If these tiles could talk

A friend and I were out last weekend and popped by her brother RockCity's place for a quick visit. Later I received a mysterious text containing a plea for assistance in penning this missive. I wholeheartedly agreed. Below is what we came up with...

Dear RockCity:

It is time to talk. I know this will be hard for you to understand. I feel like we have come to a fork in the road, but to be fair, it's not me, its you.

I realize you are completely comfortable in our relationship. I see you feel truly at home. But I wanted to share something with you.

I feel dirty.

With the constant leftover toothpaste in the sink, I see you going deeper and deeper into an abyss. Germs do not make you blink in the least. And I assure you, I harbor more germs than the CDC.



And when you leave your urine in the toilet. Well, that's unsightly. Indoor plumbing is a convenience you should enjoy multiple times per day. And while we are on that topic, maybe you should drink some more water. You don't appear to be too hydrated.

And when the brunette came over last week, she wouldn't sit on that toilet seat. I think she had a minor gag reflex kick in and then, she used profanity. A mere whisper and I hate to repeat things, but she looked around and said are you f*ing kidding me?

RockCity, friend, you must realize that when you want a woman visitor, and she needs the lav to "powder her nose" if she finds what the last one found, well, you won't be getting lucky, I promise you. And just forget about any reenacted scenes from 9 1/2 weeks. Why? Because those usually involve a shower during or after. That will not happen here.

You may as well have a dish on the counter with a note saying "Free Staphylococcus."

I think you just need a quick cleanse on the sink, counter, and shower. The shower doors are not opaque by design. They make special products to help us both. And the tub? It looks like you attempted to rinse a dead body down it.

Oh, and the floor. Please don't forget the floor. There is currently enough of your hair on the floor to knit a gorilla.

If people had to choose between a port o john at the bus terminal and this bathroom, I know they won't be coming here. Save yourself future embarrassment. Give me a scrub.

And if you can't find the time, which clearly seems to be an issue, can you pay someone to come? Your sister will do it for $30.00. Well worth the investment.

Help me shine.

Regards,
Your Master Bathroom.