Monday, July 13, 2009

Here to annoy

I don't know the general consensus on gym etiquette, but let's vet it out shall we?

There are a litany of things I observe at the gym I find foolish and unnecessary. While so many people there are just normal people trying to be fit, there are others who, well, you know.

The loud grunting is annoying but so is the constant dropping of weights on the floor. Didn't you just lift that 15 times? I am certain you have a fraction of energy left to calmly place that barbell back on the floor then. Oh, and the sunglass wearers. Really? You are indoors. You look silly. Overhead light just too bright? Stop it Jamie Foxx.

But my least favorite are the cell phone chatters because the sunglasses, grunts, careless and exaggerated hurtling of weights to the floor don't directly impact me. However, the cell phone chatters impact everyone around them.

Two weeks ago a girl, let's call her MegaLipShine (because she reapplied it 10 times in an hour) gets on the elliptical next to me. Oh, she has plenty to chat about with her friend on her bedazzled, beglittered pink phone. I don't think you need to chat on the phone while exercising, and certainly not while you are exercising in my vicinity. Look around. No one in the whole cardio machine sector has a cell phone in use. However, if you have an emergency or a con call you must take since you are "working from home" that day, fine. If you have to check on childcare, dog at the vet, grocery list, I get it. Most people do this before they begin their work out but perhaps there are extenuating circumstance. But I assure you, MegaLipShine had none. MegaLipShine did however have plenty to say to friend on phone about Bessie.

MegaLipShine: I can not believe Jay won't call me back. I know he is dating that Bessie woman. She is a new doctor in his building. His neighbor told me all she wants to do is have sex. She is such a whore.

Hmmmm. First: Would any man call that a whore? Or would he call it "Near Perfection". What next? Bessie doesn't like to talk about her feelings? Oh boy...if so, Bessie will soon be the most popular girl in the world.

Second: Bessie is a very uncommon name. In fact, I know of no woman named Bessie. Especially Bessie the Doctor. You give too many details, MegaLipShine. Therefore, if you are talking about Bessie the Doctor in a large open-air environment with hundreds of people, it is likely due to her unusual name, someone here may know her. Smarten up. If you are going to subject the crowd to your salty rage about why Jay would rather date a doctor who loves sex as opposed to you with your resplendent, pink sparkly phone, use code. PS: You sound dumb.

But I simply turned my iPod on and drowned out MegaLipShine. And I had forgotten about it until yesterday.

I was at the gym in a rare hour of virtual emptiness. There are 30 exercise bikes and I am the only one using them. Until another person comes and sits down on the bike right next to me.

And then gets on his phone and loudly tries to explain to the person on the other end that he "never actually said I was a partner at the firm" and that it was all her boozy haze that had somehow misconstrued "salesman" for "practicing attorney". And he was loud. And it went on and on.

I am trying to read my new book, Olive Kitteridge, and since there are 28 other bikes open, must he sit adjacent to me? Does he not need more privacy for his nauseating conversation? At first, I decided to move. And then, I remembered I was wearing my bitchybritches, I decided to do something else instead. I started whistling. A merry tune. Raising the decibels in micro amounts. He suddenly says into phone, "Yes. I hear it too. Yes, it IS very irritating....OH, its the girl next to me." The volume of my whistling growing in direction proportion to my mounting immaturity.

He turns to me and says, "That is rather irritating."
Me, in deadpan disbelief look him in the eye and say, "Oh, is it?"

He got up then and only then did I realize he is wearing tight black bicycle shorts with his t-shirt tucked in. My retina stung from looking. I simply can not take a grown man with a shirt tucked into bicycle shorts seriously.

But more importantly, please do not select the bike next to the only other person over here and carry on a loud and rather mundane conversation on your cell phone.

So, when you feel all aglow with so much news to share, maybe just maybe, you can wait until you are done exercising. Some are here to actually work out while some are simply here to annoy.

43 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

omg...I hate when people are so rude on cell phones....obviously they need to brush up their phone etiquette.

Funny about the whistling.

When Pigs Fly said...

Must agree. I wrote a post a while ago about all the things that tick me off at the gym. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with cell phones but some other offensive behaviors. The gym is for exercising not personal grooming or talking on the phone.

Lee said...

Love it! Don't go to the gym myself, but when I am walking and see women talking on the phone while they are walking, it amazes me! You can't take a cell phone break for an hour? What ever did we DO without being able to get in touch with someone every second of every day?

Organic Meatbag said...

Next time one of these inconsiderate ass clowns get right next to you and spill their filthy word holes all over their cell phones, start screaming at the top of your lungs "MY ASS!!! OH YESSSS!!! MY ASS BUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNSSS!!!

The Nice One said...

Oh yes. Oh yes.
We are way too obsessed with our phones. I just flew and within 2 seconds of landing people whip out the phone and are calling...calling...calling. It is rather weird having an "in" on so many people's lives.

the walking man said...

Loved the story and the resolution but as I am annoyed by ALL physical activity I will never find myself next to a lip glossed man with a tucked in T shirt sitting by a woman trying to whistle Dixie while I am on a cellphone that is more pain in the ass than convenience.

Scrappy Girl said...

Too funny...I love having "immature" moments too...particularly when it involves my inlaws!

Miss HoneyDew said...

cute blog!!! I am extremely annoyed by the people at the gym that have to get on the machine RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! It is one of my biggest pet peeves, especailly when there are like 15-20 open machines. You have a new follower :-)

Little Miss Baker said...

Girl this is too funny! and too true. There is this big strong black guy who frequents my YMCA and he wears a sweat band and wrist bands and a cut off shirt and moseys around the gym looking at himself in the mirror. I have never seen him actually lift something. And apparently (according to my fiance), he enjoys standing naked in front of the mirror in the locker room, slapping his chest like an orangutang, in between muscle flexes. What is this world coming to? A home gym never sounded so lovely! Thanks for visiting me today!! xo

Lady Di said...

Bitchybritches....I love it!! You know sometimes being mature and taking the "high road" just has no place in certain situations. Immature and bitchy was definitely the right choice, especially since he put you through the added pain of tucked in shirt in spandex...I feel for your poor retinas.

Aunt Julie said...

Good Morning, SITSta...GIVEAWAY ALERT! if you have time, I've got a fun & nutritious way to convince your kiddos to Eat Their Veggies!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Sorry, I'm a grunter. It kind of helps release a little of the tension that comes with trying lift the weights. I try not to be loud.

But then, I work out alone, so I guess I shouldn't worry.

I've never understood the sitting next to someone thing. I just tend to extend the whole "don't use the urinal next to the guy already there" rule to everything else in the world. Things work out just duchy after that.

Sally-Sal said...

I love the way you handled the attention whore on the cell phone.

mira is triplet crown said...

Hi-freaking-larious. I'm so sending this link to my friends who would so appreciate your retaliation. I wish I had the guts to do such a thing! I believe I'm going to become a follower. thanks for visiting my blog this weekend! Hope you come back...

WhiteSockGirl said...

Miss MegaLipShine with glitter phone can't believe Jay is calling her back because he is h(b?)anging with the Doctor that loves sex,...
Something in that gloss is responsible for the diminishing of her brain cells, me thinks!


A fab read! Ta! (short for dankie which an Afrikaans word for Thank you)!

La Belle Mere UK said...

I love you already!!! You and I have a very similar attitude!

Thank you for visiting my blog today - if you hadn't I would never have found yours! I will be following!!

B x

Drahdrah said...

You are too funny. I HATE it when you are in an empty bus, waiting room, movie theatre, etc... and people insist on sitting next to you. What happened to a buffer zone?!?!?! Thanks for stopping by my site. Happy Monday !

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

Thanks for visiting my blog today! Nice to "meet" another fellow SITstah.

Sasha

Vodka Logic said...

they say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor..it is also my favorite. Love the bitchypants too. I have a pair just like 'em.

Well said.

Laura xx

Jules said...

Oh the cell phone chatters annoy the day lights out of me! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are so busy that you can't find ANY other time to talk on the phone???

Luckily I go to an all girl gym so I don't have to deal with men and their tight bicycle short....

J.J. in L.A. said...

When I want to talk about someone behind their back, I use code names. I have BUD for Butt Ugly Dude and ALF for Awful Looking Female.

That way I can talk about them without fear of someone who knows them overhearing...or even talk about them in front of them, which is always fun.

And I would have whistled too!

Mr London Street said...

My gym etiquette is best summed up as: never go to the gym. I don't like to make people feel inadequate. Or test their first aiding capabilities.

Millennium Housewife said...

You did well to hold back there girl, if it happens to be I steal their phone, in front of them, and put it in the water fountain. They don't do it again.

Alicia said...

oh my that was hilarious!! we have several of those at our gym and there was a point in time where i felt i knew their 'friends' on the other line just as well as they did! great post!! and any man with a shirt tucked into his biker shorts is a verified d-bag.

Yankee Girl said...

Bike shorts with his tshirt tucked in? I would have laughed so hard in his face and not felt bad at all!

I go to the gym about 4 times a week and every time I leave I add another gym-goer to my shit list. Why must people be so damn annoying? My arch-nemesis has never used her cell phone, but she was dumb enough to ask me how far 1.5 miles was. She honestly didn't understand that 1.5 meant one and a half.

Dustjacket attic said...

Oh you are brilliant, I'd never have thought of that ~ way to go!!

Onto the Louboutins, they are fantastic aren't they!

Thanks so much for dropping by and commenting!

Transparent Mama said...

You are hilarious. I just love that you nicknamed her MegaLipShine. I also do not know anyone named Bessie, but I do love Olive Kitteredge. She is also hilarious.

Theresa said...

Cellphone usage is common at the gym I use in conjunction with physical therapy. As is wearing as little clothing as possible without being nude. While it's rather enjoyable when the opposite sex strolls by, I really do hate having some skinny bitch's enormous and unmoving implants in my face.

Not that I hate skinny women or implants...just not in my face, thanks.

Cinnamon said...

Whooo! Megalipshine and Misconstrued can certainly liven up the gym. Mundane juicy conversations. Tskk!!Tskk! Tskk!!

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella said...

It makes me wonder whether people like this are just surrounded by other people just like them and does anyone say "Oh by the way, you're being rude?" or is it a table full of megalipshine or tshirt tucked into gym shorts at dinner where all of them are on their phones?

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Oh dear. This is my first time here. But I'll try to be witty and spry.

Except I'm laughing and laughing and can't articulate a logical thought. This post reminded me of the Brits' disgruntledness with the women tennis players grunting all over the court.

And I am ever so glad you started whistling that annoying tune. That bike-cycle-shorts guy totally deserved it.

Swift Jan said...

Great post!! I have been giggling reading it!
When I used to go to the Gym (yes that's used to, now I dont. Now I am fat LOL) I didn't even take my phone in! People who have the ability to chat on the phone & exercise at the same time. Mustn't really be exercising!! Coz I pant like a dog whenever my heart rate gets elevated!!!
Thanks for visiting my blog btw :)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

LMAO that's too funny! I wish I could whistle. All my kids can but I can't. What's up with that?

Maggie May said...

Mobile phone calls are the next most annoying thing to loud women sitting behind you on a bus!
Great post. Hope the man in the bicycle tights got the message in the end!
Thanks for visiting me!

jen said...

The thought of the cyling shorts with tucked in t-shirt has put me right off my breakfast :(

ellen abbott said...

Funny because it's true. The gym...home of the strutting implant and the bald (shaved!) head. What's up with that, men with hair and they shave their heads bald?

the girl with the pink teacup said...

My simple solution is to stop going to the gym. Sure, you'll get fatter if you don't go, but at least your blood pressure will be lower from less exposure to wankers with t-shirts tucked into their bike shorts.

Yankee Wife said...

love your post and your 'bitchybritches'! funny how sometimes you have to 'fight fire with fire'! haha!

Pink of Perfection said...

"misconstrued salesman for practicing attorney." HA! i always want to go rip the sign off the wall that says "no cell phones" and shove it in the chatters' faces. but instead i listen to my jillian michaels radio show and let her rage for me. ;)

Laoch of Chicago said...

Hahahaha.

Despite its tendency to lead me to misanthropy I have fully embraced the I-pod as my gym companion. No matter how inane the thing I might be listening too it is always more illuminating than the gym chatter.

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

Ah ha ha ha! I LOVE that you whistled like that! And it's hilarious that he was utterly oblivious to the point you were trying to make. *eye roll*

Simon said...

I see that Mr London Street has beaten me to it with the advice that you could avoid all this by not going to a gym.

PinkBow said...

hahahaha, love this post!