Monday, November 15, 2010

Wh*re shoes. (She said it, not me.)

I was recently perusing the Sea of Pretty, also known as the shoe paradise formally known as DSW. While there I observed the following:

A 20-something couple walking down the aisles. Or, she was walking and he was trailing miserably. They are in the same trajectory of the aisles as I am so I hear all. He asks when they will be done because he doesn’t want to miss the kick off at Fox. (Fox Sports is a big sports bar in the same shopping sector.) She tells him she has to find a pair of shoes for the wedding that night. Suddenly, a light bulb goes off above his head.  Only he and I see it apparently. He offers to help her pick something out.

He sets about looking and a few minutes later returns with bright red stilettos with about a five inch heel. She reminds him this is her cousin's wedding and will be very conservative. He comes back with a bright silver heel. She shakes her head no. He then picks a black heel that ties around the leg. She tells him they look like whore shoes. He said they are his favorite shoe in the store. She suggests he just leave and she will meet him when she is done. As he turns away from her to exit, he passes me. With the BIGGEST smile on his face imaginable. I think he wanted to high five himself.

I laughed out loud. Why? Because she was duped? No. Because he used powers of manipulation to get his way? No. Because I know something she clearly does not: when shoe shopping, your boyfriend/mate/husband likely NEVER wants to join you? No. Because I think it is crazy to make someone go shopping with you when they clearly don’t want to? Yes.

JMac has an incredible sense of style and is one of the best dressed men I know. He often buys clothes for me. But we STILL do not go shopping together. WHICH, by the way, here is how you tell if someone does not want to go shopping with you in case you missed it the first 100 times you should have noticed:

You: Do you want to go shopping with me?
Them: Ummm. Erggg…. Long pause. Sure. (Stated with a sad tone and a look on the face resembling a scalded dog.)

It is about a lack of enthusiasm. How do you gauge. Try this:

You: Do you want me to parade around the house naked, speaking only to inquire if you want a back rub, another drink or if you are ready for dinner?
The other person: ABSO-F**ING- LUTELY!!!
(That answer contains enthusiasm. PS: Invitation for a shopping venture will never garner that reaction.)

And I laughed because he probably did LOVE those whore shoes. And he just saved himself from many, many future days of shoe shopping.

56 comments:

jules said...

Beautiful! I really do wonder if he knew what he was doing though!

jules said...

Beautiful! I really do wonder if he knew what he was doing! ha ha

the walking man said...

Neither one of those tactics

ummm errr ugggh

nor

ABSOeffingLutely ever worked for me.

I just hear the "get your ass in the car your driving me through the 50000000000000000000000 things and errands I have to do today"

and

"Put that damn thing away" I'll remind you when it's the third Thursday of the odd number month.

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

Hahaha! Smart, smart boy :) Love it!

TKW said...

That is a very smart man. Although I think all men just love whore shoes. And whore lingerie.

Herding Cats said...

Smart, smart guy. Seriously, he won that battle!

MommaKiss said...

I'd just like to say I've absofreakinlutely missed ya.

Eric said...

Haha,
I'll bet she probably doesn't even go shopping for spark plugs with him either.

Sigh, whore shoes.

Cara Smith said...

I have to take my husband shopping with me. He loves it and I get to frustrated by not finding what I want that I end up leaving with nothing if I don't have help.

He is my own personal shopper.

Simply Suthern said...

I really dont mind shopping for a specific item. Shoes, Dress, Impact wrench. I just dont like general shopping with no real goal. I am a buyer not a shopper. I go with her and I dont complain, much. She goes clothes shopping with me cause if she dont I get get option paralysis and I wont buy anything.

ChopperPapa said...

Twenty-something girls, so young, so dumb.

She obviously needs JennyMac wisdom to put her on the proper path...

Personally, I love shoe shopping with the Queen. Whore shoes and the higher the heels the better.

Anything but those atrocious Uggs.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Loved this post. I've seen way too many of those scenarios when shopping. I never wanted to bring anyone with me except a girlfriend who understood what shopping was all about. Good for that guy!!!

Bouncin' Barb said...

Great post. Seen that scenario way too many times. I know better!! lol.

Baloney said...

This is how my husband gets out of everything - dishes, folding laundry, shopping...
He learned early on to do a crap job and he won't be asked again.
I have not been duped, I have been worn down and given up the fight!

Ed said...

By saying conservative doesn't equal whore, you're also saying that whores are liberals?

I would agree.

Emily said...

That girl is deluding herself if she actually thought that he wanted to shop with her. Puh-lease. If I ask my husband to shop with me is immediate response is almost always, "What will I get in return?" And I'm sure you know what kind of return he's looking for. heehee.

Scrappy Girl said...

Great story...smart dude.

bluzdude said...

No question- men hate shopping with you for your clothes. (and ours.)

If I owned a womens apparel store, first thing I'd do is make a huge lounge area for men, with easy chairs, Sports Illustrateds, hunting magazines, and a TV tuned to ESPN.

That'll get the guys out of your hair and let you shop in peace for as long as you like.

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny! I love the "whore shoes." We used to call the F*ck Me shoes.

McKenzie said...

Smart man, bet he had fun at the sports bar!

Kristina P. said...

This is so true! Shopping with Adam is painful. Unless it's at the naughty store. Then he's all over it.

Cathi said...

The only person that I bring shopping with me, is me...That is the perfect way to shop (for me anyways). Have a great day, JennyMac! xxoo :)

shortmama said...

My hubs would tell me everything looked good and choose whatever...and be waiting for any opportunity to duck away. But I would never EVER take him with me anyway so its a win win!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

it's the exact opposite w/ the bf and I. He is the shopper (he's so picky) and I am in and out of the store getting only what I need to get.

Tiffany said...

That's a cute story. My husband loves to shop...I'm lucky!

Pricilla said...

I knew better than to ever ask my husband to shop.
Why should he know what I spent?

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Ha ha! I love it. Too bad they didn't have the clear plastic stripper shoes. That sends a message too. But the whore shoes worked well too.

Geeta said...

Quite amusing... well played on his part haha

KittyCat said...

Yeah I never take the sportsman shopping with me, unless its for Christmas shit.

He is too thirfty of a shopper for me.

I like to spend.

foxy said...

Smart guy! I love everything about this story. :)

injaynesworld said...

Why would anyone want their spouse or boyfriend to go shoe shopping with them? Talk about a colossal drag. That is a total girl thing which should also include lunch and chocolate martinis.

Good story!

sweethomeamy said...

Love it!! So true...I love to shop and I don't think I've ever had a guy I'm dating go with me! It's more miserable to be dragging along someone who doesn't want to be there.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My man doesn't go clothes shopping with me and I don't go to Auto Zone with him. It's a win/win.

secret agent woman said...

I much prefer shopping on my own for just this reason.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'd say his fantasy was her wearing the whore shoes with nothing else on but the shoes. But then again, maybe he just knew that his taste in shoes would get him thrown out of the shopping spree. Smart guy!

Vikki said...

Great story! My husband (when I'm delusional enough to have him with me, ever, while I'm shopping) stands 1/4" behind me the entire time, repeating "Are we done yet? Are we done yet?" Thanks for the chuckle!

Martha in PA said...

Hi - haven't visited in a long time, trying to get better about reading and commenting again!

LOL, well said. I can never understand why anyone who gets thate - Surrrre response whould think the person giving it really wants to do whatever they are being asked to do. My 13 yo gives that reply to a friend who has "stalking" tendencies toward her and she does not ever get the hint. (I have know used stalking in two blog comments tonight! YIKES!)

Wh*re Shoes reminded me of a friend who called high heeled red stilettos Come F*ck me Red Shoes....

Maria said...

Oh. My. God! I can just picture him sprinting out of that store and straight to the bar!! LOL!!

Besides, all us married girls know that men never can ooh and aah over shoes unless they share the same taste in men as we do. Ya know?

K A B L O O E Y said...

To quote Spock after T'Pring outmaneuvered him: "Logical. Flawlessly logical." Also, it was win-win for him: he either gets set loose or she buys a bangin' pair of wh*re shoes.

Elz said...

I've always wondered about women who manage to get their significant others to join them shopping. Do they want them there? Do they require approval? I can't imagine my husband shopping with me, it would be torture for him! (and me!)

Jane said...

I have an unusual husband. He loves to pick out clothes for me. About....oh.... 25 years ago, he picked out a jump suit that had holes going around the waist. Men kept stuffing money into them. (Needless to say, I prefer to shop without him.)

Paul said...

You gotta let a ho be a ho as they say in the hood...LOL

Little Ms J said...

Hubs HATES shopping with me and I hate bringing him. If it were up to him I would only wear platform stilettos, puffy jackets and pants with rhinestones on my ass. I shop alone, he shops alone. We are much happier.

Myya said...

Loved your tutorial... ABSO-F**ING- LUTELY!!!
Hilarious!

DaisyGal said...

John shops with me all the time...or just sits outside and will offer up a "I guess so" to me through the window if I ask. LOL

but most men, nope...they do NOT like the shopping of a Sunday, abhor is a good word.....;)

The Nice One said...

It's a huge leap of faith for me to assume that guy KNEW what he was doing. Men are sorta simple creatures (go ahead, throw things at me). PRetty sure he thought she MIGHT actually WEAR the ho shoes!

The only shoes I buy myself are running shoes. If I need shoes for something that are fancier than Brooks...the husband gets 'em. I realize I am probably the opposite of 99% of all women ;-)

Laura Trevey said...

I don't think my husband has EVER gone shopping with me, and we can keep it that way :)

bricci said...

Not too smart. What are the chances the fem20smthg walked out of there with two boxes in her bag for the evening?! There'd be a plethora of 'enthusiasm' for all... what's more important, impressing the wedding party, or your mate? Answer: making the kick-off at FOX, of course. Love your story Ms McJ!

Shanna said...

best story I read today. Just simply heart your blog.

HalfAsstic.com said...

As per normal procedure, you hit the nail right smack dab on the head.
EXCEPT:
I am rather freakish in that not only was a raised with the most patient father ever assembled in the way of shopping with women, ("I'll just take a nap in the car/truck while you girls go do your thang... take your time."), but then, THEN, I lucked into the worlds most patient man. He is awesome and will wander off into the men's department or where ever and then back and help me with whatever I am considering, telling me to go on in the fitting room and try it on. He then wants to see me in it and passes judgment, agreeing with me about said garment 99% of the time.
I know, something very bad is bound to happen to me in this lifetime to make all the karma balance out.
I think it's our newest puppy.

gayle said...

Cute story!! But I love it when my husband goes shopping with me. Whenever he goes with me I always end up buying more than I would have if he wasn't with me. This weekend I couldn't decide between the red coat and the black one and he say just buy both. How sweet is that!!

Kristy said...

I always want to be alone when I shop. My own pace, no worries about others and how they're feeling. Let thy boyfriend go.

Laoch of Chicago said...

You express the male agony quite well.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

My husband applies that theory to just about everything around the house. Oh you don't want all your clothes looking gray? Guess I shouldn't do laundry anymore..

Clemson Girl said...

My husband loves to shop with me. It's the weirdest thing. He'll patiently sit and wait and offer opinions on everything I try on. He likes to pick things out and put together outfits. Most of the time I always offer him an out, "want to go look at tools at Sears while I finish up?" and he always says, "no it's ok."

hotpants™ said...

All I have to say regarding this post is that it's been way too long since I've been to DSW.