Human Resources is either an asset or a challenge depending on where you work. We have friends who have long term careers in HR, and they are outstanding. I have also worked with some stellar HR departments. I have also witnessed HR tactics that should be called HM tactics. HM = Hot Mess. Outside of hiring, benefits, etc., I think HR is susceptible to a number of other responsibilities. Regardless, I would not be a great candidate for VP of HR. In fact, I would suck. There are many reasons and some I will highlight:
1. If I was the VP of HR, when someone got wasted to the point of sickness but not before they danced around singing "Come on ride the train" while slapping their own ass at the company holiday party, I would be required to keep it quiet and refrain from mocking. I would perhaps be responsible for scheduling a meeting which would include a gentle reprimand. I would NOT be allowed to include Wow, you are stupid while laughing uproariously. I would want to do that.
2. When I found out individuals were engaged in clandestine behaviors with co-workers that included late night shenanigans and playing grab ass, especially when this individual is the one individual who loved to have late night shenanigans and play grab ass. Often. With a variety of co-workers, I would be required to schedule a meeting which would include a gentle reprimand. I would NOT be allowed to include "what in the _____ were you thinking?!?!?!?!" Or, WOW, you better rinse that thing off. That statement would be hard to resist.
3. If someone called or emailed me because they didn't like how loud people were talking in their cubicles I would have to listen for myself. And only if the talking was actually loud, or obnoxious, or full of things such as "And I was like... and then she was like....and I was all no way...and she was all WHATEVER" would I even have a modicum of patience to listen to this complaint. And if the person complaining was also loud, which happens often, I would have to say something like "Let's all try to be patient with one another" instead of "You are a big baby."
4. If someone called or emailed me to tattle like "Did you know JennyMac has open-toed shoes on. AGAIN" or "Did you know that Trevor from Sales constantly drinks the coffee but never makes it" I would be required to say "I will make a note of that" instead of "Do NOT ever call me again."
5. If someone complained that the kitchen was a sty or that people were lazy and did not clean up the microwave after they use it, I would be required to say " I will leave a note reminding others that your Mom is not available to clean up after you" instead of the note I actually did write once that read: I am the tiny microwave. Why do you let your chili explode inside me? Why do you treat me so poorly? Why am I the Paris Hilton of microwaves, only pretty on the outside but super ugly on the inside? PS: Stop being *#^(@)# pigs.
6. If someone came into my office to inquire if it was permissible to blanket the entire staff through emails, phone calls, and memorandums in the break room to please buy my child's cookies/pies/wrapping paper/snowflake ornaments/magazine subscriptions I would have to assess that request. And then I would want to make a policy stating NO you can NOT do that. OR I would create a policy stating CERTAINLY BUT every single person that buys the paper/snowcone/magazine/cupholder/teddy bear from you that your child is actually supposed to be selling, obligates you to buy the same shat from them when it is their child's turn to sell it.
7. When someone sent me their resume via email and included animated emoticons in their signature line, I would be required to say, gosh, that is not a good idea. If those animated emoticons were "hugs" and "kisses" I would be required to give that candidate a fair review. Instead, I would want to reply to that email with an emoticon representing NEVER but I did not even know there were animated emoticons therefore I don't know if this particular NEVER emoticon exists. Instead, because this exact scenario happened to me last week I opted to put it on my FB page filed under You Must Be Kidding and laugh about it all day.
8. When one of my fellow HR colleagues in a moment of Crazy (or VodkaSauce) sends a note out to an entire team of a department that is being dismantled and reabsorbed into another department that includes statements like "I know you are all feeling anxiety and highly insecure but this is going to be a super move!" I would want to email that colleague and state "As far as pep talks go, you SUCK!"
And then I realize that I would be the sucky pot calling the sucky kettle black. Exactly why I would suck as the VP of HR
I will stick to law. We can often say what we want. And get paid for it. Hallelujah!