Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Why I would suck as the VP of HR

Human Resources is either an asset or a challenge depending on where you work. We have friends who have long term careers in HR, and they are outstanding. I have also worked with some stellar HR departments. I have also witnessed HR tactics that should be called HM tactics. HM = Hot Mess. Outside of hiring, benefits, etc., I think HR is susceptible to a number of other responsibilities. Regardless, I would not be a great candidate for VP of HR. In fact, I would suck. There are many reasons and some I will highlight:

1. If I was the VP of HR, when someone got wasted to the point of sickness but not before they danced around singing "Come on ride the train" while slapping their own ass at the company holiday party, I would be required to keep it quiet and refrain from mocking. I would perhaps be responsible for scheduling a meeting which would include a gentle reprimand. I would NOT be allowed to include Wow, you are stupid while laughing uproariously. I would want to do that. 

2. When I found out individuals were engaged in clandestine behaviors with co-workers that included late night shenanigans and playing grab ass, especially when this individual is the one individual who loved to have late night shenanigans and play grab ass. Often. With a variety of co-workers,  I would be required to schedule a meeting which would include a gentle reprimand. I would NOT be allowed to include "what in the _____ were you thinking?!?!?!?!"  Or, WOW, you better rinse that thing off. That statement would be hard to resist.

3. If someone called or emailed me because they didn't like how loud people were talking in their cubicles I would have to listen for myself. And only if the talking was actually loud, or obnoxious, or full of things such as "And I was like... and then she was like....and I was all no way...and she was all WHATEVER"  would I even have a modicum of patience to listen to this complaint. And if the person complaining was also loud, which happens often, I would have to say something like "Let's all try to be patient with one another" instead of "You are a big baby."

4. If someone called or emailed me to tattle like "Did you know JennyMac has open-toed shoes on. AGAIN" or "Did you know that Trevor from Sales constantly drinks the coffee but never makes it" I would be required to say "I will make a note of that" instead of "Do NOT ever call me again."

5. If someone complained that the kitchen was a sty or that people were lazy and did not clean up the microwave after they use it, I would be required to say " I will leave a note reminding others that your Mom is not available to clean up after you" instead of the note I actually did write once that read: I am the tiny microwave. Why do you let your chili explode inside me? Why do you treat me so poorly? Why am I the Paris Hilton of microwaves, only pretty on the outside but super ugly on the inside? PS: Stop being *#^(@)# pigs.

6. If someone came into my office to inquire if it was permissible to blanket the entire staff through emails, phone calls, and memorandums in the break room to please buy my child's cookies/pies/wrapping paper/snowflake ornaments/magazine subscriptions I would have to assess that request. And then I would want to make a policy stating NO you can NOT do that. OR I would create a policy stating CERTAINLY BUT every single person that buys the paper/snowcone/magazine/cupholder/teddy bear from you that your child is actually supposed to be selling, obligates you to buy the same shat from them when it is their child's turn to sell it. 

7. When someone sent me their resume via email and included animated emoticons in their signature line, I would be required to say, gosh, that is not a good idea. If those animated emoticons were "hugs" and "kisses" I would be required to give that candidate a fair review. Instead, I would want to reply to that email with an emoticon representing NEVER but I did not even know there were animated emoticons therefore I don't know if this particular NEVER emoticon exists. Instead, because this exact scenario happened to me last week I opted to put it on my FB page filed under You Must Be Kidding and laugh about it all day.

8. When one of my fellow HR colleagues in a moment of Crazy (or VodkaSauce) sends a note out to an entire team of a department that is being dismantled and reabsorbed into another department that includes statements like "I know you are all feeling anxiety and highly insecure but this is going to be a super move!" I would want to email that colleague and state "As far as pep talks go, you SUCK!"

And then I realize that I would be the sucky pot calling the sucky kettle black. Exactly why I would suck as the VP of HR

I will stick to law. We can often say what we want. And get paid for it. Hallelujah!

53 comments:

Maria said...

I love it...and for many reasons of my own, I think I would rather deal with third graders than moronic adults and their ridiculous behavior...Just saying...

Jules said...

I would have issues with people not turning shit in on time. SAME as I do now. AND having to treat adults like children. Wait. I deal with kids now. This job may be perfect for me.

Mommy Lisa said...

No way I could EVER be HR either. ha ha ha.

Simply Suthern said...

I am not a fan of HR. Just the term "Human Resources" shows how far they have moved from the people business.

If you actually sat down with the people as you said above I think you would be great as HR. Thats what people need.

HR tends to make generic rules so they dont actually have to interface with the working folk.

I know this was to be a funny post but you struck my 1 raw nerve. Yep, can ya tell I am bitter. LOL

Ellie said...

Self-employment may have it's downsides, but thankfully this isn't one of them.

SmartBear said...

Awwwesome. And I have to agree with the microwave bit whole heartedly. People ask me how I do my work with kids and I tell them it's because adults are big, whiny, stubborn ass babies.
Best,
Tina

BigSis said...

That pretty much sums up why I call myself a Corporate Babysitter instead of the VP of HR...

Slamdunk said...

Great observation with the microwave/kitchen messiness issue. Our HR director visited the kitchen frequently and she would go off once or twice a year on that issue.

In general, I think the HR folks where I have worked all had a cloaking power or something--when there was an important issue, they seemed to effectively disappear and only the boss could make contact with them.

Eva Gallant said...

Whoa....guess I wouldn't be good at that job either!

TKW said...

All items are funny, but I love the "Paris Hilton of Microwaves" letter!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

hubby was VP of HR and he said it was so different from what it was like when he started. Called it babysitting adults and decided to walk away. He especially loved the whiners and the 20 somethings with self entitlement issues.

So now he works his own hours for himself and is out of corporate America. He's happier. Wife, missing the money,not so much. :-)
but something to be said for a happy hubby.

Mrs. Lopez said...

My husband just started an HR position today so I'm interested to see if any of these things come up.

The Boob Nazi said...

I would also suck in HR. That's all I can say about that.

Michael Rivers said...

Very good reasons. I'm not sure I'd be good at VP either. Best not to find out. :-)

Scraps said...

As the bookkeeper of a small corporation the HR duties also fall to me and, well... Yes to all of the above.

EXCEPT! I have cussed out an employee for being an idiot (same employee on more than one occasion) and haven't had to apologize nearly as many times. And we do leave messages on the microwave about cleaning up after yourself, lol.

Kristina P. said...

HR must be hilarious and frustrating, all rolled up into one.

Molly Malone said...

I bloody HATE emoticons in work emails... and I HATE the use of LOL anywhere... those people should be shot!

Intense Guy said...

I knew two of the best HR folks in the business when I worked as a corporate cube rat. Sandra and Sue were awesome!!!!!

I also knew one of the worse. They made the daily scene from "The Office" television show seem tame and stale.

I wouldn't want the job in a zabillion years.

brainella said...

People actually call HR to complain about that stuff? Holy hell.

The only thing I ever called HR to complain about was getting canned while on maternity leave. THAT pissed me off.

Jen said...

Yeah, HR ppl are saints.

LouBoo said...

Hi - I work in HR! Eeeekk and Kristina P has it down to a tee - hilarious and great dinner party conversation, whilst frustrating beyond belief! Well observed as ever Jenny Mac! Lou x

Joann Mannix said...

Since I am pretty much of the short tempered attitude of "People are Imbeciles", I would really, really suck at the job.

And I would also bequeath myself with another title, the one of "Fashion Police" and anyone who dared to show up in elastic waisted polyester or too tight pants subjecting the rest of the company to blinding visionary pain or anyone clothed in large prints of the floral or animal variety would be booted out on the street until they came back in more suitable attire.

Sweet Charity said...

I actualy do have a cubicle neighbor who talks JUST like that, "I was like, and ah mah gah". I want to jump over the cubicle wall and strangle her most days. Instead, I put my earphones in and listen to Pandora Radio, so that I will not have to resort to assault.

Big Fat Gini said...

Think about it. The business world would be a much better place if you were. And then, you'd be the It Girl of the industry.

Fragrant Liar said...

I would have to take the bullying office supervisor, put her in a room with no windows, and tie her to the chair. Then I'd have to invite in everyone she'd ever bullied before, one at a time.

Of course, I'd make them all sign gag orders first. CYA is the first rule of business.

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

I was an HR Manager for 10 years pre-babies and all of these things were what made it so easy to quit! Adults can be way worse than children, that's for sure! I worked for 2 of the different "big 5" accounting firms and boy do I have some stories. Come to think of it, maybe I should post those on my blog! :)

The Savage said...

I busted out laughing when I read this little gem, "Why do you let your chili explode inside me?"

Why would I find that so funny?
As you may know, certain English words and phrases are words and phrases in other languages and usually mean much different things.

Chili in Guamanian means penis....

Heidi said...

Ha! This is hilarious...as a teacher, I often feel like the VP of HR...dealing with students and parents all day. I wish I wasn't such a wienie and could actually say the sassy things I wanted to say!

Herding Cats said...

I think I would need to drink A LOT of wine in order to survive HR.

Oh, wait, I'm a teacher. Never mind.

J.J. in L.A. said...

A cousin is VP of HR in her company. A delivery driver handed her a handicap parking ticket, saying, "You need to pay this"...

She: No I don't. I didn't break the law. Why did you park there?

He: I was running behind.

She: Too bad.

He: Aww, come on! It's just a parking space.

She: Tell that to my cousin in CA who uses a wheelchair and hates people like you.

He: So you're not going to pay it?

She: Get out of my office.

Mighty M said...

We need a reality show "The Secrets of HR". Stat! :)

Leah Rubin said...

I'm with you, woman! The main thing I hated about my job (management in health care) was the personnel stuff with my staff... People with attendance problems, people with bad attitudes, people not doing their jobs, people lying, people STEALING! Gross! Get me out of there. Oh. Wait. I DID get out of there. Retirement is lovely...

Christine Macdonald said...

will you come work for my company in Newport Beach, California? We need someone like you! :)

xxxooo

the walking man said...

9. You in no situation would ever be able to say "Go peddle that crazy somewhere else."

My name is PJ. said...

MWAHAHAHA! The best HR VPs would be former Kindergarten teachers.

shortmama said...

And I was all like Oh Em Gee...I could never do it either...whatever

Joshua said...

And I laugh and laugh because we all know you're right. ;^)

carma said...

Amen about the selling crap for your kid's school by guilting co-workers. And how glad am I that my son's new school doesn't do this type of fundraiser!!

p.s. I really do think you need to be in HR.

webb said...

You make my job sound SO much more fun than I realized! Many thanks. (Oh, and we DO think all of those thoughts... and say them to other HR folks!)

secret agent woman said...

Yeah, diplomacy is so boring.

secret agent woman said...

Yeah, diplomacy is so boring.

Natalie said...

All I have to say is that as a former HR Manager, this cracked me up! And like webb said, we talk about all that stuff to other HR people ;)

Michele R said...

Thanks for the great reminder that I never want to work in a company again that is big enough to have an HR person! (I work in a small company and I paid my dues for the big ones).

DaisyGal said...

your note about the microwave is probably going to get me investigated with HR for laughing so hard and spitting Diet COke on my keyboard (and then John will refuse to give me yet another keyboard etc..LOL)

you are sooo funny my friend.
xoxox (they are ok here...right? ) xoxox

:)

Baloney said...

I could totally do this HR gig - but I would have an anonymous blog to rat them out.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Hysterical!

Anonymous said...

RE: #3 clearly you have an office. :) I just moved from a quiet corner cubicle that was almost office-like to a loud cubicle in the middle of the busiest part of the office. I can hear the kitchen, everybody who walks in and has a chat at my cube before splitting ways, the dude who drones in the meetings he holds in his cube on the other side of me, the guy who holds meetings and speakerphone calls in his office with the door open. It has greatly affected my concentration level. I wouldn't complain to HR but I really want my old spot back!

Stephen Tremp said...

LOL! I could never be a HR manager ... ever. I would have a picture of Sylvester the Cat saying, "Could you please take your piddly ass problems down the hall."

Stephen Tremp

Anonymous said...

Hilarious.

Shanna said...

What happened to my comment? I love this post!

Dr. Cynicism said...

Hahaha... "Or, WOW, you better rinse that thing off." Snorted my glass of Scotch after that line. Thanks! Great blog by the way!

Vodka Logic said...

Why do I get the feeling some of these are actual events not just your really good imagination.

I would suck at it too and having been involved in reprimands that involved HR.. I know for a fact they do not represent humans at all but management, who we all know are not human. (sorry if you are management) XX

HalfAsstic.com said...

H.R.= Hearing Regurgitation.