Friday, August 13, 2010

My arse has had enough!

One morning in Seattle last week, I load MiniMac and the off-roading stroller for a quick drive. Growing up in this area, I was delighted when a 30+ mile black-top covered trail was built to ride/run/skate on. About one mile from my Mom's house, a perfect path cut through green and beautiful country, every morning as we set out to run, 0ur immediate view included wild blackberries, a river, endless flowers, deer, and horses.

Might I insert a point here? Back in the day, our parents' property had a full range of nature. And our exposure to everything from deer to polliwogs was common. While our playful adventures led us in and out of the woods and weeds, my brothers fell into all kinds of mayhem. I pride myself that I, on no such occasion, let nature get the best of me. This means not a bee sting or a snake bite or anything in between.   

Which is why I relate the following ordeal with just a touch of a frowny face. 

I am putting in serious mileage so 50 minutes into our run, I realize we are about due for the toddler’s potty break. It is not like the path runs through caves and caverns or other private spots; this is a path visible from many houses and cars as well as littered with other runners, walkers, cyclists. Potty break will demand some cleverness since I need to go as well. 

During my stake out for an appropriate hiding spot, I opt to turn down a long driveway. Well hello building crew! I turn back. I am not an outdoor facilities kind of girl as I have previously pointed out but it will take a minimum of 50 minutes to return to the car so I set my preferences aside. I finally see a brief stretch of road that goes far below the path. It is intended for horses but I am game. I scurry MiniMac down this grass-strewn road and get him to close to the bushes. As I have my eagle eye on him, I also scurry, drop, and go myself. 

And since I am wearing my beloved Nikes with built in iPod mileage tracker, I give a wider stance than Larry Craig to ensure not a single droplet hits my shoes. You also know how I feel about pee on my shoes! And while I certainly gave a cursory glance to my immediate surroundings to ensure the area free of snakes or slugs, I did not do a full SWAT team recon. I feel a little poke in the side of my biscuit and assume I overlooked a small stick. I hurry, pick up the munchkin, and return to the path.

Within a few seconds, I get a strange feeling. The reason? At first, I was not certain. Give it a minute and all the mystery was solved. How? Because the entire left side  of my arse is basically ON FIRE. I stop and take a peek.    My tail end is covered in welts. Uh-oh. I know those welts. OMG I sat on STINGING NETTLES.  

OUCH. And son of a *&$%*.   

Stinging nettles are a perennial flowering plant with stinging hairs all over the leaves and stems. And in my fervor to hurry, I crouched near a plant. Are you ________ kidding me? Do you know what stinging nettles feel like? Stick your ass in hot lava. Now you know. I am almost 5 miles to the car. Fine. I will run with a stinging, burned biscuit. Grimacing all the time, it felt like the last 5 miles felt like the equivalent of 50. 

I get to the car and worsen my situation when I am done, load up the SUV, and burn my tush further on the very hot front seat of the car. EGADS.

I get home and ask my Mom is she remembers stinging nettles. She looks at me like I asked if she remembers evergreen trees. Of course she remembers. I also ask her if she remembers I never ONCE had a case of welts from stinging nettles. She immediately becomes concerned for her grandson. I confirm he is welt free, I on the other hand had a bit of a run in and will tell her about it if she assures me she will not laugh. She assures me. She laughs anyway. She retrieves some Aloe Vera spray. Ta da! I spray it liberally. Within 1 minute, the entire left side of my arse is f-r-o-z-e-n. BRRRRRRRRR. I grab the bottle and read closely: Aloe Vera. With LIDOCAINE.

Are you further ____ kidding me? My fault for not reading. And yes, freezing should feel better than burning. But no, in fact, it does not. My Mom, as an olive branch for laughing at my expense, offers a cold drink. We take lemonade and go sit on her back porch. MiniMac is busy watering her giant flowers and mint (and the fence) with her garden hose. He busies himself as well by flipping the dial between the six settings. I go help him adjust the setting to power stream and as I turn, he does something he has never done: points the hose at my retreating back and pulls the trigger. Full stream ahead! Unfortunately, he missed my back but did hit just below my back. My burning/stinging/frozen tush. The target for a kung-fu like stream of water. At that point, my arse was about to develop a voice like Tony Soprano and say SOMEONE BETTER GIVE ME A BREAK. 

At that point, since all of this occured in the SAME DAY, I had enough. And so had my arse. Literally. 
PS: No amount of wine consumption relieves stinging nettles.

56 comments:

Chez Zizi said...

I am sorry but I had to laugh too. I believe MiniMac may have got part of your convo with your mom and wanted to "help" the situation with the hose. Sorry the wine did not help. HAve a great weekend.
Zizette

AmyLK said...

Oh my! I'm not laughing! I promise! :) I hope you are feeling better now! I bet tequilla would have helped! LOL

singedwingangel said...

Ouch you poor thing.. Umm maybe son head you sayd your butt as on fie?

Matty said...

Jen, this is just too funny. Well, for me as the reader anyway. This was just not your day. Sounds like you had a bulls eye on your backside that day and didn't know it. I hope you and your "arse" are feeling better now.

SmartBear said...

How in the world do you get yourself into these situations? Stinging nettles? That is so funny. But seriously, I hope your ass feels better.
Tina

jojo said...

"biscuit" OMG, I just don't know what to say...oy, and I'm not laughing either.
I grew up around here too and those buggers are everywhere on the trails. I used to get them on my legs all the time...ack, sorry. Have a good weekend and be careful with the "arse."

Andrea said...

Umm, OUCH! And...laughter...so sorry, I couldn't help it!

Intense Guy said...

As I often walk in the feilds and less forested woods I often encounter stinging nettles (usually on my lower legs though) and know they sting like etch ee double el.

Poor you - I don't know any cure for them other than to wait it out...

Intense Guy said...

I just looked around and found this:

"The most effective neutralizer for the acidic sting of the stinging nettle is a paste made from baking soda and water. Applied to the area of the rash immediately after contact."

I'll have to try that - I suppose next time will come to me before it does you!

Jules said...

Oh, JennyMac.........I don't even know what to say to this........

TKW said...

But the iPod was safe, right? That's all that matters. I know, I know, tell that to your stinging arse.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Wine may not relieve stinging nettles but it sure does numb the pain....

have a great weekend.

Mighty M said...

OUCH! Stick to the treadmill!! :)

Nat said...

Hahaha! I am so sorry for you...the same thing happened to me once, hiking in the French Alps....nature called and I thought I'd found a great spot behind a shepherd's hut. Didn't look behind me as as I was squatting down and wham! Arse onto stinging nettles! Nothing would take away the burn!
Nowadays I carry a She Wee with me....can pee straight up like a dude :-)
http://justaboutnat.blogspot.com/2010/04/getting-pissy.html

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, Honey, I am laughing and nodding in an "I feel your pain" kind of way. Sorry. Stinging nettles are the worst, the absolute worst. And I've only had them on my foot. I can't imagine what it must feel like on your arse.

And wine, wine just helps everything, doesn't it?

Courtney said...

Ouch!! I've never heard of those, but gosh it sounds so painful!

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

HAHAHA!! OMG. Well, JM, that's something you and I share. I did the same thing, doing the same thing, (although hiking; unless someone's chasing me, I don't run) with my (then) three year old daughter. She was fine too. 13 years ago, and I still remember it *quite* clearly. I only WISH I'd had lidocaine then!

Allyson & Jere said...

I mean really....as if having to drop trou in a public place wasn't humiliation enough, you had to go and find the meanest bush of all times. Quite sorry for your suffering. In other news, congrats and good on ya for your insanely long run! SHEESH!

Hope your bum bum is feeling better.

Baloney said...

I've never heard of those? Ouch!
One more reason I'd rather pee my pants than squat in nature. :)

Eva Gallant said...

Oh my, not fun! I think you just didn't drink enough wine! hope you're arse is better now!

VE said...

I'm going to one-up you here. I wiped my arse with poison oak because I'd forgotten the TP. No...I didn't KNOW it was poison oak...just like I'm sure you didn't seek out nettles to sit upon...

Scraps said...

That's adding all sorts of insult to injury, right there.

Having never encountered stinging nettles (and my indoor-tendencies tend to suggest I did not just jinx myself) I can't imagine the sting but I am familiar with Lidocaine and, yeah... that's almost as bad as the injury that requires it in the first place!

foxy said...

I've never in my life heard of anything called Stinging Nettles, but it sounds like something I would find in Harry Potter. :)

DaisyGal said...

OMG JENNY, I am not laughing, I mean I'm not laughing a lot....considering that inside I am practically hyperventilating with the visuals of this....
but at least it wasn't a SNAKE...because that would have been worse...maybe, I don't know it's not my arse.

hope you and your tush are feeling better my friend. OMG, the tears...sad ones for you..of course ;)

Writing Without Periods! said...

Hope you feel better. Happy Friday.
Mary

Sara said...

Peeing on yourself would have solved the problem. True story. Many a run-in with stinging nettles and we, well, we peed on ourselves or had someone pee on us. We were little, we thought it was normal...I can't defend it, BUT it works.

I'm not laughing at all. Your poor bum. Hope the iPod was safe.

Emily said...

O.M.G. Your poor fanny. I'm trying very hard not to laugh. So far, I'm failing. Maybe if you had tried something stronger than wine you would have felt better? ;)

Pricilla said...

Dare I say I'm laughing my a$$ off?

Herding Cats said...

Oh my god....I'm sorry, that's too funny! Your poor butt! This is the kind of thing that happens to me weekly. Oh mishaps! They make such funny stories but are so unfortunate!

Single Dad Laughing said...

Hahaha, love it! At least you weren't doing a twosie and grabbed it for use as toilet paper!

Single Dad Laughing

Maria said...

If I ever find myself in a drop and squat situation, I will make sure to have a complete visual of where I am squatting. Please don't be mad, but it was exactly the laugh that I needed to day!

Lucy said...

Oh. No. I also live in Seattle and I also have been "gotten" by the stinging nettles. I can only imagine how it must feel on the arse.

And I'm intrigued by the 30+ mile of black-top covered trail. Where is this?? Can you please enlighten me? Me, my baby, and our BOB stroller would like to pay a visit.

DeNae said...

One more reason not to take up running. See? Fitness kills.

I'm surprised your story didn't end with, "And then the blackberries took MiniMac hostage and I never saw him again." When we lived up there, we called them "wait-a-minute" bushes, because they grab you as you walk by. My husband took a machete and thick work gloves out to the yard one day to tame the beasts, and came back in a few hours later, scratched and bleeding, and announced that there was a full-grown tree back there that we had never seen before. Completely overrun by blackberry bushes.

Can I tell you how jealous I am that you've been up there this summer? Hope you were able to take MiniMac down to see the big ships over SeaFair Weekend!

Kat said...

Oh, yikes and triple ouch! I've only had those nasty welts on my foot and it's unbelievable how painful they are. From such a fairly innocent looking plant. I can't even imagine how painful they are on the butt! At least you got a great story out of it. And your mom got a good laugh :)

Wishing 4 One said...

OMG I am so lauhing, sorry. But you know had I ever had to go outside that would so happen to me, I am not a pee outside type at all, but sometimes you just have to do it, and if I did my ass would have sat on those stinging pricks too. Found you today via Kirs Corner, glad to add you to blogroll girl!

Jennifer said...

ZOMG- I am so sorry for your butt!!! And it's really cute that you called it a biscuit. he he he

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Oh no! I hate to laugh at your expense because it sounds painful but what the heck do those look like? I wonder if they have stinging nettles in Oregon? Looks like a google search is in order.

J.J. said...

Take comfort in that you didn't sit ass-flat on a bee like someone I know.

Btw, I hope you forgave your mom for laughing because you'll have to forgive me too. lol!

vanilla said...

I recall without joy that nettles were counterbalance to the pleasures of living in the PNW.

Hope your misery is short-lived.

Ed said...

Never turn your back when a boy is holding a hose.

You will end up with a wet and sore ass.

I learned that in prison.

Dumblond said...

You should have tried the hard stuff. Jack Daniels is my go-to guy for pain management.
Stinging nettles are the worst though...But maybe it was payback for peeing on them!

Debbie said...

What a painful situation and however did you tell it with such humor? Have a little more wine. You deserve it.

shortmama said...

OUCH!!!

And what the heck are polliwogs?

Myya said...

First off... Holy hell that is A LOT of running! Ahhh polliwogs... seriously how fun were those when we were kids!!! So sucky about your bum, made for a great story though :)

My name is PJ. said...

When it rains, it pours?

You poor thing. Your arse ran the entire gambit.

Kristy said...

Oh no!!!! You poor thing. But what a great story - too perfect! Sorry we are benefiting from your pain. Loved the detail about wide stance and ipod, great!

Shop Girl* said...

Hahahahhahaha ohhhhh my gosh.

And THAT, is why I don't pee outside. That sounds SO painful... at least your mother was able to offer you a cold drink. My family would have been laughing too hard to even get me the aloe vera! haha

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

Owww! Your poor little hiney! I usually hit the hard stuff, ie. vodka, when I need any type of pain to disappear. It tends to work :)

secret agent woman said...

Yikes! I have never encountered stinging nettles but I always imagined they'd feel like jellyfish.

secret agent woman said...

Yikes! I have never encountered stinging nettles but I always imagined they'd feel like jellyfish.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

I have never ever heard of stinging nettles.....I'm afraid that if I look them up and see what they really are......I may never park my behind down on anything ever again!

leigh said...

I totally just laughed at you. Sorry.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Hope your ass has recovered.

HalfAsstic.com said...

You should know that, by tomorrow I should be completely over the guilt I feel for laughing through your..."ass-inine" situation.
I hope you are better, as well!

Marcy said...

OK...you may not believe this...but my mom was so poor as a kid they actually ATE nettles.

(maybe "stinging" nettles are a different west coast breed...as we have always referred to them as plain ol' nettles. nevertheless, i wouldn't want to eat any kind of ditch weed).

McKenzie said...

I couldn't help but laugh! We have tons of stinging nettles near where I live, luckily I haven't had a run in with them yet. Hope your back end is feeling better!!