Front Court Smash

Let's go to the wide world of Sports. Some of you may know the name Serena Williams. She likes to play tennis. She has been ranked the #1 player on four separate occasions. She is currently ranked #2. In the world.

You may not know the name Jason Whitlock. He is a sportswriter for FoxSports and the KC Star. He is what you might call a touch abrasive. Perhaps even hardcore. Hardcore being a euphimism for wee bit of a jerk. Let me enlighten.

Last week, Jason Whitlock wrote an article about Serena Williams and her efforts at Wimbledon.
Below are actual excerpts (verbatim) statements from the article. I highlighted my favorite parts.

At age 27 , Serena Williams owns just half as many major titles (11) as Steffi Graf, the greatest women's player of all time. That's a terrible shame. With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks. Unfortunately for us, she lacks the courage to fulfill her destiny. She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands. She complains about being ranked No. 2 in the world when she's not bitching on Twitter or her blog about new rules that forbid Wimbledon players from eating in the locker room.

Seriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?

God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks. She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round. Think about it. At 5-foot-10, 145 pounds, Serena would be unstoppable on the court...Instead, Serena is arguably pushing 175 pounds, content playing hard only in the major tournaments, happy to be photographed on dates with pro athletes and proud to serve as a role model for women with oversized back packs.

BBWs — Big Booty Women — do not write me angry e-mails. I'm only knocking Serena's back pack because it's preventing her from reaching her full potential as an athletic icon. I am not fundamentally opposed to junk in the trunk, although my preference is a stuffed onion over an oozing pumpkin. (A stuffed onion is a booty so round and tight that it brings tears to your eyes). I'm sorry. I digress. She could break the glass ceiling for female athletes and become the transcendent superstar who connects globally. She could join Oprah and Madonna. Serena could be an impossible-to-ignore advocate for any position she supported. Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton.

Oh Jason Whitlock...brrrrrrrr. You are cold, cold, cold. But you also might be a touch full of shat. Let's review in steps:

Fat? Blubbery? I just can't discern from these recent photos unless every photo of her is run through Photoshop. Lazy? Could one be a world ranked tennis player and be lazy? Do you need to be a sports commentator to know this is highly unlikely? No.

She likes to eat? I can't comment. But you know who does like to eat? Mr. Whitlock. I have no problem with his size, girth, or that he enjoys a little midday nap. Here is an actual photo of him demonstrating one of his many talents. If he only had his meatball sub in his hand, he would be in heaven.

I don't care if Jason Whitlock's biscuit preference is big or small. I don't care if he likes tennis or likes Serena. Here is the issue: If you are generally rotund, you should not lament (in multi-paragraph form) about someone's muscled blubber, proclivity towards snack-time, or booty; be it onion or pumpkin. Let's not point our chubby finger at someone's size 16 shorts, shall we? I mean, it does seem a bit unusual Jason Whitlock would have ANY issue with someone weighing 175 pounds, right?

And if you really must discuss her lack of talent and weight, did you have to liken her to Paris Hilton? Paris Hilton? Really? I would rather wear a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "THE MORE, THE MERRIER" to a maximum security prison yard than to have someone say I am on par with Paris Hilton. No one wants to be in that dumpster.

I know less about Serena than I know about other athletes. But guess what I do know? She is a bad ass. Has won dozens of athletic awards including Female Athlete of the Year. And has a WORLD RANKING. I play tennis but certainly not with World Ranking status. Therefore, I am in no position to make derogatory remarks about her skills, lack of ambition, or laziness. Because I would look like a fool if I did. You too Jason Whitlock. UH OH! I should have chatted with you before last week.She plays the game. You write about it.

I think he should try a few drills on the court with her. Better yet, play her. She serves the ball at 128 mph. And with his dimensions, he would make a nice pin-cushion for her powerful serve.