Monday, February 1, 2010

After a long day, it can be difficult to remember your gender

Sometimes a new locale can provide much fun. I love this new bar we wandered into recently. Well, maybe love is a strong word, but I certainly liked it a great deal for at least one night.

JohnnyMac and I went out recently to see a friend's band play. This band played in a bar that reminded me of the inside of an outhouse. Or a brothel. Or both. But the music was promised to be fantastic. As soon as we arrived, we learned that good friends we were meeting there had a last minute situation. Uh oh. Confirming they were fine, we took a long look around and thought, well, this ought to be interesting. JohnnyMac asks what I want to do since upon arrival, we also learn the bands will not begin for at least another hour or two. Hmmm. We just got there. We had a sitter. We took a cab. And the fact I was wearing leather pants confirmed my conclusion: we are not going home early.

We go down the street to a different bar for some pre-function cocktails. This is also a bar we don't frequent but it reminded me of one compelling fact.

Rowdy bars = infinite more fun than boring bars.  Here is how I know.

The bar is p-a-c-k-e-d. There was a huge sporting event in Atlanta that night and the overflow seemed to pour directly into this establishment. While waiting to get cocktails, I was standing next to a young couple with body language indicating they were together but in a new and sparkly kind of way. I hear this:

Him: blah blah blah my ex-girlfriend found out blah blah blah and I was banging this chick...blah blah blah
His date: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Him: What? puzzled look crosses his face. OH! Sorry. I was banging this woman.

Interesting he thought the potential insult was to her sense of  female empowerment so he corrected his word choice from chick to woman. Not a minute thought to telling his date about banging someone. Excellent work, Andrew Dice Clay.

Later, I am in the woman's room. I come out of the stall and while washing my hands, someone comes out of another stall and says @^(!~&^%@*!. I turn to see a man has wandered out of the stall and is still in the process of zipping his pants.

Him: What are you doing in here?
Me: Laughing. This is the women's restroom.
He looks around for proof. I mean additional proof since the mere fact I am standing there and there is not a urinal in sight is not enough proof. Not sure if he was expecting tampons hanging from the ceiling but alas he then says: Are you sure!?!?!
Me: Fairly confident.
Him: I am SO sorry. I have been drinking all day and guess I forgot.
Me (because I can not resist): Forgot you had a penis? hhhaaaaaa.
Him: Oh !@^(^!. SORRY.
Scurries to leave. And then says: Please don't tell anyone.
Me: Sure. Unless of course, I see your friends outside.

Which I did. But he had told them first and I laughed watching them laugh before relaying the story to JohnnyMac. In desperation (or impatience) I have used the men's room before. But my whereabouts never confused me if a man might have walked in.

After a long day of drinking, it can be difficult to remember you have a penis.

After that, the band could only be a cherry on top. And they were fabulous. Me and my leather pants danced the night away.  (Note: JohnnyMac did not dance the night away since he only dances under the influence of heavy Tequila.)

93 comments:

Jules said...

Yes! Dirty Brothel Bar!!!!!! Wow! You definitely show the highlights of Atlanta!! ;)

Slamdunk said...

Too funny.

Restrooms seem to provide endless hours of humor. I inadvertently walked into the wrong sex restroom at a conference. Well, I made it to the sinks and then broke the indoor 20 yard dash record in exiting--but unfortunately I was sober and had no excuse.

The Peach Tart said...

Ha! I can't wait to find out from you what bar that was.

Chez Zizi said...

Forget their most prized "piece" hilarious! I guess it's not as important as they say think it is.

You are too funny.

Zizette

Ellie said...

And bizarre that there was no waiting line for the women's... now THAT is blogworthy :)

Mommy Lisa said...

Wow. I wonder what kind of searches will bring people to your blog with that subject.

hee hee!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Leather pants! I could not see past leather pants! I am in awe of you and your pants!

Simone said...

"Forgot you had a penis?!"

Love it, you are everything I want to be JennyMac!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That was hilarious...of course, I would be that gal that has gone into the men's potty, sober, not looking at the sign on the door and then wondering what in the heck were urinals doing in there!

Stacey said...

I find it interesting that a packed bar didn't have a line for the women's restroom. Usually when I'm partying I find myself wanting to duck into the men's room because there is no wait...of course then I'd have to deal with what I'm sure is the disgustingness of their bathroom...not that women seem to do much better!

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo I would have busted a gut. That is too funny..

brown eyed girl said...

Why yes, that happens to me on a regular basis. Too funny!

My name is PJ. said...

When you've have so much to drink you forget your gender, it's probably time to give it a rest.

But, tell the truth, have you never once (out of urgency) used the men's room because the line for the ladies room was too long?

There is never a line at the Gent's.

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

ah, the leather pants! I need to get me some! Not much point right now...maybe in a year!

mo.stoneskin said...

I have entered the ladies many times when in a pub. I try not to make a habit of it but you know, it is very difficult to remember...

otin said...

I used the wrong restroom one time and I wasn't even drinking! I was running to find a toilet! LOL

Shorty said...

The bar scene.... always enlightening in one form or another. I wonder if that young man who so eloquently worded the story of his exploits to his new companion is still dating her. It is my great hope that she quickly moved on!

Teri said...

Way to embarrass the drunk guy! :) I wonder if he remembered that the next day?

MommaKiss said...

Bangin' some chick. That's Klassy.

Now these leather pants you speak of. Hot. hope you had some red nails to go w/ them!

Eva Gallant said...

"Forgot you had a penis?" You crack me up, JennyMac!

The Boob Nazi said...

I enjoyed this story a lot. Forgot you had a penis... snort.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I loathe the term 'banging.'
I do however enjoy the term 'chick.' Go figure.
You get to have all the fun Jenny. I have never in my life forgot that I am equipped with a vagina...never.

the walking man said...

OK woman you have dished the dirt on the male. One only knowing where his dick was and the other forgetting he had one (did he sit to pee in the ladies washroom?)

Now the truth of the females you saw around you? Or were they all bright, well spoken, reserved, modest and of course wearing their leather pants ready to kick ass as the rowdier component in the bars.

(Defending the gender is no reason to take the fifth, your testimony towards your own behavior is accepted into the record.)

Corrie Howe said...

Of course, you won't tell anyone...just the world. Look at you, a dozen away from 1,000 followers!

The Gman said...

love this:
"After a long day of drinking, it can be difficult to remember you have a penis."

I may use it but only in witty and spry conversations.

cheers!

Herding Cats said...

I'm usually the one that wanders into the men's room after a few drinks. It's confusing, but hey, it happens!

Cybil said...

Great story JennyMac! You always bighten my Mondays!

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Oh my gosh that is hilarious!

Bossy Betty said...

My son goes to a school that has co-ed bathrooms in the dorms. Gives me the shudders!

Michele R said...

Maybe he did not notice because there was no line???
And Andrew Dice Clay. Yuck. When I was 18 and in L.A. my friends and I had the unfortunate experience of receiving all his insults at a club when he was a novice on stage.

jayme said...

bahaha that's so awesome!

i was under the influence of HEAVY tequila on saturday night and i danced the night away! but i was definitely payin the fiddler all day sunday. and i'm totes jealous that you have killer leather pants. awhh a gal can dream!

Gwen said...

So funny!!! Glad you made it into the correct restroom. :) XOXO

Brian Miller said...

lol. i have never actually made it to the stall but i have made a wrong turn or two...

bluzdude said...

I'm just amazed that you actually OWN leather pants. Just too cool.

Stephanie said...

I am fairly certain that no level of intoxication can make up for forgetting your penis. I could be wrong, considering I don't have one, but I'm pretty sure. Haha! You have the greatest stories!

meredith said...

my favorite comment: i was wearing leather pants so i was not going home.

hahah love it!!

Ed Adams said...

I've never been drunk enough to forget I had a penis.

I have been drunk enough to forget where I put it.

But never to forget it entirely.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

LOL! I always send my friends to the mens room when they are too drunk to figure out which bathroom is which....lol!

Dumblond said...

I've never been so blotto that I have forgotten if I was male or female. I don't remember a good portion of my late teens though...

Peterson Family said...

Andrew Dice Clay hopefully went home alone.

And "forgot you had a penis"...too frickin funny!

Glad you had a fun night and can rock the leather pants! Woot! Woot!

Kristina P. said...

Haha. I love anytime you can use the word "penis" in a conversation with a stranger.

DeNae said...

Leather pants...sadly, there aren't enough cows in the world who could get the job done for yours truly.

And Kristina's comment cracked me up. She's such a Philistine. Read her most recent post, where she says that when she walked into Cabela's she sprouted a testicle.

And yes! VINDICATED! I have used the nearly-empty men's room while women waited in a three-mile line to use the ladies'. It's a two-minute proposition girls, versus a urinary tract infection that will keep on giving for days and days...

Baloney said...

I might need to rope you in on my Vegas girls' weekend... even if you don't really know me.
Glad you and your leather pants had a great time!

Erin said...

I had a date Saturday night with another mommy friend of mine. We shared a bottle of wine and I was halfway into the men's room before I realized I do not have a penis.
Fortunately I turned around before I reached a urinal!!!

Jen said...

This is too funny.

But I must say that they fact that you were wearing leather pants is awesome. You rock on, girl!

Salt said...

The most interesting things have happened to you in bathrooms lately. :)

I love a rowdy bar myself. And I only wish I could pull off leather pants.

Vinomom said...

Love it that you made an awkward situation MORE awkward for a stranger! I would have done the exact same thing!

Summer said...

OMG. I'll say it again, "WHAT the hell goes through the minds of single men these days?" Andrew Dice Clay, great comparison. I hated that guy.

Just Breathe said...

Too funny!

Existential Waitress said...

I must confess that I HAVE wandered into the men's room on accident and then been bewildered when a guy walked in. yes, too much alcohol was clearly involved. LOL.

Lovin' the leather pants. Yes leather pants + a sitter definitely equals a night to remember! I love rowdy bars too.

Kathryn said...

YOWSA!

I'd never made the correlation between my forgetting I have a penis and drinking. It explains so much. At least drunk guy had the courtesy to curse profusely before exiting the ladies room. Shows he had some class. That, and he remembered to zip up.

You don't get all hot & bothered dancing in your leather pants? You know...there's a reason why you don't often see cows doing the electric slide...

Emily said...

I had the pleasure of visiting Dixie Tavern on New Year's Eve...it sounds an awful lot like the bar you're describing!
And I had no idea men could forget they have a penis...that guy must have been drinking a ton!

strokeofliving said...

Well in LA there is a lounge/bar/restaurant called Firefly. It has a unisex restroom and in fact that used to be it's drawing point. The fact that you may run into [pre academy award winner] George Clooney or [pre career slump] Winona Ryder while washing your hands. Seriously, it said that. I can't find that blurb now. Trust me I Googled.

Where was I? Oh forgetting your gender. Although I can't forsee that happening, even in an inebriated state, washing your hands next to George Clooney in any venue might cause you to have a momentary brain fart forgetting your name. But that's about it.

BigSis said...

As often as men are touching their parts, I don't think they could ever forget them...

jules said...

I love posts under the influence of heavy alcohol and leather pants! I totally would have given that penis guy a hard time too! Too funny!

honeypiehorse said...

Wow, you go to bars. I remember bars. . .

AmyLK said...

When there is a line and you are deparate, I would use either bathroom! But I would know that I am in the wrong one! lol Sounds like a fabulous evening.

blueviolet said...

That was too funny and I love how you didn't just let him escape without some teasing!

Debbie said...

Great stories! I can't believe that guy thought that "chick" was the offending word.

magda said...

What a terrific night. It was fun to read about. I miss bars and using the wrong restroom. Although for me, it is first available rather than confusion. I wished I could say that I only do this after drinking too much. I will also use Mens when it is less scummy than Womens, so long as it is the one at a time sort. I have to be drunk to share.

Tracie said...

Not only did I accidentally go to the men's room at the hospital, I took my kids with me. I didn't realize my mistake until we finished out business and walked out.

Pricilla said...

Maybe he just thought it was a Scots bar and that he forgot his kilt....
I mean, didn't the little dress on the door tell him anything?

linlah said...

I'd never forget if I had a penis. Don't they constantly remind you they are there?

Jen said...

LOL! Too funny! I love nights like that, and I'm glad I'm not the only gal whose man will dance only after consuming a bottle of Jose first!

mbkatc230 said...

Now this is just too funny. I didn't know there was a man alive who could forget he had that special appendage! At least he had the presence of mind to zip up. And be mortified. Even when I've accidentally stumbled into the wrong facility, I assure you that I was still sure of my gender! What was that guy drinking, anyway? Kathy

Conquer The Monkey said...

sounds like a fun night out, and any time you wear leather you are in for a wild time :)

HalfAsstic.com said...

I dunno, JennyMac... There are those, who after a long day of drinking, can do nothing BUT think of and with their penis...
It is, indeed, a phenomenon I have seen happen... ;-)

Rebecca Knight said...

I guess we know who Mr. Smooth Date WASN'T banging that night! ;)

"Love it, you are everything I want to be JennyMac!"

Totally agreeing with Simone! :D You're awesome, JennyMac!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Did you ever think the penis was a new accessory and maybe he's still getting used to it?

*uncorked said...

There's a bar here in Chicago where they have pictures on the doors. Highly ambiguous pictures and each time I'm there I forget if I'm a turtle with a cane or a rabbit with a top hat. Because really, how do you know? The first time I went there I stood in front of the doors for about 10 minutes looking for long luscious lashes or lipstick or some identifying trait. There are none. Now THAT is unfair.

Jen said...

Yes, if you go to all the trouble to put on leather pants you have to make an evening out of it.

Lily Johnson said...

Yep, guys just before you drink and use the toilet, feel the slight bulge in your trousers and hold that thought. You are really going to need it.I had a good laugh.

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! Oh I would have loved to see the look on his face! I love how you finished his sentence with "forgot you had a penis?"

Brilliant JM! Brilliant.

Kristin said...

I totally did that once. I walked a good ways in before I noticed the urinals. Ah ha

CountessLaurie said...

Nope, I have never forgotten my gender after a day of heavy drinking... I feel so goody-two-shoes :-)

Cougar Tales said...

I haven't been by in a while. Glad to see your blog is doing awesome! Stop by for a giveaway when you have a chance.
- Cougs
www.cougar-tales.blogspot.com

Jill VT said...

Ah, I remember my leather pants days...

AnnQ said...

NICE! And I love hearing a bit of other people's conversations. That "banging a chick" dude was a super-tool. LOL

shortmama said...

The fact that you were able to think of a comeback...and a hilarious one at that! Priceless!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I'll have to use the "...I was banging this chick.." line next time I am out carousing. No doubt it will give me an air of savoir faire.

Cathi said...

Funny story as usual, JennyMac! :)

Ashley Stone said...

Hilarious. I bartend on the weekends...you run into some interesting people!!!

T!nK said...

oh. we are totally cutting a rug, haha!

Andrea said...

That is a great story! Love it!

Heather Taylor said...

Haha, that's a great story!

Ms. Salti said...

Nice! I love it. You'd think that most men would remember their penis over and above anything else in their lives!

Kato said...

I am convinved that fun follows you around. Another great story of course!

And BAHAHAHA! to the guy who forgot he had a penis!

Janet said...

Okay, the "banging this woman" thing had me laughing out loud. At work. Shhhhhh...

M-Cat said...

How the crap do you drink so much you forgot you had a penis? I thought those things contolled thier owners minds... sheesh.

uggclogs said...

I LOVE the fact that you always have a witty comment at hand. You whip them out with such ease! I envy you.

secret agent woman said...

I like it that the guy asked if you were sure it was a women's bathroom. And I hope the date of the goombah let that be their last date.

hotpants™ said...

My husband probably wouldn't dance under the influence of an entire bottle of tequila.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I have been known to use bathrooms of the wrong gender because I have a little problem that I like to call "active colon." You see when I gotta go, I gotta go. Anyway, one time in Whole Foods I had to practically run through the store in order to make it and when I got to the restrooms, the women's was being cleaned. Thankfully the men's was open. I popped on in, did my biz, and when I came out a cop was waiting at the door. "Exactly what were you doing in there?" he wanted to know with a voice so sinister and interrogating I wondered myself if I had been molesting children or snorting cocaine. He didn't seem particularly impressed by my active colon story. Anyway, just thought I'd share. Your story made me think of this.