JohnnyMac called me in the late afternoon. I had several things occur at my office which displeased me in no uncertain terms. In regards to blathering on about work, I prefer to share only highly valid points at the end of our work day because I work all the time and I don't need to spend family time discussing it. Except for yesterday. JohnnyMac asked me how the meeting/meeting/meeting/meeting went. I opted to tell him about two specifics one of which included me saying loud and clear something highly poetic and intelligent like, "This is absolutely Mother F*cking ridiculous" followed by more pretty thoughts and sun-filled kissy style narrative.
JohnnyMac then said in his oh so calm voice, "Honey, you are on the car speaker."
Followed by a tiny voice saying "Hi Mommy."
Even when caught, I am very quick. I respond with, "As I was saying, my MOTHER thinks PUMPKIN is DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-licious. Except I said it as basically one long sentence with a very high pitched voice.
JohnnyMac: Mmmm hmmmm. You are in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
Mind you, the worst word I have ever said in front of our son is sh*t.
Mind you, I RARELY say MF
Mind you, it would be amongst a list of words I would NEVER want to say in front of my two year old.
Mind you, when the guy at the car dealership tells you BlueTooth doesn't sound like speaker phone, even on speaker phone, believe it.
As I said yesterday, where is that bar soap now, honey. I hope its a bar soap boomerang and comes back to me immediately.
And oh look, just what I needed, more irony.
This will give me something to think about while I write my 20 year reunion post this weekend.
Hey ... just comes right back and bites you on the ass! Bad luck honey.
ReplyDeletexxx
Feel free to swear in the 20 yr reunion post. What the heck, no one's countin'.... :))
ReplyDeleteI can personally think of more obscene things than a few words that are coming into common usage.
ReplyDeleteI love that "Hi Mommy"... opps. I am bad now that the kids are older but when they were younger I told them they could use whatever words they wanted if ........... they were on a sinking ship. Think Titanic. If your ship is sinking I would think they are the only words that would pop into my head.
ReplyDeletexx
Aww! I love 'A Christmas Story'!
ReplyDeleteIf I had to eat soap every time a bad word came out of my mouth, I might as well keep a wad of it in my cheek, like chewing tobacco.
Oh....IRONIC. Yes, that's it!!!!
ReplyDeleteOf course, in my house, the f-bomb is used regularly. It's hard for me at school to NOT say, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" to some of the kids.
Naughty girl! Ummm.... Just don't shoot your eye out or anything.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I find sh*t far less obnoxious than f***. And you won't be able to provide earmuffs when junior goes to school, so he'll soon hear 'em all!
ReplyDeleteAnd wouldn't it be ironic if your mother actually disliked pumpkin and your little man knew it. Anyway, I think this might be one of the things you tell him when he is older and then you can laugh about it each time the dirty mouth subject comes up at family reunions.. and maybe, just maybe, if he is as witty as you are, he will share the story in his own blog with the readers of his time.
ReplyDeleteDo you mind if I quote your, "more pretty thoughts and sun-filled, kissy-style narrative! Made my coffee spew forth from my mouth, it did! You kill me, without even trying.
ReplyDeleteI had a brother, well I still have him -middle child - bad mouth: fresh and rude, lightly sprinkled with swearing. Mom washed his mouth out, on more than one occasion, with Fels Naptha - nasty tasting, he allowed. 40 years later, I found some on e-bay and bought it for him (cuz I'm thoughtful like that). It's poison, of course.... Did Mom consider that in the 60's? No, because soap was soap and cleanliness was next to godliness and there was no Social Service intervention! The end.
ahahahahaha!!! who isn't guilty of even the SOFTEST utterances? oh gawd, i need to reinforce the bar of soap code in the house myself! thanks for this thoughtful but funny post!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, since 2 year olds have better memories than elephants, you will NEVER live this one down:) On the up side, you could always put a cursing/lying/I forgot/the dog ate my homework jar at home just to give you back the edge in the whole parenting game.
ReplyDeleteThe good news...he's two and won't remember when he's older. The bad news...he's two and will repeat repeat repeat!!
ReplyDeleteClorox may be in order :) He won't be permanently traumatized (though you may be). Thanks for the smile and the reminder. Good luck with the *%$#@ problem at work :)
ReplyDeleteAwww! We've all done that!
ReplyDeleteBefore I quit teaching I was pretyy good at saying things like Fudge or something-but now I am letting it slip again and again. My hubby has somehow been able to turn his slips into "look at the ducks," or other ridiculous stuff-and it's WORKED hehe!
ReplyDeleteI'd be curious to see when your son uses the 'MF' in his conversation.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a kid, I babysat my neighbor's boy. His parents didn't care what language they used around him, but luckily, I spent more time with their child with him then they did.
One day, the boy spouts off 'fuck' and I turn and ask him what the definition was (I was a big believer at 13 you can't use a word unless you knew the definition) - his response "it's what my dad says when he has to stop a red light".
I told his mom, she laughed and I lectured her on inappropriate language for a 4 year old.
When you get a chance, here are some of my proudest moments regarding kids and cussing:
ReplyDeletehttp://randomthoughts-tammy.blogspot.com/2009/05/one-where-theres-cussing.html
Hi Mommy!
Classic stuff.
ReplyDeleteMy wife used to look after our friend's toddler a couple of times a week.
One day she took him to the park, and as he played some young lads were messing about on the swings, making a lot of noise and swearing like miners.
The little toddler ran up to my wife beaming.
'Bucking Hell' he said. 'Bucking Hell bucking hell bucking hell'.
She had to ignore him, and explain to his parents it wasn't her who taught him that! Took him a month or so to stop using the phrase.
Mine and Kenny's word is damnit.
ReplyDeleteI have never said it in front of the boys but only a gazillionandone times in my head everyday.
Kenny slips up sometimes.
He also slips up and lets them watch Sponge BoB when I am not here.
BUT that's reason for an entirely different comment and/or post of my own.
Heated. Do I sound heated over this?
Anyway, it's not so cool, when you're 2 year old says, "damnit, mama. I want one more fruit bar" at oh like 6:30 in the morning.
Not cool.
Now where's the soap and the remote control, husband?
.mac :)
You know, if they're going to sell these fancy schmancy purple toothed things that make what you thought was a private phone conversation come out of the radio there ought to damned sure be a way of alerting you to that fact before you start talking. Something like "this call may be monitored for quality control". Bull shit! This call is recorded by any business that might sell you something over the phone so as to verify you said anything that might be construed as agreeing to whatever it is they are selling, and to cover their asses in a law suit. But that's another story.
ReplyDeleteUh-oh mommy's in trouble! Hope you don't go blind from the soap in your mouth!
ReplyDeleteSteph @ Stick It in the Fridge
pleasestickitinthefridge.blogspot.com
I have the worst time with that whole deal. Censoring the F bomb. I love the F bomb. It makes me feel better.
ReplyDeleteYikes...you are going to need the strong soap for that one! ;) I'm impressed with your attempt at a cover up though.
ReplyDeletestopping by to say hi, good morning and have a great day! Great pics in the post today and I promise to watch my language all day....
ReplyDeleteI have to repeat to myself daily..
ReplyDeleteno profanity
no profanity
no profanity
no profanity
Now that chosen child is a teenager, it's a big part of her vocabulary and I HAVE to set a good example.......... or at least teach her how to use them right!
Ohhh, I have the same "no-bad-words-in-front-of-the-kids" policy. Too bad I have tons of trouble sticking to it ... especially lately, now that I'm OVERLY pregnant and everything is getting on my (raw, last) nerves.
ReplyDeleteWhat's worse is, I'm a chronic dropper of the F-bomb. Thus far my kids have refrained from saying it themselves, but it is soooo going to bite me in the ass when one of them says it out-of-the-blue somewhere in public.
I try to catch myself before something pops out of my mouth but I don't always do it. A few weeks ago my 2 year old said, "oh dammit" and I immediately thought "oh shit I have to watch my language."
ReplyDeleteHe said it with his sitter later. She told me she asked where he heard it and he said, "at Jenny's tea party" so I was off the hook (that time).
I am a potty mouth. Luckily my daughter was not permanently scarred from it.
ReplyDeleteNiiiice cover up!
ReplyDeleteI was very careful around my daughters when they were young too. Their father and his family were not as careful. My own mother never said one bad word. Never. I can't say that about me. Once they hit 18, it was over. None of us use the F-word in everyday language, but sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it's the only word that works.
ReplyDeleteBut, a speaker phone does need to be announced by the user, at the beginning of the coversation.
I like the delicious pumpkin comeback!
ReplyDeleteIn honor of your pumpkin comeback, I had my first Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte of the season. Mmm, that is M*ther F*cking Delicious!
ReplyDeleteA bar of soap these days probably tastes good.... they have so many flavors and colors now - minty fresh Ivory, strawberries and cream Bath and Body Works. So you might want to rethink that idea. Soap is like a slice of cheesecake these days....
Talk about quick thinking! That pumpkin comeback was terrific!
ReplyDeleteyour last 3 posts made me laugh and smile and laugh. You write SO Well and I just love everything about your blog.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a "your blog makes my day award" I would totally send it your way!
Well, he was going to hear it sometime.
ReplyDeleteGreat comeback! I don't think I would be as quick on my feet. I would probably just babble something incoherent and hang my head in shame. You did a great cover up. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny. Weird how you go from getting caught by your parents to getting caught by your kids. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteROFLOL - Johnny Mac needs to warn you when he is using the speaker phone. I think it is all his fault.
ReplyDeleteHeh, this is inspiring me to write about somethin gI was just talking about recently to some friends. English swears are tossed around in Europe like they mean nothing at all. It's half offensive/half funny.
ReplyDeleteKarma's a bitch & definitely not a Mother or she'd back us up more.
ReplyDeleteIt never fails! Just when you think you're safe! Ha, ha!
ReplyDeleteawwww. The slips happen. Don't feel too bad. take care.
ReplyDeleteLosing battle hon, losing battle.
ReplyDeletelol. I remember using 'shitaki mushroom' and 'fargin' when the kids were little. We still try to keep it clean but by now they've heard it all.
ReplyDeleteI think you mostly just have to be careful until they understand what 'not' to repeat, lol
My older son picked these lovely words up from his dad. But now he's the one telling his dad to watch his mouth. It makes me cackle with glee.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Luckily I don't have kids.. they would be traumatized by now. Excellent comeback.
ReplyDeleteoh I suck at this. Especially when I get mad at my husband. That whole don't fight in front of the kids thing is going to be hard, but cursing? Impossible. Such a foul mouth. However, your husband did owe you a warning that you were on speaker. Bad man.
ReplyDeleteGood comeback! I'm impressed!
ReplyDeleteHa! Just know it will be a long list of things we do in front of our children that we may regret. I guess down the road..way down the road..from two, it's good for them to know that we are after all, human. I commend you for keeping the "potty mouth" in check. Good parenting skills mama ~
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
xx deb
There is no place safe to express yourself anymore...
ReplyDeleteFreedom of Speech is a figment of some long dead founding father's imagination.
I am pretty sure one of my sons phrases will soon be "douche bag." I use it WAY to much in front of him...oops.
ReplyDeleteBars of soap make me shudder. I have had to wash my mouth out to many times to ever want to see a bar of soap ever again!
whoopsy.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud. So awesome.
ReplyDeletebusted!! My husband curses ALL THE TIME. But god forbid I ever utter a swear word and it is a major ordeal. Like my son hasn't already heard everything under the sun from his father!!!
ReplyDeleteOOPS! I gave my husband some of that Lifeboy soap for Christmas one year and just the smell of it in the house was disgusting... I can't imagine putting it in your mouth! I feel so bad for you! Hopefully, the soap will be Dove or Dial. I hear that they taste pretty good.
ReplyDeleteWell, there could be much worse things!!! But speaker phone is the KISS of Death!!! Thinking your having an adult conversation and then WHAM...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog today. I really appreciate it!
Love the name of your blog...Sooo appropriate! Im sticking around for a while!!! ;)
Well, the less fuss made? Isn't that what they say?
ReplyDeleteI would not know...I am kidless
Hi, THNX for the compliment!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me blush and laugh in the same time because i had the same thing last weekend. We where having a family brunch and i dropped a bowl in the kitchen and hit my head when i went to pick it up so their was this stream of %#$@^!*@ and behind me i heard this little voice (my nephew 4 years old) saying "those are bad words".
Whoopsy!
Have a great day!
-M
I love that movie the Christmas Story. I vow one day to own the leg lamp!! LOL Cheesy as it is, I'll own it in all it's glory!!
ReplyDeleteAnd that is why I am not having kids.
ReplyDelete(That, and the fact that I am umarried and financially unstable at the moment. But more so b/c I like cursing.)
It's ok, he probably doesn't even remember it and if he does, he'll know the correct time to use it.
hahahah CLASSIC.
ReplyDeleteWhen my daughter was a year and a half, one day on the way home from the grocery store I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting someone who cut me off.
ReplyDeleteFrom the back seat came, "A**hole!"
I cleaned up my act REAL fast!
I'm sure even the Pope slipped up a few times ;)
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I strapped Sprite in and got into my own seat. As I'm turning the car on, I hear her say, "Where did that booboo come from? Oh, crap."
ReplyDeleteI wonder where she gets that from... :-)
Thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that sounds about right that the speakerphone was on when you dropped the bomb. lol
Oh no! I'm sorry but that is the funniest thing ever! Being the aunt and not the mom, I find it hilarious.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, good cover up!
we tried to be very careful around tender ears (my niece and nephew) but it is certainly very hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOuch!! There is nothing worse than dropping an f-bomb in front of your child! Hopefully he won't repeat it!
ReplyDeleteIf they based the Mother of the year award solely on if a mommy drops the F'bomb, I would NOT win...come to think of it, maybe that is why I have never won, hmmm?!?
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Smooches,
Sassy Chica
If only this were the worst thing you'll ever expose your child to....
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the "Queen Mother of all swear words."
ReplyDeleteI go through phases. Some weeks its only in my head, some weeks it flies out of my mouth constantly.
This also reminds me of George Carlins' old recording about sh*t:
"Oh sh*t! Don't say it, Johnny, just hear it."
I've been cussing since I can remember. It's one of the first things I learned in Public school. I used to eat Lava soap as a kid but it didn't stop me from cussing like a truck driver or sailor to this day. When the kids are around, I just cuss in my head!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Don't eat soap! It doesn't work!
Hugs!!
hahahaha!!
ReplyDeleteI just love you. Too funny!!!!
You need a beep that warns you're on speaker before the call connects :).
ReplyDeleteLove the pic of the soap (love that movie). I happened to have the TV on the other day when I was working from TV. That Nanny show came on and talked about soap in the mouth and how bad it was. I was thinking yes it is, it sucks to be on the end of eating soap. Maybe she'd like to talk to my dad about using it when I was younger ... LOL :) I guess I turned out ok.
F-ing excellent.
ReplyDeletemade-me-spew-my-beverage funny!
Love it. This was fabulous! And, you should probably hand the post over my way!!
ReplyDeleteDon't mean to push my blog, but this reminds me of my post "Froupy Frit Frat!"
http://mammatalk.blogspot.com/2008/11/froupy-frit-frat.html
karma is such a bitch my friend... such a bitch.
ReplyDeleteBTW technically this is johnny macs fault. Whenever you are on speaker, it is etiquette to inform the person on the other end BEFORE anything is said!
LOL I've done the EXACT same thing with the lovely sh*t word. They should tell us when we are on speaker!
ReplyDeleteha! too funny. good recover. I wouldn't have thought of that.
ReplyDeleteLovely blog.
ReplyDeleteOne of my new years resolutions this year was to swear less. I'm proud to report: I'm doing OK on it so far.
PS: My oldest daughter called something "that effin' blah blah blah" the other day. I have no idea from whom she gets such a limited vocabulary.
Very funny. We were in Mexico for Thanksgiving November 2007 and waiting at border to get back into states. It was very chaotic and at one point my husband yelled "jesus" very loudly. It took a long time to get my then 2-year old to stop saying it over and over, and then again to get her to stop saying it anytime something went wrong. Thanks for stopping by! ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, that is me with soap in my mouth. Mama did it once and that is all it took. The worse word that flows out of this farm chicks mouth is fudge. Maybe due to my obsession with chocolate. Have a great-clean dialect day!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog. Your's is funny! I'm following and looking forward to more laughs.
ReplyDeleteOh boy!! That's a doozie. I thought my kids were going to think our dog's name was "g** damn it Truman!" by the time they could talk!! My husband's mom said he thought flies were "damn flies" b/c she used to say it all the time. I guess your guy will think it's just Mother F*cking ridiculous!!!
ReplyDeleteOh no!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy sister still hasn't forgiven me for saying the B word in front of my nephew which he promptly repeated. It really did just slip out of my mouth!
Now he says BS all the time. That's a word he learned from his daddy. He's three and they cannot get him to stop saying it. Probably doesn't help that daddy won't stop saying it either.
You know, I am 46 years old and if my mother heard me utter the f-bomb I am still convinced it would be the last thing I would ever have the opportunity to say. I am very careful about that and will keep in mind what happened to you.
ReplyDeleteSo but I am lauging at you. Not even with you this time, AT you! : )
ReplyDeleteIs that bar of soap Lifebouy by chance?
Too funny!
Oh... I swear in front of my kids all the time. I used to punish them for when they made me mad enough to cuss.
ReplyDeleteIt's never fun to get busted. Aaargh.
ReplyDeleteHmm, seeing as I'm the potty mouth in the house, I need me some EffWord :)
ReplyDeleteyeah... I did that once.. I was stressed to the max and said "I fing hate this". Unfortunately my 3 year old heard me because later on she came out put her hands up to the side of her head and said "mommy, i fing hate this". OMgoodness. I couldn't believed I did that. Bad mommy, Bad mommy!!!
ReplyDeleteahahah that's great. so funny. I have such a potty mouth, it will really take restraint if I ever have kids. lololol. so funny!
ReplyDeleteI never swore in front of my kids and now that they're over the legal age, I throw one out there now and then because it so completely cracks them up to hear me swear.
ReplyDeletePeople mock me for my "clean" blog. ut as the mother of four I'v learned to cuss like a sailor in my head (well, mostly) and keep it clean EVERYHWERE else. It gets tiring trying to figure out when they can hear you.
ReplyDeleteOuch--nice cover though.
ReplyDeleteDriving with young kids in the backseat has been my downfall ("Honey, where did the little girl pick up such colorful words?").
Argh...
Don't worry about the soap. Hearing them repeat it at the most inopportune moment is punishment enough. (Speaking from experience of course!)
ReplyDeleteDon't ya just love speaker phones????
ReplyDeleteOh no, no you need to use liquid soap for that transgression.
ReplyDeleteOh No! What can I say though? Sometimes work can do that to you - in fact that's the only time I ever curse is at work and usually softly to myself - but one day it's bound to come out loud and clear (probably at the worst possible moment)!
ReplyDeleteHaha, good save there.
ReplyDeleteI do try not to swear in front of my kids. But sometimes the words slip out. Especially when I step on one of their toys with my bare foot. Legos really REALLY hurt.
Oh, I hate that d@mn Mohter F&k!n speaker phone!
ReplyDeleteYup - it's all fun & games until the kids overhear your Mutha F*ckin cussin! LOL... They razz me for saying darn now - can you believe that? Gosh.
ReplyDelete~ AquarianJwl
I'm so guilty of doing this...Worse part it has been infront of my friends kids.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. That's pretty funny... and you're darn quick!!
ReplyDeleteWe're just not safe anymore even on the phone talking to spouses? humm... My daughters are teenagers and over the years I've invented many new phrases - I may steal Mother Pumpkin!
ReplyDeleteOh this was so so funny.
ReplyDeleteBwahahaha! So. very. funny!!! (It will be even funnier if your son repeats it in some inappropriate moment!!)
ReplyDeleteLaughing and cringing at the same time because I'd LOVE to say this has never happened to me (but can't):-(
ReplyDeleteYou're much quicker on the cover up than I have ever been.
BWAHAHAHAHA!! "Hi Mommy".
ReplyDeleteThis is why my "Mommy's Potty Mouth" jar is FULL of quarters. Drop a foul word, pay up. My friends used to show up at the house and just drop a 5 dollar bill in the jar, knowing it would cover the day's worth of potty words that were bound to creep out.
I love that you were so quick on your feet!
ReplyDeleteI try so hard not to swear at all...but when I am so mad it just flies out.
It is usually my girls that are around(causing the anger and frustration). And they call me out on it!
So just wait until your little one is older.
i felt free to swear around the Deaf kid. I was IN FOR IT when my second child could hear clearly and ask; "Mommy? What's a douchebag???"
ReplyDeletenow THATis funny!! I just found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant and I have already been thinking of what things I need to "change" in my everyday life - and using "bad words" is one of the changes that I keep thinking about! Cute post :)
ReplyDeleteOoohh... mommy is in trouble!
ReplyDeleteWell, just be careful. Maybe next time you could ask first if you're on speaker or not. :D
I never swore until I met my hubbie!
ReplyDelete