Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Here is your special powerpoint

I try to remain calm and collected during my workday. I am lucky to work with many talented, interesting and kind people. I don't think negatively. I don't read tone into every email I see even when I believe they are slightly damp with tone. I try not to react in kind. I try to assume that some people are distracted or perhaps are having a bad day.

But I also know that some people suck. This is about one of those people.

First, since I would never write about anyone in my office (right? right.) we can assume this incident took place at another place I spend a lot of time and get paid to do so. Allegedly. 

My oh my, I am just full of legal disclaimers today. 

Yesterday, I am in the midst of dealing with an ongoing difficult situation that has allegedly caused my non-boss to drop the F bomb and not in a good way like "F YEAH I GOT TICKETS TO THE MASTERS" but instead, drop it in an ugly and harsh way as a direct result of this ongoing and difficult situation. You know it's bad when my admin asks if our next memo to the people responsible for this difficult deal can include a subject line that reads: You can suck it.

As I am rubbing my temple over this, I get a knock on my partially closed door and an unknown person walks in. By the way, the secret code of conduct that is not actually SECRET is that you knock. PAUSE. And then enter.

A woman asks me if I know where she can find the office of Mr. X. I have never heard this name so I reply, "I am sorry, who is Mr. X?" 

Her first response is quite a look. And then the explanation that he is ONLY the head of  (dept) for all of (corporation) but her tone was more like he is ONLY the KING of the UNIVERSE. And then she said, "You know, that is really something you ought to know. In fact, there is a powerpoint of the org chart I can send you."

Because many people think a powerpoint slide is the answer to everything.

And while I am not fluent, I have been known to speak La Bitchilita a time or two so I was able to absorb all her intonation and meaning.

I promise you, I know every important name there is to know in the years I have been in this role. But, I also want to be helpful and let her find the person she is seeking.  I inquire if there are any known associates of his we can locate. She rattles off more names I have never heard of and is QUITE exasperated. Umm, Meryl, the auditions for female melodramatist are not until tomorrow at noon. 

Instead, I opt for the front desk. Oh, look at that, Mr.X is not only NOT on my floor, he is NOT in my building, and he is NOT at this corporation. He left a year ago. 

I let her know this information not with my bitchybritches slapped on tight but in my most polished kill them with kindness voice.

Her response? Oh. Yes, really, her response after all that was simply: Oh.

The beautiful aspect of this exchange is she was easily rinsed away from my mind with a glass of Petite Sirah. Yet no amount of wine (or vodka or tequila) is going to shake La Bitchilita from her soul.

But our conversation did lack several important sentences:

Her: Sorry I was a _____-ing  _______!

Me: Oh, before you go, there is something you really ought to know too.  I have a special powerpoint for you. It starts with bless your heart and ends with kiss my arse.

97 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

I think we have all met this lady at one point. I believe I work for her.

I love the word arse sounds so much nicer than ass, the British swear much better than we do.

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo Ok see I looked at this totally differently. I was thinking wow she is seriously gunning for a promotion to know all that info.. like a flipping walking encyclopedia of this particular person's life.. and then the let down BWAHAHAHA bet she felt a bit like good ole Monica Lewinsky in that moment lol

Brian Miller said...

hahaha. that closing line is hillarious...i may have to use that...

Pam said...

Favorite post ever. Perhaps because I know a lot of people who suck.

Intense Guy said...

Ahhh, a complete episode of the TV show "Office" in the making!

Someone needs to get on it and update that powerpoint file! (Ugh, I hate powerpoint e-mails)

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh well held honey, total class. I think I might just have been frothing at the mouth... Lovin' the last line.
xoxo

the walking man said...

The reason why you professional workers have such a hard time is because you need to develop diplomacy and office etiquette.

If you were an auto mechanic for example you would simply turn your back to the offending miscreant, drop trousers and mark an X on the spot, using the ink pen you would eventually fill out the repair bill with, and let them know where they had to place their lips in order for you to fix their Volvo, Jaguar or Porsche.

mo.stoneskin said...

I hate the condescending lines that start with "You know, you really...". In an ideal world there would be a axe-wielding goblin that sought such offenders out and dealt with them swiftly.

Lauren said...

You showed more grace under pressure than I would have been able to!

Jules said...

You know, I have a Powerpoint on how to speak La Bitchilita correctly and fluently. I'll send it to you.

Deeps!! said...

i have ppl like that @ my work place!!

Dual Mom said...

Huh...this lady calls my office at least twice a day......everyday. And people wonder why I drink.

You handled it quite well. Be proud!

af1blog said...

Clearly the woman is practicing to go into politics.

Don't we all just luurrrv people like that? NOT! :)

Menopausal New Mom said...

Handled beautifully by you! Bet she won't get over that embarrassment for a long while Lol!

Stacey said...

I work in a company of 200K people and many times people throw out names like I should totally know who they are. Even looking them up in our directory doesn't really tell me who they are and what they do. But at least we can't look them up in the directory if they aren't working at the company any more :-)

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

hahaha, I adore you :)

The Boob Nazi said...

I wouldn't have been so nice.

KatiePerk said...

BRILLIANT!!

Cara Smith said...

I think nearly everyone has experienced this person in one form or another.

Oh and miss, you might want to update that powerpoint...assuming you have the access to do it.

Mighty M said...

Well, you stunned her silent. That is good for something even if you didn't get that much deserved apology!

She Who Sasses said...

in hopes that you watch Family Guy

"Live Long and SUCK IT!!!!!!!!"

I dislike people like that. However, the satisfaction of "Oh.." is GREAT!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I'm with Vodka Logic, the British version sounds so much nice. Like Bloody Hell. Sounds sophisticated, no? I loved being able to get away with that when we lived in Europe. I think I wouldn't have been quite so nice as you to your visitor.

Liza said...

"La Bichilita!" Perfect! A new word to add to my vocabulary!

Ed said...

I would have slapped that bitch in the trash talker.

She's lucky it was you and not me.

And she's lucky I don't hit women.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

HAHAHA!! My mom loves to say "bless your heart" when she's getting ready to insult someone. Love it!

Rachel said...

I'm all for taking a bitch out with words, but I think in this situation, the way you handled it made her more embarassed. Its almost like you knew the whole time that he wasn't there, but wanted to make her look like an idiot.. which she did. Well done :)

Khak said...

I love this! So funny. One of the best characteristics a person can have is to admit when they are wrong. Apparently, this woman does not have this characteristic.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

And you'd hope that this woman learned her lesson, but you know she is so self-absorbed she will forget her embarrassment before the day is over.

Johana Hill said...

La Bitchilita! Oh yes! That's the word of the day, if not for the week! ;p

Yankee Girl said...

Bitchy know-it-alls are the worst! I am so glad you were able to (kindly) stick it to her.

Aging Mommy said...

Sounds like the sort of person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good about themselves. Pointless, but for some people that is just how they deal in life. But if you're going to be like that then you have to get things right yourself - bet she cried all the way back to her little cubby hole where she will spend the rest of her life dreaming of promotion but never getting anywhere with that attitude. As they say, don't let the ******** get you down!!

Herding Cats said...

Oooh La Bitchilita! I have a Masters in that (or, at least, I should...)

Secretia said...

It is like magic when you're nice to people, they usually turn nice themselves. But some bitches need to get slapped hard!

Secretia

Mrs Montoya said...

Is it even possible for you to keep getting better? Smart, sassy and full of class -- even if you are mumbling la bitchilita in your mind. Way to go, Jenny Mac!

Buckeroomama said...

I wonder how good she felt after she realized her mistake. :)

Simply Suthern said...

Sounds like her Org chart was a bit off. I wonder if she is still on the Org chart.

Aint the South great. AS long as you Put Bless her Heart in front you can say anything you want afterward and it still sounds so nice.

Babes Mami said...

Suck it. Suck it hard. That's a favorite of mine via Chelsea Handler. Who happens to be my mega girl crush. Random fyi I suppose. :]

Bossy Betty said...

Next time, tell you you have a Power Point for her. Extend your middle finger and Point her out the door!

Eva Gallant said...

OOOOh! How to put her in her place! lol I probably would have said something snide like, "You really should have known that!"

Barbaloot said...

Ha-I would've asked her after that if she still had the power point. Just in case I needed to refer to it in the future.

Kat said...

Oh, you handled that situation with so much class :)

Kristina P. said...

This is like when I cut someone off, and they give me the finger, and I just smile and wave at them.

Get's em everytime!

Chez Zizi said...

So funny, I love it La Bitchitlita!! You crack me up. Those are the ones you need to put in their place.

Zizette

McVal said...

LOL! Can I borrow your new Powerpoint?! I have a few people who would benefit from that knowledge...

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

I think that woman used to be my boss. I wondered what happened to her.

My name is PJ. said...

"when my admin asks if our next memo to the people responsible for this difficult deal can include a subject line that reads: You can suck it."

I was only chuckling until I hit that sentence and then it was full on belly laughs the whole rest of the ride! Can we do it again??!!

Frugal Vicki said...

Hey! I just got off the phone with her. She calls me at least five times a day. Grrrr

MsDarkstar said...

I hope she enjoys her slice of humble pie served up on the org chart plate.

I've worked as Admin. Support so much of my life that I've encountered La Bitchilita on a nearly daily basis. Because people assume that if you are "just" an Admin, you're stupid/an inferior human being and therefore they can break out the bitchcakes with you because you don't matter. That she had that 'tude with someone who had an actual office with a door is ridiculous.

M-Cat said...

La Bichilita - my new favorite!

Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

Ugh!!! I've totally met people like that too..

WannabeVirginia W. said...

La Bitchilita. Yes! new word for my vocab. I am learning more useful stuff on the internets that grad school.

foxy said...

If only those last two sentences could have actually been part of the conversation... some people can be such a-holes!!

NotJustAnotherJen said...

It's moments like these when I think blogs are such a blessing. You worked it out well, girlfriend. Thanks for keeping it real and keeping me laughing.

Slamdunk said...

You have a great way of handling difficult folks sort of like Jesus telling parables--they are interesting upon receipt but then explode in the listeners mind later.

Slamdunk said...

Blogger ate my previous attempt so here is the summary...

I like the way you handle people. It reminds me of Jesus telling parables--the recipient hears the interesting comment, but it does not explode in their mind until later.

Little Ms Blogger said...

She didn't apologize? What a jerk!

She should not be allowed back on your floor until her powerpoint is updated....

Debbie said...

I am so loving this! You do tell a good tale.

obladi oblada said...

LOl...I love it when @$&holes make themselves look stupid. I would have had to smirk in her face. Good for you for showing such restraint. People do suck sometimes.

DeNae said...

Well played, Jenny! The news that senor emperor of the universe wasn't even sweeping up the break room any more could only have been delivered in that, "I'm helping you because you are clearly deficient in some pitiable way" tone. Anything more hostile would have been much easier for her to swallow, right? "Ha! Now we're BOTH being hateful!"

And honestly, what else could she say and still be her? "Oh, I knew that. I just have a few extra power point slides I'm itching to foist off on some unsuspecting sap like yourself?"

Nope. "Oh" was all there was left.

Absolutely priceless!!

Leiah said...

La Bitchilita - one that WILL be added to my vocabulary. The other day my sweet mama gave em the nicest compliment I think I've ever received. She said I had this wonderful ability to smile at someone and tell them to go to Hell in such a sweet way that they actually wanted to go and they would be many miles down the road before they stopped and thought to themselves, "Did she just break that off in there?" I had to say, it was the highlight of my day.

kathryn said...

Love it!

Uh huh....and don't you find yourself replaying the end of that cosmic-judicial scene over...and over? Just a little bit?

With all that snooty attitude, you didn't really expect her to apologize...did you?

HalfAsstic.com said...

I would pay real money to have seen you say that to her, too! ;-)

Toe said...

Ugh, I hate holier than thou people. Sounds like you handled the situation quite well.

Pricilla said...

Aaah, but the satisfaction of knowing who won the war is so wonderful.

I'm Jane said...

Love it! Especially since I'm at work...with my door partially closed...

sharonheg said...

I LOVE conversations like that, where everyone knows that I won, even if it hasn't been said that I won.

Sometimes I rub it in that I won. Because I to speak more than a little of La Bitchilita, myself. But I save it for REALLY good circumstances...

Jennifer said...

Clearly, you only dabble in la Bichilita... Because I definitely would have sent her off with a head tilt, shrugged shoulders, and raised eyebrows (don't know if I can describe the right look) and a comment like, "Maybe you should work on that powerpoint a little more." and then a stifled laugh to top it off. You are a better woman than I.

ThatGirl39 said...

If only I had worked with more people like you in my 15 year run at the corporate world! But seriously, I don't get people with an attitude like that! But fear not, both you, I and the glass of Petite Sirah know that La Bitchilita will get what's coming to her - they all do in the end! Hope her ears are burning! x

foolish heart said...

Bitchilita! great word and perfect description. I know so many of those...and thanks for the laugh today!

Myya said...

ha ha ha you crack me up! I'd love to have been a fly on your wall :)

Janet said...

I think I work with that woman's sister.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

What a troll. I'd be tempted to sweetly tell her she should go see a doctor ASAP before that pole up her ass ruptured something.

I once had this woman who would call four times a day and insist a certain executive who works for AOL (i.e., NOT my workplace) worked there and that I should know him because I HAVE HIS NUMBER! I would assure her "Ma'am I can promise you, this is MY number and that gentleman doesn't even work for my company." at which point she'd snap "Well, WHERE IS HE THEN? Put me through to him immediately." like I know every effing person in the whole effing world and in fact, operated their phone answering service.

WOW, even though this was about eight years ago it still gets my hackles up thinking about it.

Pass the tequila.

Clemson Girl said...

That disease bitchilosis must be going around because I had a customer try to throw me under the bus and cc'ed my boss on the email. Too bad I whipped out another email proving her wrong and me right AND THEN my boss defended me AND told our head top dog boss about how awesome I am. In. Your. Face. Jerkoff.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Wow. You definitely took the high road. She didn't deserve it but like you said it is better for your soul.

J.J. said...

I love when that happens!!! lol!

blueviolet said...

Why are you not the president of this alleged business?

Me....bunny said...

Power is a wonderful thing...when your NOT bitchilita...lol


Bless your heart!

tootles,
bunny

wendy said...

I am laughing...how many times have I wanted to speak Bitcheralla!!
some people as just sooooo DIFFICULT you literally want to smack them

funny how NO apologies often come from those who NEED to apologize.
it would be soooo beneath them

whatevah

Jaime said...

attorneys must always be fluent in la bitchilita, as well as kill them with kindness. i had to speak in both tongues today. the end of the month always seems to bring out the crazies!

secret agent woman said...

This is why I am glad I now work for myself. Although I can be difficult at times.

pook555 said...

Ugh, I hate bitchy people. I don't think I would have been as nice as you LOL!

Still it was priceless when they didn't work there for a year - haha!

Little Ms J said...

I must know this woman's role. Please tell me she is something lesser than in the hierarchy.

Julie {Angry Julie Monday} said...

I'm not from the South, but I hear it's proper to say, "Bless her heart" when talking about idiots...

I think this situation def. justifies using this phrase.

Alicia said...

hahahahaaa!! love it! bet she felt like a hag!! and ooohhhhh lady, i know what bless your heart means and its not a good thing! lol!

leigh said...

I hate "THAT" lady!

shortmama said...

Get em with the ol' southern charm with the bless her heart....before you smack her with a kiss your arse...classic

Simone said...

Best last line ever....absolutely hilarious....you are my hero!!

Happy Easter :)

Dumblond said...

WTH?! Were you born of The Mother Teresa and raised by Ghandi?!
After I found out that Ms. Attitude didn't know her arse from a hole in the ground, I would have responded in kind. I have been fluent in Bitchilita since the age of 12 and I could teach her a few phrases...
"To rise above it" is not one of my talents...

hotpants™ said...

There's nothing quite like a 'bless your heart' in the south. We all know what it really means.

Kimberly said...

You are hysterical. I would LOVE to have a cocktail with you!

Heather Taylor said...

Damn, that was funny!

Tracy said...

ROTFLMAO. Oh. I have a boss infatuated with Powerpoint presentations. This cracked me up. Way to win the day.

Amanda said...

This is hilarious. I am going to use this next time I get a Memo...it starts with "bless your heart"....etc. Why are there people like this in the world? It's like there is always one person on constant Emergency Alert and wants to make everything out to be so important it can't wait. It drives me batty. Allegedly.

Rowe said...

Not even a teeny tiny whisper of I'm terribly embarrassed; sorry to have bothered you; pardon me; excuse me; I'm such a moron, dumbo mumbo sorry, even?

Vivienne said...

I love the line about rinsing her from your mind with the wine. There are so many people walking around who hope against hope that their caustic personalities will mask their idiocy and incompetence.

T!nK said...

heeheehee. I don't know that I would be able to contain myself.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I love your powerpoint deck. May I have a copy?! LOL