we grew up (but can still enjoy a tiny bit of ridiculousness now and again... :)

Ctown said...

OMG...this is fantastic.

Maria said...

I wish I had been there. Drunk guys in bars, during football season is a good show. Especially if they are all emo, skinny jean wearing boys with a sideways caps...

I needed the giggle today!

MealPlanningMama said...

I think I *heart* you and your wittiness! What a great post, made me chuckle over coffee...ok truthfully I almost snorted my coffee out my nose at the mention of sugar t**ts....

Have a great one!

Intense Guy said...

Its been so long I don't even know where pantytown is...

...I don't think I broke any of the rules either...

Oh well.. cold shower time.

Syd said...

I am dying laughing. Just sent this to my brother. I am sure he has done none (or a few) of these crimes. Bwa ha ha.

B.o.B. said...

If I were a man or a lesbian I would totally propose to you right now b/c this is the BEST POST EVER.

Thank you for addressing the Ed Hardy awfulness. AND the skinny jeans AKA nut huggers.

Christopher said...

I see I need to start focusing on girls in trucker hats. Thanks for the advice.

Caty said...

all so true! You had me cracking up at some memories this pulled out-especially the dry humping...eww! and I loved the disclaimer...

Dalton said...

spot on, simply awesome!

Thom said...

ok, this made me laugh so hard. You are brilliant.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

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Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

Anonymous said...

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