Tuesday, November 23, 2010

10 simple steps to know if you are Vegas Dirty

Vegas...the world's best free carnival. We had a gorgeous time complete with incredible meals, some gambling luck, some delicious wine. We thoroughly enjoyed an adults only weekend. It is truly a combination of Sin City and the City that Never Sleeps. The hotel and casino business in Vegas is in constant motion. With the opening of City Center and the much anticipated The Cosmopolitan, the draw is no longer a 19.99 room rate and a 3.99 All You Can Eat Buffet. The restaurants are incredible including three 5 Star locations and there are more sommeliers in Vegas than any other US city.

But there is so much more to do than drink, gamble, and participate in shenanigans. I know, I know, many people trek there specifically for those purposes but for the many great people comprising the actual permanent resident population of Las Vegas, sorry. I think it is the many visitors that give Vegas its reputation as a stateside Caligula's playground. We love Wynn, Encore, and Bellagio. Ditto on Palazzo. But we went to see Rod Stewart (who at 65 is still rocking and doing it well) at the Coliseum at Caesar's Palace on night and a few pre-show cocktails and a stroll through the casino presented some serious characters. For most visitors, they might have a little dirty going on under their countenance anyway but when they go to Vegas, all that dirty gets highlighted and magnified. A phenomenon I like to call Vegas Dirty

And listen, I like to prance about and sip extra cocktails on my visits to Vegas just like the average girl. But Vegas Dirty is not about being average. I think Vegas can bring out the dirty in everyone, I after all put on lip gloss before I went to the gym one morning to work out. After brief contemplation, I decided the fact I even went to the gym, IN VEGAS, negated my silly glam move of slapping on shiny gloss at 9 am to go sweat it out in the pilates studio. But I still have a long way to go to get Vegas Dirty.

You are Vegas Dirty if:

1. You wear a bright yellow track suit jacket and matching pants, with the jacket unzipped, no shirt, sunglasses, and a hat on sideways. You also refer to everyone as "Bra" or "Son" and announce sweet sentiments like "I'd hit that..."
PS: Unless you are under the age of 20, in Eminem's music video, or Blossom (or Punky Brewster), wearing a hat on sideways as a grown adult is a universal sign of D-Baggery.

2. You play blackjack with your child in a stroller parked next to you. 

3. Your dress is so short, all your nether world is on display the minute you sit down. I know the Kardashians taught you that but not everyone wants to see your doo dads. 

4. Whatever make up is not left on the pillow from your crawl home to bed at 5 am is not rinsed off when it is time to later start your day but simply slathered over. 

5. You are out at 2 am with your fully awake infant and since you don't want to choose between beer, cigarette, or baby, and you only have two hands, you simply hold baby in one, cocktail in one, and let the cigarette dangle from your mouth.

6.  You agree to a tryst that would likely be illegal in certain countries because you believe "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Just because you saw that mantra on TV does not make it accurate. Don't believe me? Remember seeing The Lion King on TV? Lions don't really talk.

7. You sit down at the black jack table after you have clearly been overserved. You introduce yourself to the dealer first as Kimberly, then as Jessica. And you later knock your drink over before you compliment him on his hair. He is completely bald. When you get up to leave, you leave your shoes behind and proceed through the casino barefoot.

8. You wear a shirt that reads Gold Diggers. Just like wh_res, only smarter. Or if you are a man who wears a shirt emblazoned with The Legend with an arrow pointing to your bits.

9. You are the reason my receipt from one of the boutiques at Wynn included this disclaimer " Undergarments may NOT be returned."

10. You wear a t-shirt that reads Instant Sl_t. Just add alcohol. That is colossally DIRTY.

Allegedly, or what I heard from a friend: You are NOT dirty if you try to instigate some hanky panky while your husband is watching the Patriots game but you are certainly not using womanly wiles to deter him from the game by any means. He offers to turn it off and you say, no need. He is not dirty either for showing his sheer appreciation at being able to engage in aforementioned hanky panky AND watch the Patriots game, he is merely a smart opportunist because this show doesn't go on at home.

25 comments:

the walking man said...

Well there are now 10 more reasons for me not to go to Nevada again.

Kat said...

#1-10 - you listed the reasons I've never been to Vegas and really have no desire to go. Although #7 sounds like a pretty good floor show.# 8 made me gag a bit. And #5 just makes me heartsick - do they not have a CPS department in Vegas. I mean really! I'm glad you had a good weekend, and I'm so jealous that you got to see Rod Stewart! Hope that you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Kat

Stereo said...

I freakin' love this post.

I encountered Vegas dirty BIG TIME on my last trip there and I'm from the UK so it was even more amazing and disturbing to behold.

Helena Halme said...

Oh, how I'd need to get down and dirty in Vegas right now. Great post. xx

Eric said...

Hahah, #10 shirt is excellent, and no I'm not wearing my ballcap sideways as I type this.

Erin said...

While in Vegas a few weekends ago-my dad might have coined the work "sparkly fat".....yes we saw lots and lots of TIGHT sparkles that went along with point #3...

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

Haha! So very happy to report that I don't have a speck of Vegas Dirty in me. Not my favourite place to go, but I'm glad you had a great time, and enjoyed your debriefing (no relation to Item 9)!

singedwingangel said...

Roflmbo ok so now I am soooo seriously wanting to go to Vegas. Cause I might just sit in my room and people watch.. and laugh till I nearly pee myself I am sure

Allyson & Jere said...

First and foremost...I HEART the Bellagio so SO much! If I could just stay there, umm ever, and hang out in the garden/atrium thing I would go to Vegas.

That being said....

Ewwwww to the millionth degree on the grossness of people in this world, that apparently really seem to congregate in Vegas. The ones with the kids in the casinos make me sickest.

Finally, I AM glad that YOU had a great time. Even if you do somehow inexplicably like Rod Stewart.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I've never been to Vegas, but this Vegas dirty Intrigues me LOL

Christopher said...

I'm booked to head out there next year. Yellow tracksuit in tow, bruce lee style

undomestic chica said...

Sounds like you had fun. The shoeless one reminded me of being a club promoter. I never understood how girls thought they should take off their shoes to dance on the nasty floor! No matter how drunk I was I never did that!

Little Ms J said...

As a Las Vegan I appreciate your list. This is why we don't venture on to the strip during holiday weekends, New Years or any time a rodeo or conference is in town. There are more of what we call "you people" than we like to deal with at that time. We love taking your money as it gives us a good life, yummy restaurants and the best shoes in the smallest square footage. We just prefer you stick to your jungle gym while we learn the roads to dump us into casino valet without crossing over the strip or having to tangle with the monkeys.

Oh, and I'm thrilled we have what is being referred to as a "death ray" (the glass at the Aria pool), but I just wish we could point it to the bachelor party from Michigan that just asked if we wanted to be the "What stays in Vegas."

Big Fat Gini said...

Damn. And I was hoping the yellow track suit would work for me.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Good post...I just want to see it one time before I die.

KittyCat said...

Sounds like an interesting crowd.

I personally think a little hanky panky is allowed whenever.
where ever.

webb said...

1 - 10 are the reasons that Mitchell refuses to go to Vegas.. and, 10 - 1 are the reasons I am dying to go. May have to find a like-minded friend!

Eva Gallant said...

I've been to Vegas only twice, and because I'm old, I tend to be asleep when most of the dirty transpires! Gotta stay up later next time! lol

Colleen said...

Totally class. I'm glad the one about the baby included a cigarette, because otherwise I may have had to blush a bit.

Ashley Stone said...

haha so funny, and so true. I go to vegas every year for my Arbonne work conference and I think I saw all of your vegas dirty people.

Baloney said...

My latest favorite "Vegas Dirty" story was when we had to ask a lady to wait and let us walk past before she peed on the building.
It's just common courtesy.

jennykate77 said...

Back the bus up. They let babies in casinos?! That question would have only sounded better if I would have said "they let babies in a bar?"...but basically a casino is a bar.

This post cracks me up. I think I'll get my hubby a shirt that says "The Legeng" pointing to his "bits" for Christmas. Thanks for helping me out on that one.

Glad you got lucky in Vegas. ;)

Maria said...

I think that I need to get to Vegas while I can still have a little fun....like putting lip gloss BEFORE going to the gym!

Happy Thanksgiving, JennyMac!

Vivienne said...

Would you believe that I am weekend-road-trip close to Vegas, yet have never been there...? And that I am totally OK with that?

hotpants™ said...

I get short skirts and short dresses if your legs look great. What I don't get is skirts and dresses that are so short that they aren't skirts and dresses anymore. They're shirts. I don't need to see your business, skank!